СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски - Umseshi Obucayi. Umseshi omnandi

– Yini i-KGB? – USonny ukhathazekile.

Ubaba ukhiphe isandla sendodana yakhe futhi, ebuka indodana yakhe, ibukeka njengenqama esangweni elisha, esithombeni seDzerzhinsky.

– I-KGB iyefana ne-FSB. Mdala nje ugogo. Futhi kulungile, hhayi njengamanje, yonke into yonakele… Ngokuvamile, ugogo yi-FSB…

– I-KGB … – indodana ilungisa, kwathi isisonge isishubhu eyomile ezinzulwini zamakhala, wakhipha, wayibheka, wayiluma imvuthu, wayikhipha, yaqhuma ikhala lakhe. – phew.., usawoti.

– UNGAYI kudla i-roe ukuthi unyoko akakondli?! – ubaba wathukuthela.

– Cha, uyondla.

– Ngenza imali kwi-feed. Futhi umama uyapheka futhi ondle kulokhu engikutholile. Ngiyitholile?

– Yamukelwe, iqondiwe, yamukelwa…

– Wenze kahle, uyihlo, nawe …?

Indodana yasukuma ekhawuntara yakwaSIMIRNO, njengoba umpristi wayemkhuze.

– Wenze kahle esitebeleni, kodwa ngikwenze kahle.!!..

– .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. – U-Otila ushaye ikhanda emuva kwendodana yakhe ngobumnene, kodwa u-Izya wasuka wasondelana ngqo nasesinqeni (ekhaleni) likayise, njengoba ayefundisa.

– Uh..– U-Ottila waqhuma phezulu, efihle izinhlungu, isandla sakhe sinye kuphela, futhi amehlo akhe esula izinyembezi, – Ngakho-ke, ingabe umama uyondla noma cha?

– Izinceku. Udla ukudla okumnandi … – indodana yaqala ukukhetha endlebeni yakhe yesobunxele … – Bese kuthi udadewethu futhi ubani?

– Wena nawe dadewethu?.. Futhi nina NABANTU! -ubaba wamamatheka wagqoka izibuko zakhe, wehla etafuleni waya esihlalweni wabhala ngokubhala, eguqa phansi waze waphakama.

– Futhi kusho ukuthini-ke lokho ku-AUTHORITY yethu, kulelo sonto… lokhu… kufike omunye uMongameli …, waseMelika, i-KGB ilele, futhi abantu bakhathazekile?

– Yini enye umongameli onjalo? – Amehlo kababa aphuma ephuma ngaphansi kwengilazi.

– Nalena evala ngoNamandla egumbini lapho uhlala endlini yangasese amahora amathathu,..

– Bese kuthiwani?

– .. ke-ke, bayahleka futhi baphume, njengamakati ngoMashi emigwaqweni ebusuku, bese begcwala njengezingulube lapho bengathathi hlangothi. Bese uphuma – emva kokugeza – ezimanzi.

– Futhi ngikuphi ngalesi sikhathi? – ubaba wethuka.

– Futhi usahlala ethoyilethi ihora lonke.., bese-ke, njengokujwayelekile, kumemeza: «Letha iphepha!!!».

– Lapha, ipiss!!. – ukuphunyula ebusheni bamazinyo kaGeneral Klop.

– Futhi yini i- «bitch»?

– Ungabe usasho lokho. Kulungile?

– Kuqondwe, kwamukelwa, Amen. – Ngiphinde ngavuka, ekhawuntini ye-Izza.

– Unomsebenzi wokulwa, ukuthola ukuthi lo Mongameli wesibili ungubani.

– Usetholakele. Lona ongaphansi kwakho – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

– Indoda endala le? Uneminyaka emashumi amathathu kuye, futhi umdala kunami ngamashumi amane nantathu. Sawubona… lesi yisiwula, ngabe uyisihlobo?! – UKlop waphawula phezulu waqala ukubhala okunye.

