William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

“Max!”

“It served him right,” Max said. “He hung up on me first.”

“Max, you’ve got to stop this,” 99 pleaded. “Gambling is a sickness. Go to your room. Rest. I’ll telephone the Chief and explain everything. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

“Excuse me, 99,” Max said, moving away. “I have a customer.”

99 sat around the lobby all day watching Max shine shoes. Each time he got a dollar together, he rushed into the casino and put it into the slot machine. By night, not having hit the jackpot, he looked totally defeated.

“Are you ready to give up, Max?” 99 asked, joining him as he stood staring glassy-eyed at the machine.

“Yes, 99,” he replied, “I’ve had it. There’s just not enough big money in shoe shining. I need a new gimmick.”

“That’s not what I meant, Max. I meant, aren’t you ready to give up on this machine?”

“99, that’s ridiculous. I can’t quit now. Even if I just get back what I’ve put into this machine, I’ll be rich.”

“Max. . please. Come with me. We’ll have dinner and talk this over.”

“99, I’m not going to waste good money on food.”

“We’ll have to charge it, Max. We’re all out of cash.”

“Oh. . yes. All right.”

They went to the dining room, found a table, and ordered. While they were waiting for the food to be served, 99 reminded Max that he had a duty to the civilized world to resume the search for Number One.

“You’re absolutely right, 99.” Max replied. “And I’ll get to it just as soon as I hit that jackpot. First things first, you know. What good would it do to save the entire civilized world from the domination of KAOS and, meanwhile, miss out on a jackpot?” He leaned forward, lowering his voice. “I think I’ve got it, 99. My problem is, I need money-right? And when you need money, what do you do? You go where the money is-right? And where is the money these days?”

“Fort Knox, Max?”

“No, 99. Las Vegas.”

“Max. . you’re in Las Vegas.”

“There you are-see what a brilliant plan it is? I haven’t even started yet, and already the plan is clicking like clockwork.”

“You haven’t told me the plan, Max.”

“Oh. Well, the plan is, 99, I’m going to hold up Las Vegas.”

“Maaax!”

“Sh! — sh!-sh! Do you want everybody in town to know, 99? This is supposed to be a surprise holdup!”

“Max, in the first place, for heaven’s sake, that’s against the law. And, in the second place-everybody? How could you possibly hold up everybody at once?”

“Yell ‘stick-’em-up’ very loudly.”

99 shook her head. “It wouldn’t work, Max.”

“99, you haven’t heard the whole plan. Before I yell ‘stick-’em-up’ very loudly, I’m going to inundate the town with a special hypnotizing vapor. Every person in town will be immobilized and under my spell. When I yell ‘stick-’em-up,’ believe me, they’ll stick-’em-up.”

“And then what, Max?”

“Then, 99, I’ll go from person to person, robbing each one as I move along. It’s a cinch. Anything is possible with careful planning.”

99 thought for a moment, then said, “Well, Max, much as I hate to admit it, it does sound like a perfect plan. But, Max, it’s wrong to rob people.”

“99, some things are bigger than the law. There is a higher duty, you know. Just because a law is on the books, that doesn’t guarantee that it’s right or just. I ask you, 99, in all fairness, is it right to stop a man from robbing people when he has a golden opportunity to hit a jackpot?”

“Well. .”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it, 99. My mind is made up. Nothing can stop me.”

“All right, Max,” 99 said sadly. “It’s wrong, but. . Well, I guess you don’t really realize what you’re doing. You have the fever so bad, you don’t know right from wrong anymore. I won’t try to stop you, Max.”

“Good, 99. Now. . do you happen to know where I can get hold of some special hypnotizing vapor?”

99 stared at him, astounded, for a second, then shook her head.

“Darn!” Max scowled. “That’s the one weak link in the chain. I don’t know where-” He began looking around. “Do you see a telephone booth anywhere, 99?”

“No, Max. Who do you want to call?”

“I don’t want to call anybody. I want to look in the yellow pages. There must be a rent-a-special-hypnotizing-vapor agency in town.”

“Max, forget about robbing Las Vegas,” 99 begged. “Let me take you to a doctor. Maybe he can cure you.”

“Cure me! 99, that would be insane! I’m on a winning streak.”

“You’ve lost everything you have, Max.”

“Ridiculous. I still have what I need most-my lucky rabbit’s foot.”

“Well, I’m surprised you still have it.”

“It wouldn’t fit in the slot.”

“Max, let me-”

There was a ringing sound.

“What kind of a restaurant is this?” Max complained. “We haven’t had dinner yet, and already they’re sending around the Good Humor man with the dessert.”

“That’s your phone, Max.”

“Oh!” He looked down at his shoe. “You answer it, 99. It’s probably the Chief, and I’m not speaking to him.” He took off the shoe and handed it to 99. “If you can work it into the conversation,” he said, “you might tell him you’ve come into a large inheritance, but you can’t collect it until you get back East, and would he please send you the airfare-as a little loan, of course. Tell him you’ll pay him back the minute I hit that jackpot.”

99: Yes, Chief. . is that you?

Operator: See what happens when you gamble, Max? It strains your voice. You sound like a woman.

Chief: Operator, will you please stay off the line? This is an official call. When you listen in on the line, you are, in effect, bugging the Government.

Operator: Tit for Tat, Chief. You think the Government don’t bug me?

Chief: What I meant- Oh, nevermind. 99-are you still there? Where is Max?

99: He’s here, Chief. But he refuses to speak to you. He’s upset because you refused to advance him more money. But you were right to do it, Chief. He has gambling fever. Every dollar he gets, he puts in a slot machine. I can’t stop him.

Chief: I guessed that, 99, when I talked to him earlier. He kept telling me that lemons were coming out of his telephone.

Operator: He may have been right, Chief. It’s the season for it you know.

Chief: Lemons? On a telephone line?

Operator: Chief, how do you think they get all those lemons which were grown on the West Coast, into all those stores on the East Coast?

Chief: By train?

Operator: Boy, are you living in the Middle Ages. They phone them.

Chief: Operator, that’s preposterous. How can-(Deep sigh). Operator, please. . just stay off the line.

99: Chief, what am I going to do about Max?

Chief: You’ll just have to leave him there, 99. I got a call just a few minutes ago from Hymie. As you know, he went to Fort Knox. When he-

99: I know, Chief-he found Number One.

Chief: As a matter of fact, 99, no, he didn’t. He-

99: You mean-

Chief: Yes. As it turned out, Max was right. Hymie-

Operator: Hold it, Chief. You’ve got a bad connection. I thought I just heard you say that Max was right about something.

Chief: I did! And stay off the line!

99: Chief, hold it. We must have a bad connection. I just thought I heard the operator say she thought she heard you say that Max was right about something and you told her that you did say that-