William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

“I’ll have Hymie explain it to you,” Max said. “I’m still tied-up trying to get this saddle on.” He turned to Hymie. “Explain my thinking to her, Hymie.”

“I suspect that KAOS is conducting a test here,” Hymie said. “The bedside computers have all been brainwashed. And, in turn, the computers are brainwashing the guests-making them believe they’re enjoying themselves.”

“That’s horrible!” 99 shuddered.

“If the test works here, it will prove the theory that KAOS can control the world simply by controlling the world’s bedside computers,” Hymie said.

“What I don’t understand,” Max said, “is how the sandbox fits in.”

“It doesn’t, Max,” Hymie replied.

“It’s just a convenience, Max, in case you happen to have the children with you on vacation,” 99 explained.

“Oh. Listen, 99, would you mind if I came to your room tonight?”

“Max!”

“All right, all right. If you’re going to be that way about it, keep your sandbox to yourself-see if I care.”

“Max,” 99 said, “were you listening when Hymie explained what’s going on here?”

“I didn’t have to, 99. It was my idea, wasn’t it?”

“We’ll have to be careful not to let our bedside computers brainwash us,” Hymie warned.

“You’re right,” Max said. “If we started enjoying our work the way these guests are enjoying their vacation, we’d become totally useless. What we’ll have to do is listen very carefully to what our bedside computers tell us to do, and then do exactly the opposite.”

“That might not help,” Hymie said. “Suppose Ways and Means adjust the computers to order us to do the opposite of what they want us to do. If we do the opposite of the opposite, then, in fact, we’ll be doing exactly what Ways and Means want.”

“Only a machine could come up with a nutty idea like that,” Max said. “And neither Means nor Ways are machines-so forget it.” Max had been busy with the saddle while carrying on the conversation. Now, he pointed proudly to his work, and said to 99, “There you are-have a nice ride, lady.”

“Max. . you saddled the steer,” 99 said.

“Lady, you know that, and I know that,” Max said, “but the steer doesn’t know it. It thinks it’s a horse. Take a close look-it isn’t wearing its faucets.”

“I’ve changed my mind-I don’t think I’ll ride today, after all,” 99 said. She lowered her voice. “I’ll go back to the guest house and keep my eyes and ears open.”

“Anytime we can be of service, lady-don’t hesitate to call on us,” Max said.

99 departed, headed toward the guest house.

“Fantastic willpower,” Max said to Hymie.

“How do you mean that, Max?”

“She’ll probably spend the whole day hanging around the lobby, hanging around the pool, sticking strictly to duty.”

“That doesn’t sound so difficult, Max,” Hymie said.

“Are you kidding? Staying on the job, when you’ve got your own private sandbox waiting for you in your room? Talk about a challenge to the old willpower!”

“I think I’ll do some scouting around, Max,” Hymie said. “But one of us better stay here with the horse and cow.”

“Let’s see. . if you go scouting around, that leaves me to do the horse and cow sitting, right?”

“Right, Max.”

“Machines don’t have all the brains,” Max said smugly.

Not long after Hymie had gone, a plump, middle-aged woman appeared. She was wearing riding breeches and carrying a riding crop.

“Good afternoon, young man,” she said gayly. “I think I’ll take one of the ponies out for a gallop.”

“Isn’t that a little strenuous at your age, lady,” Max said. “The horse is probably used to it. But you’re not as young as you used to be, you know. You don’t look to me like you could even walk fast, let alone gallop.”

The woman giggled. “I’ll be riding the pony,” she explained. “Although,” she said, “I’m not sure how well I’ll do at it. I’ve never ridden a horse before. In fact, being from the city, I can’t recall ever seeing a horse before-not up close, anyway.” She pointed. “I probably wouldn’t have known that was a horse if it didn’t have a saddle on it.” She placed a foot in the stirrup. “Will you give me a leg up, please?” she asked.

“So that’s how this ranch got its name!” Max said

He boosted the woman up into the saddle, then stepped back.

“Is he gentle?” she asked.

“Unless you wave a red flag in front of him,” Max replied.

“How do I get him going?” she inquired.

“I’m not sure,” Max replied. “Is there a starter button anywhere up there?”

“I don’t know. . I. . where would I look?”

“On the control panel, probably to the left of the steering wheel,” Max replied.

“Young man, there must be another way,” the woman said.

“Give him a nudge with that leather stick,” Max suggested.

The woman swatted the steer across the rear with the riding crop. The steer bucked-and the woman went flying through the air and landed several yards away in a haystack.

Max went over to her. “How did you enjoy the ride?” he asked.

“It wasn’t exactly what I expected,” she replied, backing out of the haystack, “but, as long as I’m enjoying myself so much, I suppose that doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Not a bit,” Max agreed. “Care for another ride?”

“Noooo-I think I’ll go back to the pool,” the woman said. “As much as I enjoy riding, I think I enjoy practically drowning even more. It’s amazing what fun that is.” She giggled again. “I think I’m hooked,” she said.

“That’s the way it goes,” Max said. “You get a little water in your ears, and before you know it you’re on a drowning kick.”

As the woman departed, Hymie returned.

“You just missed something,” Max told him. “I had a perfect example here of what can happen to a person when her bedside computer has been brainwashed. This woman is so sure she’s enjoying herself, she can’t wait to get back into the pool and almost drown again.”

“I saw some evidence of it myself,” Hymie said. “People are sitting around the pool in the sun, practically burning to a crisp, and they’re laughing their heads off.”

“Did you see 99?”

“No, she wasn’t there,” Hymie replied. “She probably went in to the lobby to get out of the sun.”

“Or. . her willpower isn’t what I thought it was,” Max conjectured.

“My investigation paid off though, Max,” Hymie said. “The minute I got close to the pool I heard a very distinct ticking.”

“Hymie. . Means and Ways told us about that. It’s caused by sun spots.”

“They were lying, Max. That ticking is coming from Number One.”

“A second ago, you told me it was coming from the pool.”

“It is. Number One is somewhere near the pool. The odd thing is. . the sound seems to be coming from beneath the pool.”

“Well, we’ll just go over there and wait, then,” Max said. “It stands to reason that she can’t stay on the bottom forever.”

“She isn’t at the bottom, Max,” Hymie said. “I looked. The water is clear, and I could see straight to the bottom. She isn’t there, but still. . still, she’s there.”

“Hymie. . have you been talking to that brainwashed computer in your room?”

“I know it sounds puzzling, Max,” Hymie said. “But that’s the only way I can explain it. Tonight, when all the guests are asleep, we’ll have to make a thorough examination of that pool.”

“Hymie, you said you could see the whole pool, right to the bottom, and there was nothing to see. How will it help to go back at night? Can you see nothing better in the dark?”