– Ha ha ha ha!!!! – Ngemuva kwesikhashana, ubaba wami wavele waqhuma futhi wacishe waqhuma esihlalweni sakhe. Yileyo ndlela ahleka ngayo, ukuthi ngisho igama elicekiwe alinakuchazwa, ngamanyala kuphela. Kepha wabambelela ehlombe lendodana yakhe. – Hawu, ha, kulungile, hamba, kufanele ngisebenze, futhi lo omunye uMongameli unamaqanda enkukhu efrijini lakhe emaphaketheni nasezicathulweni.

– U-Hee-hee, – U-Izya uhlaselwe buthule, – mhlawumbe ne-cactus?

– Ngabe ufunani…

Indodana yajabula futhi yabalekela engxenyeni yokuqala yendlu.

Umshushisi wesibili futhi umsizi wokuqala wamaphoyisa esifundeni, uCorpor Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, owayengumbhali wesifo sokuqina, uthole umsebenzi wokuthatha umhlalaphansi ophakathi nendawo, ngenxa yomka-Ottila, u-Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. Wayemude kathathu kunomphathi wakhe futhi emncane amahlandla amahlanu kunowenkosikazi yakhe. Ikhala livinjelwe, njengokhozi namadevu, njengoBudyonny noma uBarmaley. Sekukonke, indodana yangempela yezintaba, okuthe ekuqaleni kwePerestroika, yehlela usawoti, yakhubeka futhi yaqagela endaweni eyi-gorge, khona lapho emotweni yemithwalo evulekile ngaphandle kophahla, ngamalahle avela eTbilisi-SPb isitimela sezimpahla. Esiteshini, uLyuban waphaphama wagxuma. Usebenze lapha nalaphaya waze wahlangana nonkosikazi wamaphoyisa wesifunda ngenkathi ephuza. Wamncoma njengomzala ovela eCaucasus.

Ngemuva kokuqeda umsebenzi, u-Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, njengenjwayelo, wathatha isithombe esisetafuleni enesithombe sikaMongameli osesikhundleni, waphefumula kuso, wasesula esikhwameni sakhe, waqabula umphambili ekhanda lekhanda wasibuyisela endaweni yaso efanele ekhoneni letafula, wasibeka emphemeni wepensela namapeni, irabha namapensela, iphakethe lamaphephandaba okukhangiswa kwamahhala okukhethwa kokuzihlanzela komuntu. Wayezonda iphepha lasendlini yangasese. Mncane futhi umunwe uhlala ubhobozwa kuwo ngalo mzuzu obaluleke kakhulu bese kufanele uwususe. Futhi ukuyinyakazisa endaweni emincane, kunethuba lokuthi umunwe ushaye ibhulokhi lokhuni elingaphakathi lendlu yangasese yomgwaqo waseSoviet futhi uzwe izinhlungu, umzwangedwa wenza ukuthi umunwe ogulayo umunyiswe ngamathe afudumele, esikhundleni salokho ezwe ukunambitheka kwamalongwe akhe, ayewagqoke amahora angama-24, ebeka igumbi lokuphumula ngaphandle kwesikhathi.

Ukusula izithukuthuku ebunzini lakhe, ezinqeni, ezingalweni, emilenzeni nangaphansi kwamaqanda, lapho wafunga khona kanzima, wasebenzisa ithawula lokugeza. Uyabuza: kungani ungelona igwababa? Impendulo ilula: ithawula likhulu futhi lihlala isikhathi eside.

Bekusekude kakhulu, futhi umndeni wawusuphefumula kudala.

U-Ottila, engena engxenyeni yokuhlala yendawo yokuhlala, wangena buthule ekhishini, wathatha imitha emihlanu yelanga esiqandisini. Kuhluthwe ku-huckster yendawo. Wayicindezela esiswini, uthathe nje isoso, lapho kwakubekwa khona ucezwana lokwenza isitshulu, olunywe ngomunye womndeni. Noma mhlawumbe le mbuzi endala, i-Intsephalopath, ebingakaze ixubhe amazinyo impilo yayo yonke futhi imane yaluma umhlathi wayo ngamakhokho.

