Рита Браун - Sneaky Pie's Cookbook For Mystery Lovers

Human

JUTS’S MORTGAGE MINCEMEAT

Makes enough filling for 2 pies

1 pound chuck meat, cut into small cubes

1 cup cider

1 ⅔ cups New Orleans—style molasses

8 apples, cored, peeled, and cut into small cubes

6 ounces beef suet

2 cups currants

3 cups seedless raisins

1 cup citron, diced fine

2 ½ cups sugar

1 cup sipping whiskey

½ teaspoon ground cloves

3 teaspoons cinnamon

½ teaspoon ground mace

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 tablespoon salt

½ tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg

fest from 1 ½ lemons

In a large Dutch oven, bring the meat and cider to a boil over medium-high heat. Skim off the froth and stir in the molasses. Stir in everything else, reduce the heat to low, and stir, and stir, and stir every 15 minutes for 3 to 5 hours, or until the mixture is very thick and jamlike.

Naturally you can pour in more liquor to suit your taste. Keep tasting, as this is a seat-of-your-pants recipe. When it suits you, it’s done.

Turn off the heat and let it cool down.

YOU CAN PUT it in a piecrust or serve it just like it is. It gets better with time, but do refrigerate it and warm it up when you next serve it, although you can eat it cold. This is Tucker’s favorite recipe.

Mother tells this tale of Juts’s mincemeat (Juts Brown was my mother’s mother). It was the Depression and everything was going to hell in a handbasket. Juts desperately needed a mortgage. She invited the banker to the house for Christmas Eve—the Browns always threw open their doors on Christmas Eve, which meant the folks in town were mixed up worse than a dog’s breakfast and loved every minute of it.

Her eggnog was as famous as her mincemeat. For every egg she added a glass of brandy and a glass of whiskey.

By the time the banker ate her mincemeat and knocked back a couple of glasses of eggnog, Juts had her mortgage.

Dog

DOG COOKIES

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 cup wheat germ

1 cup bran flakes

1 cup soy flour

1 cup cornmeal

1 cup grits

1 tablespoon active dry yeast

1 cup sunflower seeds, ground

1 egg or equivalent egg substitute

1 ¾ cups broth or water

¼ cup canola oil

1 cup nonfat dry milk

Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl.

Roll or pat out to ¼- to ½-inch thickness. Cut with a dog bone—shaped cookie cutter or into 1 × 3-inch strips. Place on a well-oiled baking sheet.

Bake at 300°G F. for 45 minutes.

Turn off the heat and leave in the hot oven for 30 minutes or more to dry.

A DOG’S NUTRITIONAL requirements are very different than a cat’s. For one thing, a dog will eat almost anything. If it doesn’t sit well, they just throw it up and look for more food. I think this is absolutely gross.

They love dried smoked pigs’ ears. You couldn’t pay me to eat one of those things. Nor will I eat carrion. This alone proves the superiority of cats—although, I confess, I love Tucker, the Corgi, despite her food habits. We were babies together. People who say cats and dogs don’t get along don’t know what they’re talking about. If we’re raised together, we do.

Dog

THE DOG’S DINNER

Take the leftovers from these recipes, toss all of them in a dish, and feed. (Hee hee.)

Cat/Human

SALMON PIE

Makes 1 pie

1 (8-inch) piecrust

2 tablespoons (¼ stick) unsalted butter or margarine

2 tablespoons all—purpose flour

2 cups 2% milk

1 (7–ounce) can salmon

½ (6–ounce) package frozen peas

2 cups potato chips

Bake the piecrust at 425°G F. until lightly browned. Take out of the oven and reduce the heat to 375°G F.

In a saucepan, melt the butter over low heat. Stir in the flour until there are no lumps and add the milk. Stir until thickened.

Drain the salmon and mix with the sauce.

Stir in the frozen peas and pour the mixture into the prepared piecrust.

Lightly crush the potato chips and spread evenly over the salmon mixture.

Bake for about 20 minutes, or until bubbly.

IF YOU DON’T want to bake a pie, you can leave out the peas and potato chips, roll into small balls, and eat immediately. Humans won’t eat it that way.

If you don’t like salmon, and some cats don’t, you can substitute lamb, beef, or tuna. Personally, I don’t like beef except for organ meats, but other cats crave beef. There’s no accounting for taste.

Cat

VEAL KIDNEY

1 fresh kidney, washed and diced

If your human won’t dice the raw kidney, have him or her put the kidney in a pot, cover with water, and boil. After 15 minutes, turn off the heat and let cool.

Remove the meat and cut into small pieces.

You can pour this over your crunchies cold or warm it up.

I ENJOY KIDNEY any time of year but Mother won’t make it in the summer. The aroma overpowers her.

As you’ve noticed, humans have a peculiar sense of smell. Their olfactory sense is underdeveloped. To further impair their noses, they smoke and wear perfume or cologne. But the scent of kidney in summer is too much for Mom, who has a good nose for a human.

I was reading The Intelligence of Dogs the other day, and I quote, “The scenting ability of hounds is truly remarkable. The average dog has around two hundred twenty million scent receptors in its nose, as compared to only five million for humans.” And just think, a hound has a better nose than other dogs.

On the issue of scent, I concede that dogs are far superior to cats.

Horse

MOLASSES MASH

¼ cup dry molasses

¾ bucket beet pulp

Warm water

Mix the dry molasses through the beet pulp, then add warm water almost to the top of the pail. Allow to sit overnight.

When you come into the barn in the morning, reach down in the pail with your hands and turn the mixture over again.

For a 16-hand horse, add ½ cup of the molasses mash to his or her regular feed.