William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

Operator: It’s him! It’s him, Chief! That recorded announcement is as phony as a ten-cent circuit-breaker!

Max: It takes one to know one!

Chief: Max! Stop it! All I want to say is that I understand why you feel so badly about Hymie being in charge of the case. I can put myself in your shoes. I know how I’d feel if HIM put you in charge of Control. I’d kill myself. But, Max, we must follow orders. So, please. . please, Max. . try not to do any thinking for yourself. Let Hymie make the decisions. All right?

(Silence)

Chief: Max! Are you there? Max, when I said I’d kill myself, I didn’t mean-

Max: Don’t get excited, Chief. I was just thinking.

Chief: Max, I told you to stop that.

Max: Oh. . not about the case exactly, Chief. I was just wondering. . when I said I was chewy and crunchy, didn’t that even give you a faint idea who I was?

(Silence)

Max: Chief? Chief? Are you there?

(Silence)

Max: Chief? Operator? Somebody?

(Silence)

Max put his shoe back on.

“What happened, Max?” 99 asked.

“The telephone workers must have suddenly gone on strike,” Max said. “We were cut off.”

Max, 99 and Hymie went to their respective apartments, got out of the sticky chocolate into some dry clothes, and then, after rendezvousing at Max’s, returned to the candy factory to look for some clue that might allow them to pick up the trail of Ways, Means and Number One.

“I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Number One is still here in the candy factory,” Max said, speaking to 99, but making sure he could be overheard by Hymie. “But, if Hymie, our beloved brother agent, who is in charge of the case, wants me to look for evidence that she’s been taken away, then that’s what I’ll do. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die. Discipline is very important in secret agent work. Somebody has to be in charge, and somebody has to be the leader, and all the rest have to be the followers. It isn’t important that the followers might have more experience and-”

“Max. . please,” 99 said wearily.

“Am I running it into the ground, 99?”

“Yes, Max.”

“Well, it’s good to get resentments out of your system, you know, 99. If I kept it inside me, all bottled up, I might, in time, become a bitter old man.”

“Max, if I have to listen to much more, I suspect that, sooner than that, I’m going to become a bitter old woman.”

“Sorry, 99.”

“That’s all right, Max. Just-”

At that moment, Hymie called to them. He was holding a scrap of computer tape. “I think I found something,” he said. He showed the tape to Max and 99. On it was printed the letters: AU.

“You certainly did find something,” Max said. “Now throw it away, Hymie, and let’s keep looking for clues.”

“But I think this is a clue,” Hymie said. “My guess is that while Number One was being taken away she was thinking to herself-for want of something to do-and this is what she was thinking.”

“Au?” Max replied. “That’s thinking? I doubt it very much, Hymie. Maybe Means and Ways were feeding her information too fast and she was gagging.”

“No,” Hymie said. “Au means-”

“Or maybe one of them was standing on her foot,” Max suggested.

“Max, Number One doesn’t have a foot. I’m sure this is what she had on her mind. It’s like her. She probably overheard Ways and Means say where they were going to take her and she was mulling it over. She plays a little game sometimes when she’s bored. The word association game.”

“What place could she possibly associate with Au?” Max asked.

“Fort Knox,” Hymie replied.

Max snickered. “Did you get that, 99? Hymie thinks Number One associated Au with Fort Knox.”

“He might very well be right, Max,” 99 replied. “Au is the symbol for gold, you know. And gold and Fort Knox sure are a good match.”

“Oh,” Max said. “Well, of course, I knew all along that Au is the symbol for gold. But, Fort Knox? That may have been a good match a few decades ago, but today, when you ask yourself, ‘where’s the money,’ the answer is not Fort Knox. It’s Las Vegas.”

99 thought for a second. “You might be right, Max,” she decided.

“I think of Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

“All that proves is how square you are,” Max told him. “Just consider for a moment, Hymie. If you were Means and Ways, and you had to take a computer somewhere to keep her out of sight while you brainwashed her, which would it be, Fort Knox or Las Vegas? The answer, obviously, is Las Vegas. There’s no night life in Fort Knox, you know, Hymie.”

“What does that have to do with brainwashing a computer, Max?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea. But you can be sure that when we find Means and Ways that’s one of the first questions I’ll ask them. Now, is it settled? Shall we go to Las Vegas?”

“Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

“How about Fort Knox by way of Las Vegas?” Max suggested.

“Fort Knox-straight,” Hymie said.

“You know, Hymie,” 99 said, “Max could very well be right about Las Vegas.”

“I could?” Max said, surprised.

“I’m a woman,” 99 said to Hymie, “and when I think of gold, I think of Las Vegas, too. And, don’t forget, Number One is a female. Why don’t we do this? Why don’t you go to Fort Knox and Max and I will go to Las Vegas?”

“That’s good computing, 99,” Hymie replied. “We’ll do that.”

From the candy factory they went to the airport. There, Max and 99 got a plane for Las Vegas and Hymie took a flight to Fort Knox. A few hours later, Max and 99 checked into a large hotel in Las Vegas, and not long after that, at Max’s suggestion, they went to the hotel’s gambling casino.

“What now, Max?” 99 asked. “I don’t see either Ways or Means anywhere around.”

“They’ll show up,” Max said confidently. “I think I’ve got it all figured out, 99. Remember? — that blonde told us that Means and Ways were making a profit on that candy factory. It’s my guess that they were using it to finance this operation. But, since they can’t use the candy factory anymore, they’ll have to get money from somewhere else-right? So-”

“Max, you mean you think they’re financing the operation by gambling? Isn’t that a little risky?”

“Not if you’re not really gambling, 99.”

“I don’t understand, Max. How can you gamble without really gambling?”

“Just suppose, 99, that Means and Ways have brainwashed one of these slot machines? When they needed money, all they’d have to do is show up and hit the jackpot.”

“Max. . that’s a little far-fetched. .”

“When it was first mentioned, space travel sounded a little far-fetched, too, 99. But that didn’t stop Thomas Edison.”

“Thomas Edison invented the electric light, Max.”

“I’m talking about before that, when he flew his kite in a storm and discovered lightning. What do you think an electric light is, 99? It’s a little bulb of lightning.”

“Oh. But. . Max. . what’s the connection with space travel?”

“You don’t think they send those space ships up without lights, do you, 99? That would be very dangerous. How would they see where they were going at night?”

99 nodded. “I guess you’re right, Max,” she said. “Ways and Means probably are financing the operation by brainwashing a slot machine.” She peered at the hundreds of one-armed bandits in the casino. “But which one?”

“Well, we could wait around until we saw Means or Ways come in and play a machine and hit a jack-pot,” Max replied. “But they could be sending someone else to play it for them. So we’ll just have to start playing the machines and keep it up until we find the one that pays off every time with a jackpot.”