William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

“Release a couple of Control agents?” Hymie laughed.

“Uh. . Hymie, could you work up a diagram on this?” Max asked.

“Those two are traitors,” Hymie explained, indicating Ways and Means. “They tried to eliminate a KAOS agent, so they, must be traitors. It makes sense.”

“I suppose, but-”

“Now, I’m in charge,” Hymie said. “And it’s my duty, as I see it, to carry on with the mission. I must return to the laboratory and continue brainwashing Number One.”

“But, Hymie-”

Ignoring Max’s protest, Hymie departed.

At that moment, Ways and Means regained consciousness.

“You and your diagram!” Ways said to Means. “Look what you’ve done!”

“It must’ve been the chalk I was using,” Means said glumly.

“Ah, well, nevermind,” Ways said. “Our friends from Control will get us out of this.” He turned to Max. “What’ve you got in mind?”

“I ought to just sit tight and let you figure your own way out,” Max said.

“If you sit tight, Max,” 99 pointed out, “we’ll all be the losers.”

“I thought of that, 99. So, I’m going to put in a call to the Chief and ask him to send those reinforcements I didn’t get a chance to ask him to send before because you-know-who was on the line.”

“Max. . you’re strapped to that chair.”

“But I can still move my feet, 99. Watch this.”

Max slipped his foot out of his shoe, then, using his big toe, flipped the shoe over. Utilizing the toe again, he dialed. Then, faintly, a voice could be heard coming from the shoe.

Mom: I haven’t moved, sonny-boy. Just been sitting here waiting for you to call. I been here for seven months. Haven’t had a bite to eat.

Chief: Is that you, Max? What happened to your voice?

Mom: Is that you, baby-boy? Your voice sounds funny. Been eating too many graham crackers? That’ll do it.

Max (shouting): Chief, that’s not me. That’s Mom. This is me. I need reinforcements!

Operator: Max? Is that you? How come you’re answering your own phone? You’ve got an answering service to do that for you, you know. What’re you trying to do, put Harold out of business?

Harold: Yeah, watch it, Maxie-boy!

Mom: Harold! At last! It’s you! You don’t know the butterheads I’ve had to talk to, waiting for you to call.

Harold: Mom? Gee, it’s good to hear your voice again. I thought you Zonked years ago.

Mom: That was your Dad, Harold.

Chief: Operator! Is Max on this line? What’s going on? Who are all those people?

Max: Here I am, Chief! I need reinforcements. We’re in desperate-

Mom: Operator, get that butterhead off the line. I’m talking to my baby-boy! Harold? You still there, sweetie?

Harold: Mom, don’t call me that on a public phone. I’m a big boy, now. I’ve got a business of my own. I’m very big in the telephone answering service racket.

Mom: I don’t care if you are in the rackets, Harold. You’ll always be my sweetie baby-boy to me.

Harold: Dad is Zonk, eh? How about that!

Chief: Operator, I’m losing my patience. Is Max on this line or isn’t he?

Harold: You sure about Dad, Mom? That voice I just heard sounded awful familiar.

Mom: Hold on, sweetie. I’ll check the upstairs extension.

Max: Now, can you hear me, Chief? I’m shouting as loud as I can. I can’t get any closer to the phone. I’m strapped into an electric chair.

Chief: Speak up, Max! I can’t hear you.

Operator: He’s strapped into an electric chair, Chief.

Chief: Is that what he called me to tell me?

Max: Operator, tell the Chief I called him to tell him I need reinforcements.

Operator: You tell him, Maxie. I don’t want to know any government secrets. Don’t get involved, that’s my motto.

Chief: Max, what was that you said about cement?

Mom: No, sweetie, baby, it wasn’t Dad. There’s nobody on the extension. In fact, the upstairs isn’t there anymore. I guess Dad took it with him. He always was partial to the upstairs.

Max: Not cement, Chief. Reinforcements!

Chief: Four cement what, Max?

Harold: I don’t think he took it with him, Mom. You probably just misplaced it. Have you looked in the hall closet? That’s where you used to lose everything else.

Chief: I got that, Max. You’re lost in a hall closet. But where? How can I help you if I don’t know where the closet is?

Mom: No, he took it with him.

Chief: What help is that! I still don’t know where he is!

Operator: Where everybody goes when they Zonk, Chief. To that great switchboard in the sky.

Max: Don’t listen to her, Chief! I’m not at any switchboard! I’m at the Leg Up Ranch!

Chief: How will four cement whatever-it-ises help you let go of a branch, Max? Are you hanging from it? Do you need more weight, is that it?

Max: I don’t need weight! I need-

Chief: All right, Max, I’ll wait. But I wish, in the meanwhile, you’d tell me what you want.

Operator: Harold, how come Maxie is on this line? I thought you were taking all his calls.

Harold: It’s your fault. You must’ve rang him instead of me. Maxie-boy, get off the line. I’ll let you know if you have any calls.

Max: I didn’t receive the call, I made the call.

Harold: Max, if I’m going to be your telephone answering service, you’ll have to stay off the phone. You might have an important call coming in and I wouldn’t be able to reach you.

Operator: I’ll handle it, Harold. Maxie-no more calls for you.

Max: But-

There was a click, as the line went dead.

Max slipped his foot back into his shoe.

“You can’t even depend on your friends, the Control people, these days,” Ways grumbled.

At that moment, Hymie came back into the room. He looked distressed. He dropped into one of the chairs and put his head in his hands.

“If you’d like an aspirin,” Max said, “I just happen-”

“That’s not a computer! That’s a woman!” Hymie groaned. “I can’t do a thing with her!”

“Still at it, eh?” Max said sympathetically.

“I fed her every hate word in the dictionary,” Hymie said. “And what did I get? I got:

C is for rapid calculation

R means rhabdology’s old hat

U is for universal mathematics

S is for statistics, doo-be-doo

and H means hyperalgebra’s here to stay!

Put them all together and they spell

WHOOPEE!

The dearest word in all the world to me!

“That’s pretty sickening, all right,” Max said.

“That’s the breaks,” Ways said to Hymie. “Nothing to do now, but electrocute, burn and poison these two Control agents and let Means and me go.”

Hymie raised his head. “There’s one other alternative,” he said to Ways.

Ways sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

“I could sell out,” Hymie said.

“Now, just a minute, Hymie,” Max said. “You weren’t brought up to be a fink. When the scientists at Control created you, they used the very best parts available. There’s not a dishonorable nut or bolt in your body.”

“I was thinking about selling out to you,” Hymie explained.

“Oh! Well, that’s different. That’s good selling out. I thought you were talking about bad selling out.”

“Think it over,” Ways said to Hymie. “If you’re going to sell out, consider us. We pay well. And we’ve had more experience with selling out than that cheap Control outfit has.”