William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

Chief: 99, stop it! You’re getting more like Max every day. Now, just listen. Hymie looked all over Fort Knox and he found no trace of Number One. But when he put his ear to the ground, he did hear the clicking again. So, he followed the sound, and it led him to Las Vegas. He’s there now.

99 (looking around): I don’t see him, Chief.

Operator: Look down. He probably still has his ear to the ground.

99: No, I still-

Chief: He isn’t at the hotel, 99. He’s at the Leg Up Dude Ranch just outside town. He thinks that’s where Number One is being kept prisoner. I want you to get out there as fast as you can. He’ll need help

99: And Max, Chief?

Chief: As I said-just leave him, 99. Once a man gets the gambling fever, he’s no good to anybody

Operator: Wanta bet on that?

99: All right, Chief. . if that’s your decision. I’ll certainly miss him, though.

Chief: Be brave, 99.

99 handed Max back his shoe. “It was the Chief,” she said.

“I gathered that, 99. What I don’t understand is why you suddenly turned against me.”

“Oh. . you heard?”

“Of course I heard. I heard every word you said. And not once did I hear you mention your inheritance and ask the Chief for the borrow of airfare.”

“Oh. . that. Well, Max. .” She started to rise. “You know I wouldn’t do this if-”

“Where are you going, 99? We haven’t had dinner yet.”

“The Chief ordered me to rendezvous with Hymie, Max. He’s outside town at the Leg Up Dude Ranch.”

“Mmmmmm. .” Max mused. “I wonder how much money he has with him.”

“No, Max-you can’t go,” 99 said. “The Chief doesn’t trust you. You’re sick, Max. And this is an important case. Hymie has traced Number One to that dude ranch.”

Max suddenly stiffened. His eyes began rolling in circles. His hair stood on end. . then slowly drooped back into place.

“Max! What happened!”

“I just had a wonderful shock, 99,” Max replied. He jumped up. “Come on! Let’s get out there to that dude ranch!”

“But, Max. . your gambling. .”

“Gambling? I have no interest in gambling, 99. You can’t beat the system.”

99 grinned happily. “That was certainly some shock you had, Max. I wonder what caused it.”

“I haven’t the faintest idea, 99,” Max said, leading the way out. “It happened right after you told me that Hymie had traced Number One to Las Vegas.”

“And you know what that means, Max. It means that Hymie was wrong, and you were right.” She suddenly stopped. “Max. . I wonder. . could that shock have been caused by the fact that for once in your life you-”

“99, that’s ridiculous,” Max said, hustling her on. “I’m sure that, sometime in my life, I must have been right at least once before.”

“Like when?” 99 asked curiously.

“Well,” Max replied, “if you count that Fourth of July when I had the mumps and didn’t go out and get my fingers blown off with a firecracker. . and the day. .”

Max and 99 rented a car from an unbelievable organization called a rent-a-car agency, then, after asking for directions, sped toward the Leg Up Dude Ranch. As they neared it, driving slowly now, a figure suddenly stepped from behind a cactus and waved to them.

“Max! That’s Hymie!” 99 said.

“It could be a KAOS agent disguised as Hymie, 99,” Max replied. “Maybe we better run him down first and ask questions later.”

“Max-stop it. Try to get along with Hymie. It isn’t his fault he’s in charge.”

Max pulled over, and Hymie came trotting up to the car.

“Hi, Hymie,” 99 said cordially. “How did you know it was us?”

“I heard you talking when you were still miles away,” Hymie replied. “My super sensitive hearing, you know.”

“Oh. . sure. Gee, I hope you didn’t hear anything that offended you.”

“Not until you drove up just a minute ago-when Max wanted to run me down,” Hymie replied.

“Well, of course, Hymie, I didn’t mean that,” Max said. “If your Uncle HIM should ask, you can tell him it was just a little joke.”

“Hymie,” 99 said, “The Chief told us you think you’ve found Number One.”

Hymie nodded. “She’s up ahead-at the dude ranch,” he said. “I heard her ticking. She’s having a fine time. From what I can gather from the ticking, Ways and Means have got her well oiled ”

“You mean-”

“I mean well oiled,” Hymie said, “I can’t understand half of what she ticks.”

“We better get in there and save her,” Max said. “Lead on, Hymie. We’ll storm the place.”

Hymie shook his head. “That won’t work, Max,” he said. “There are guards all around. They look like ordinary ranch hands, but, in fact, they’re KAOS agents.”

“Mmmmm. . let’s take a look at the place,” Max said. “With my experience, I’ll probably be able to spot a weakness in the KAOS defense.”

Hymie led the way across the desert toward the Leg Up Dude Ranch. As they approached it, he motioned for Max and 99 to crouch, and then he halted the advance just as they neared the top of a sand dune.

“The ranch is just on the other side of this dune,” Hymie explained. “Don’t let the guards see you.”

Max and 99 peeked over the top of the mound of sand. They saw a large fenced-in area. There was a big guest house, and behind it a pool, and then a smaller house for the ranch hands. In the corral there were two animals-one that looked a great deal like a horse and another that looked like a cow.

“Baffling,” Max said.

“What is, Max?” 99 asked.

“Why they call it the ‘Leg Up,’” Max replied. “I don’t get the connection.”

“Max, that isn’t important. Do you see the weakness in the defense?”

“Of course I do, 99. It was obvious at first sight. That ranch is a sitting duck for a man with a cannister of hypnotizing vapor.”

“Max. .”

“I know, I know, 99-the same old problem. But, after all, all I promised was to spot the weakness. I didn’t say I could do anything about it.”

Max and 99 ducked down behind the dune again.

“I don’t suppose you thought to bring a cannister of hypnotizing vapor,” Max said to Hymie.

“What’s that, Max?”

Max turned to 99. “What can I do? I’m at the mercy of my leader. If he fails, I fail-it’s as simple as that. However,” he went on, “there’s always the alternative. If the initial plan happens to flop-due to bungling by the higher-ups-there’s always a second plan to fall back on.” To Hymie, he said, “You do have a second plan, I assume.”

“I propose that we infiltrate the ranch,” Hymie said.

“Well, that’s certainly better than your first idea-especially since you forgot to bring the hypnotizing vapor,” Max said. “And, as a matter of fact, it was what I was going to suggest, too. Tell me, Hymie, how do you think I think we ought to do it?”

“Max, you and I could apply for jobs as ranch hands,” Hymie replied. “All the hands they have now seem to be KAOS guards, so they must need somebody to do the work. And 99 could register as a guest.”

“Brilliant,” Max said. “Exactly what I was thinking.”

“There’s one problem,” 99 said. “Ways and Means have seen us, and surely they’ll recognize us if we appear at the ranch.”

“See, Hymie-you’re not so smart after all, are you?” Max said. “When you were thinking what I was thinking, you forgot that little detail.”

“I thought we could disguise ourselves,” Hymie said.

“You’re a mind-reader,” Max said approvingly.

The three returned to the car, drove back to town, then went to a costuming shop and purchased disguises. Max and Hymie cemented handlebar mustaches to their upper lips, and 99 donned a redheaded wig.