William Johnston: Max Smart Loses Control

“I have a reservation,” Max protested.

“Max, don’t you even want to know what it’s about?” 99 asked.

“Couldn’t you write me a letter about it?”

“Max, turn this car around!” the Chief commanded. “That’s an order!”

When they reached the installation, they hurried to Number One’s quarters. The scientist was waiting for them. Instead of telling them why he had called them back, however, he whispered to the Chief, then led him into a conference room.

“You can mail that letter to me in care of the third little grass shack up from the beach,” Max said to 99, edging away.

“All right, Max. Try not to feel too guilty.”

“99! Will you stop that! This isn’t my fault!”

“Who said it was, Max?”

“You keep implying-”

The Chief and the scientist reappeared from the conference room.

“I have some good news,” the Chief announced. “Number One has revealed the object of her affections.”

“I knew it!” Max crowed. “It was Hymie all along, wasn’t it?”

The Chief shook his head. “Max,” he said, “do you remember exactly when it was that Number One began grinding out love poetry?”

“Of course,” Max replied. “We were all there. No, come to think of it, 99 wasn’t present. The way it happened was, Hymie and I were slipping up on Ways and Means, and all of a sudden my telephone began ringing. We found out later that it was at about that time that Number One went haywire.”

“That’s the way Number One described it,” the scientist said.

“You mean she’s talking again?” 99 asked.

“She had a few rational moments,” the scientist replied. “And we got the whole story.”

“Well, good,” Max said. “I’m glad the story is going to have a happy ending.” He began moving away. “If you’ll excuse me now. . I have a date with Waikiki-the biggest sandbox in the world.”

“Max. .” the Chief said. “I’m very sorry about this, but. . your vacation is canceled, Max.”

Max returned. “That’s a very unfunny joke, Chief.”

“Max, it isn’t a joke. You’re needed here. I have an assignment for you. You see, Max, when Number One saw you in that laboratory at the Leg Up ranch, she- Well, Max. . it was love at first sight.”

Max stared at him. “Me?”

The Chief nodded. “I’m assigning you to keep company with Number One, Max.”

“Chief! That’s preposterous! I’m a human, and she’s a machine!”

“Max, I know that. And you know that. But Number One doesn’t know that. Or, at least, if she does, she’s willing to overlook it.”

“Don’t worry, Max-it won’t last,” Hymie said. “She’s fickle.”

Max put a hand to his head. “Duty is duty,” he sighed. “If I have to, I suppose I have to.”

“Aren’t you feeling well, Max?”

“A little headache,” he replied. “Understandable, under the circumstances, I suppose.”

“You better go to her, Max,” the Chief said.

Max opened the door to Number One’s quarters. From inside came a happy clicking. Max dug into his pocket and got out a tablet, and, as he entered, popped it into his mouth. A moment after the door closed, there was a tremendous explosion.

“Let’s look on the bright side,” 99 said. “Maybe it was only Number One blowing a fuse.”

The Chief nodded. “Yes. . that’s the way Max would have wanted it,” he agreed.