William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

“No, Max-”

“You go ahead, Hymie,” 99 said. “I’ll explain it to him.”

Hymie dived toward the bottom of the vat. A few moments later, bubbles appeared on the surface of the chocolate.

“Now, Max, you stand on Hymie’s shoulders,” 99 said.

“All right. . but I’m going to feel silly. When you’re drowning in chocolate, it’s a little late to start working up an act for the Ed Sullivan Show.”

“Are you on his shoulders, Max?”

“Yes, 99, but- 99! What are you doing?”

“I’m climbing up on your shoulders, Max.”

“Hey. . you know! Ed Sullivan might be interested in this at that-if we kept the vat of chocolate in the act, that is.”

From Max’s shoulders, 99 could reach the rim of the vat. She got hold of it, then, dripping chocolate, climbed out. Next, she reached a hand to Max and pulled him out. Then 99 and Max helped Hymie out of the vat.

“You’re very fortunate, Hymie,” Max said. “If you’d told me your plan before you tried it, I think I could have proved to you that it couldn’t work. Let that be a lesson to you.”

“Max, are you going to let Hymie be in charge now?” 99 asked.

“I have nothing to do with it, 99. The Chief put him in charge, so that’s it-he’s in charge. However, I would like to point out once more that if I had been in charge we would never have fallen into that vat in the first place. Let me tell you how I’d have handled the situation. Now, you see. . Means and Ways and that blonde were over there. . and you and Hymie were over here. In other words, you were partly in my line of fire. So, I had to get you behind-99. . Hymie. . behind me, please. I can’t show you how I would have handled the situation if you won’t cooperate. That’s right. . behind me. Now. . the minute I had you out of the-”

Max had the feeling that he was talking to himself. He turned and found that 99 and Hymie were no longer behind him.

“Where the-”

“Max! Help!”

Max looked up. He saw 99 and Hymie riding a conveyor belt that was taking them toward the ceiling of the factory, where the belt then dumped its contents into a funnel-like container.

“I’m coming!” Max cried, scrambling up the conveyor belt.

“Max!” 99 wailed when he reached them. “You should have stopped the machine!”

“Why didn’t you say so?” Max grumbled. “You called for help. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m here to help. Anyway,” he said crossly, “how did you get into a predicament like this?”

“You made us get behind you, Max. And behind you was the conveyor belt.”

Max nodded gloomily. “Put a robot in charge and you can expect anything. When the Chief-”

At that moment, they were dumped into the funnel. The funnel was filled with a sticky liquid that was slowly being fed into another vat. As Hymie, who was first in line, was squeezed through the narrow end of the funnel, he got a hold on the rim of the second vat, pulled himself up to a walkway, then caught and rescued 99 and Max as they were extruded.

“That was close,” Max said. “Look, my arms are stuck to my side.”

His arms suddenly came unstuck and flew out. The left arm hit 99 and the right arm hit Hymie. They tumbled backwards off the walkway and landed on another conveyor belt.

“I’m coming-don’t yell!” Max called, leaping onto the belt.

“Up ahead!” 99 cried, as Max landed. “We’re being fed into the nut chopper!”

“Too bad old Means isn’t here to see this,” Max commented.

Hymie, still first in line, was drawn into the chopper. Fortunately, Hymie was made of the finest steel. The blades of the chopper hit him-and shattered. Max and 99 then passed through the chopper mechanism without a scratch.

“Well, that certainly made up for all those other bloopers you’ve made, Hymie,” Max said. “I think we’ve discovered where your true talent lies. You aren’t cut out to be a leader, you were born to be fed into nut choppers. I just hope you’ll remember your place from now-”

“Max! What’s that!” 99 cried.

Max peered carefully at the machine into which the conveyor belt was carrying them. “I’m not an expert on candy-making machinery, 99,” he said. “But, offhand, I’d say that’s a-”

One after the other, Hymie, 99 and Max disappeared into the machine. A moment later they emerged, dumped one on top of the other into a large basket. They were neatly sealed in Fudgy-Nut wrappers.

“-packaging machine,” Max said, completing his statement.

“Max! Where are you? It’s dark in here! I can’t see a thing!”

“Unfold yourself at the end!” Max called back.

There was a jangling sound.

“Your shoe is ringing!” 99 said.

“I’ll bet that’s the first time anybody ever said that to a Fudgy-Nut Bar,” Max commented, breaking out of his wrapper.

99 and Hymie had also freed themselves.

“Max. . your phone,” 99 said.

Max removed his shoe and spoke into the sole.

Max: I’m chewy and I’m crunchy and if you buy me and take me home I’ll please your sweet tooth-who am I?

Operator: You’re Max Smart and you’re loaded.

Chief: Max? For heaven’s sake, is that you? What’s all that prattle about a sweet tooth?

Operator: He’s been hitting the dandelion wine again, Chief.

Max: That’s not so, Chief. The fact is, if you could see me now, you’d swear I was a dead ringer for a Fudgy-Nut Bar. See what happens when you put Hymie in charge? Not only did he let Means and Ways get away with Number One, but he very nearly got himself and 99 and me displayed on candy counters all over America.

Chief: Max, what are you talking about? What Ways and Means?

Max: Means and Ways, Chief. They’re two little dumpy KAOS agents who wear derby hats and operate a candy factory at a very nice profit-up seventeen per cent last year.

Chief: I see. And this Ways and Means, as I understand it, they got away from you?

Max: Means and Ways, Chief. The way you say it-Ways and Means-it sounds funny. Yes, thanks to our fearless but stupid leader, they got away. And it’s my guess that they took Number One with them. We’ll probably never find her now. You might mention that to HIM the next time you’re talking to him.

Chief: Max, let me talk to Hymie.

Max: Hymie who, Chief?

Chief: You know who I mean, Max. Put him on!

Max: Chief, I have a suggestion. Wouldn’t it be better to put me in charge of the case? I could send Hymie back to headquarters and you could talk to him personally. A lot of misunderstandings result from poor communications, Chief. There might be static on the line, and Hymie might not understand what you were telling him.

Chief: Max!

Max handed his shoe to Hymie. “This may be a party line,” he said. “Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want your nearest and dearest friend to overhear.”

Hymie took over the phone, and, at the Chief’s insistence, began explaining what had gone wrong-and why.

“That’s the trouble with machines,” Max grumbled to 99. “Ask a straight question and you get a straight answer.”

“He took an oath to tell the Chief the truth, Max,” 99 said.

“I took that same oath, 99. But I had sense enough to cross my fingers when I took it. See? There’s further proof of the superiority of the human. A machine doesn’t think far enough ahead to cross its fingers when it’s taking an oath.”

Hymie handed the shoe back to Max. “He wants to talk to you again,” he said.

Max: This is a recorded announcement: Your party has been called away on business. If you would care to leave a message, please begin recording at the sound of the beep.