William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

“How do I look?” Hymie asked.

“Ah don’t believe ah know you, stranger,” Max replied.

They then drove back to the ranch. After hiding the car, they approached the ranch gate, where a guard-dressed as a ranch hand-was on duty.

“Howdy, podna,” Max drawled. “We’re two cow pokes and a lady guest.” He indicated 99. “She’s the lady guest.”

“Welcome, Miss,” the ranch hand said. He pointed toward the guest house. “Thataway,” he said.

99 passed through the entrance and moved on toward the guest house.

“Whichaway do we go?” Max asked the hand.

“It depends on what you want?” the ranch hand replied.

“Waal, we just come off the big drive to Abilene,” Max said. “And we’re fixin’ to tie-up with a new outfit.”

“The big drive to Abilene, eh?” the hand said suspiciously. “How did you get there?”

“The freeway,” Max replied. “How else?”

“Well, we might be able to use some extra hands,” the guard said. “Come along.”

He led them to the guest house, then into the office. There, Max and Hymie found themselves in the presence of Wayne Ways and Melvin Means.

“Looking for work, eh?” Ways said. “Have you had any experience?”

“Doing what?” Max asked.

“Handling a herd,” Means said.

“Of course,” Max replied. “Cows are practically our middle names.”

“I’m talking about the guests,” Means said. “If they’re not watched, they stray, and get lost on the desert. That costs money.”

“What are you getting for guests by the pound these days?” Max asked.

“I mean if they stray and get lost for good they can’t pay their bills, naturally,” Means said. “Okay, you’re hired,” he decided. “Your duties will be to take care of the pony and the steer and-”

“Are they the same as the horse and the cow?” Max asked.

“Right. We only got one of each. That’s enough for atmosphere, we figure. Your other duty will be to do whatever the guests request. Just kind of hang around and be available.”

“We do that very well,” Max said.

“You’ll bunk in the bunkhouse with all the other hands,” Ways said. “Oh. . and one other thing. If you happen to be near the pool and hear a lot of loud ticking, pay no attention to it.”

“What causes it?” Max asked.

“Sun spots,” Ways said.

Max peered at him puzzledly. “Sun spots?”

“Why not?” Means said. “Everything else gets blamed on sun spots-why not loud ticking?”

“That makes sense,” Max admitted.

“Okay, let’s shake a leg!” Ways said.

Hymie shook his right leg.

“Uh. . he has a great sense of humor,” Max explained, hurrying Hymie out.

Max and Hymie went first to the bunkhouse. There were separate rooms for each of the hands. They were surprised to find that on each bedside table there was a bedside computer.

“That’s very nice of Means and Ways,” Max said. “Not every employer is thoughtful enough to supply his hired hands with such conveniences.”

“There must be some reason for it,” Hymie frowned.

“Of course there is-good employer-employee relations,” Max said.

“Some other reason,” Hymie insisted. “We’ll probably find out sooner or later.”

“In the meantime,” Max said, “we better pretend to be working.”

They left the bunkhouse and went to the corral.

“It’s probably either feeding time or milking time,” Max said. “Now. . we have a horse and a cow, so it ought to be easy to figure out which to do to which. Except that. . uh, Hymie, do you happen to know which is the horse and which is the cow?”

“A cow has horns, I think,” Hymie replied.

“Good-that settles that,” Max said, approaching the animal with the horns. “Now, then. .” He looked under the steer. “Are you positive about that horn business?” he asked, raising up. “This cow doesn’t seem to have any faucets.”

“The horse doesn’t either,” Hymie reported.

“Maybe we’ve got a handicapped cow here,” Max said.

“Or-” Hymie began.

Just then, though, 99 appeared. “You!” she called to Max and Hymie. “I want to ride. Saddle the pony for me.”

“I guess she doesn’t recognize us,” Max said to Hymie. “These handlebar mustaches are a better disguise than I thought.”

“I think she’s putting on an act, Max,” Hymie said.

“What for, for heaven’s sake? We’re old friends.”

“She’s acting like a real guest, Max, to keep the other hands from getting suspicious.”

“Oh,” Max nodded.

“Well-are you going to saddle the horse?” 99 asked. “Or do I have to report you to the management?”

“There’s a little difficulty about that, lady,” Max replied. “But maybe you can straighten it out. Do you happen to know which one of these horses is the horse?”

“The high one,” 99 replied.

“Wouldn’t you know?” Max sighed. “When you have to put a saddle on it, it’s always the high one.” He went to the shed where the fodder and gear were kept and returned a moment later with the saddle. “What’re all these straps and buckles for?” he asked.

“For strapping the saddle onto the horse,” 99 said.

“Snaps would certainly be a lot more practical,” Max grumbled.

Moving closer, 99 whispered, “What have you found out, Max?”

“Please, lady,” he replied, “I’m only a hired hand. I don’t think I’m allowed to mix with the guests.”

“Max!”

“We found out that they have bedside computers in all the rooms in the bunkhouse,” Hymie said to 99.

“Hymie, cut that out,” Max scolded. “Didn’t you hear me-we’re not supposed to mix with the guests. Do you want to get us fired?”

“It’s me, Max,” 99 whispered.

“I know that, 99. That wig didn’t fool me for a minute. I just wanted to show you that I’m as good an actor as you are.”

Max tossed the saddle onto the horse-and it slid off the other side. “Good thing you weren’t in it,” he said to 99. “You might have got a nasty fall.”

“Do you have anything to report?” Hymie asked 99, while Max was retrieving the saddle.

“Yes. . something very peculiar,” 99 replied. “The guests are. . well, they’re acting very strangely. They’re supposed to be on vacation. . and yet. . they’re enjoying themselves. .”

Max tossed the saddle onto the horse from the other side-and it kept right on going and landed on 99, pinning her to the ground.

Max reappeared. “You should have stayed out of it until I had it strapped to the horse, 99,” he said. “It looks like you had a nasty fall.”

“Max. . will you get this thing off me?”

He picked up the saddle, and 99 got to her feet. “I was just telling Hymie about the guests,” she said. “They’re enjoying themselves.”

“They probably haven’t been horseback riding yet,” Max guessed.

“No, it’s more than that,” 99 said. “It’s really sort of eerie. I mean, I know about vacations. I’ve been on vacation myself. And I know how it goes. You sit around bored stiff most of the time. You worry about what’s happening back at the office. But these people aren’t doing that. They’re having a fine time. I’ve never seen a happier bunch.”

“They sound like a bunch of phonies to me,” Max said.

“99. . do you have a bedside computer in your room?” Hymie asked.

“Of course,” 99 replied. “Also television and a sauna and a barbecue pit and a sandbox. Why?”

“I think what we’ve stumbled onto is not really a dude ranch, but a clinical laboratory,” Hymie said.

“I agree,” Max said. “That sandbox is a dead giveaway.”

“I don’t understand,” 99 frowned.