«Kungakho benginamasosha,» kusho uKlopa, «waqabula u-Isolde, u-Isolde Izyu, kanti u-Izya uqabula izindebe zami ngeminyaka emihlanu kanye nelezi ezine ezivela esikoleni kanye noma kabili ngonyaka. Lokhu akuyona i-pedophilism, eyodwa noma ezimbili … – Kepha amazinyo ka-Incephalopath ayemnyama kakhulu, ama-hemp nezimpande zazihlala zopha, kepha uHarutun akazange abuzwe nakancane. Le nkinga kwi-DNA ayizange imlimaze nakancane, kodwa yaze yasiza ngempumelelo ophenyweni.

U-Ottila ubelukhuni futhi efuna ukubuyisa ipuleti endaweni yakhe, kepha ecindezele imbiza, wanquma ukungayideleli. Ukukhanya kwelanga kukhombisa yonke into. Ngakho-ke washintsha umqondo wakhe waya etafuleni. Kwakunethelevishini encane ekhishini, wayikhanyisa endleleni. Futhi lapho ngisendleleni, ngaya esitobhini segesi ngavula isembozo sepanini, emi ngaku-tiptoe. Iphunga, eqeda kulo, wamane wadakwa u-Ottila futhi wavele wafuna ukulidla. Wathatha ikhabethe: ipuleti, ithebhulethi, umpheki wepelepisi, ummese, isinkwa, imayonesi, ukhilimu omuncu, i-kefir, i-airan, i-kounto, i-ketchup, iqabunga le-bay, i-mug, izinkabi ezimbili: ezinkulu nezincane, futhi, ehlushwa ukubamba ibhalansi yakhe, waya etafuleni, wasukuma wakhathala: zombili izandla zazidlulile, zigcwele kakhulu futhi kuye kwadingeka ukuthi zisebenzise izindololonga. Konke okushaywe kushintshwe kuhamba kancane. U-Ottila wazama ukusunduza ipuleti etafuleni ngekhala lakhe, kepha itafula laliphezulu, futhi izindolowane zakhe zaqala ukuvuvukala. U-Ottila wakhukhumala wabeka yonke into esihlalweni. Wabe esexabana futhi, ecindezela isihlalo ukuze ubone i-TV, imi ngasesitulo, okumanje iphinde ifanelwe itafula njengebamba, ime, ithulule amagremu ayikhulu namashumi amahlanu e-sunlight emgqomeni futhi ikhulule ngokujulile, igcwalise konke ngasikhathi sinye ngesudu eyodwa bese ihambisana nayo ngezwi elikhulu. ukuzwakala komsindo. Wazwakala njengelamula endala, ngaphandle kokungabaza, wabamba ucezu lwensipho eyayihlanganisiwe ngayo yonke eyisihlanu futhi wagoqeka uhhafu kanye namathambo. Amathambo agebha ulaka lwakhe nolimi. Wathula, kepha wabe esekhumbula i-yoga kayise futhi wakhohlwa izinhlungu, njengoba ogogo noma izingane bakhohlwa okhiye nezinye izinto eziyimfihlo. Okulandelayo emgqeni kwakuyisobho. Isobho laliqukethe la ma-mandgents alandelayo: uphizi, i-sauerkraut, amazambane, u-anyanisi othosiwe kanye nezaqathe ku-paste utamatisi, uphondo lukakolweni oluthambile, i-semolina, iqanda lenkukhu elixubekile nocezu olubanjiwe lwegobolondo, umunwe, usayizi womuntu omdala, futhi oluyinhlanganisela yengxenye eyodwa yethambo lenyama elinemithambo. ngaphakathi kwepani. Inyama, ngokusobala, ibidliwe ngaphambili, kumgomo: «emndenini omkhulu… ungachofozi.» Ngokuncela isobho elivele ligugile futhi lalibukeka njengamahhashi, u-Ottila wagoqeka ithambo futhi waphila, ngenkathi efunda izindaba ngokucophelela. Ukukhishwa okulandelayo kwesikhungo sezingcingo bekuso esikrinini se-TV: