Рита Браун: Sneaky Pie's Cookbook For Mystery Lovers

When you serve the cake, whoever gets a toothpick gets a kitty kiss.

WHITE CREAM ICING

¾ cup (1 ½ sticks) butter, softened

2 cups confectioners sugar, sifted

2 tablespoons milk or cream

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a mixer, cream the butter, then gradually add the confectioners’ sugar until fully blended.

Stir in the milk or cream and vanilla until smooth and thick enough to spread on the cake.

UNSWEETNED CHOCOLATE ICING

4 ounces dark unsweetened chocolate

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler, being careful not to let it bubble. Spread (or drizzle) over the cake immediately.

I LOVE THIS cake. It’s hard to make. Juts Brown, Mom’s mother, made this every year on November 28, Rita Mae’s birthday.

The trick is to put the cake in the refrigerator so the unsweetened chocolate will harden over the creamy vanilla icing. The combination of tastes is what makes the cake.

However, it’s so slippery that after she spread the unsweetened chocolate over the bottom layer, Juts put toothpicks in to hold the top layer in place. If she didn’t, the top layer would look like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Once, she spread the vanilla and unsweetened chocolate icings over the entire cake without anchoring it with toothpicks or even putting it in the icebox (Juts never called a refrigerator a refrigerator just like she never said zero; she said ought) and the top half slid off the bottom half, skidded across the table, and then slid onto the floor. Delicious. I’m still waiting for that to happen again.

Juts gave prizes to whoever got toothpicks in their cake slice. Usually the toothpicks were visible because Juts put in colored ones. It’s odd what humans cherish; Mom still has some of her prizes: a little mechanical pencil, a rabbit’s foot keychain, and a toy truck. Aren’t people funny?

Dog/Human

DEVILED EGGS

Makes 1 dozen

6 hard-boiled eggs, peeled

¼ cup mayonnaise

1 tablespoon yellow mustard

1 tablespoon cider vinegar

1 tablespoon sweet pickle relish (optional)

salt and pepper

Paprika

Slice the hard-boiled eggs in half lengthwise.

Remove the yolks and place in a small bowl.

Add to the yolks the mayonnaise, mustard, vinegar, and pickle relish, if using. Stir until thoroughly mixed and fluffy-looking.

Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Pipe or spoon the mixture into the egg white halves.

Dust lightly with paprika.

Refrigerate and serve cold.

SOME CATS LIKE a raw egg mixed into their commercial food. I am not one of them. Pewter craves eggs no matter how they are served.

Many dogs will eat an egg on the spot, smashing the shell.

I once saw Mom use an egg to train a horse. The mare, four years old, would “get light in the front” when she didn’t do whatever you asked her to do. That means the front two legs come off the ground a bit. It’s not the worst of sins but she’d discovered that this scared people.

Mother wanted her to walk over a log, that’s all, walk over. Maybe the mare decided the log was going to bite her or maybe she was just plain lazy. I don’t know. The first time she went up, Mom was ready with an egg in her hand. She rose up in her stirrups and smacked the egg right between the horse’s ears. Well, that stunned the horse, who stood stone still. And from then on she would walk over that log when asked to.

This proves that horses are dumb.

Mother always takes up for the horses. She says they are grass eaters and their brains are organized differently than ours because humans and dogs and cats think like predators. I still think they’re slow in the head.

Cat/Dog/Human

Serves 4

MOTHER’S FRIED CHICKEN

1 package chicken pieces or 1 broiler chicken, cut into serving pieces (legs, wings, thighs, breasts)

2 cups chicken breader mix

¼ cup Old Bay seasoning

Salt and pepper

Vegetable or peanut oil

Thoroughly rinse the chicken pieces and pat them dry.

Mix the chicken breader mix and Old Bay seasoning in a large brown paper bag.

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Heat the oil in a large chicken fryer or deep fryer until hot but not smoking.

Dredge the chicken pieces in the breader mix and add to the hot oil. Fry until golden brown.

Drain on paper towels.

Put on a baking sheet arid bake at 350°G F. for 20 to 30 minutes, or until cooked through.

THIS SATISFIES YOUR need for crunchy sounds … and your need for meat. Humans will eat it, too. Caution: Cats and dogs should not eat bones. Those tiny chicken bones can splinter in your intestine and kill you. Ask your human to cut the chicken off the bone.

Mother says there are two ways to make a man fall in love with you. One is to serve him good fried chicken. The other is to wear red and yellow. There’s a folk saying, “Red and yellow, catch a fellow.” I don’t know where it came from or why those colors but Mom absolutely believes it.

She also wishes on stars and carries a lucky rabbit’s foot. Wasn’t lucky for the rabbit, I can tell you.

Humans aren’t rational but since they only talk to one another, they don’t know it.

Some other cherished beliefs of my human:

An itchy palm means money’s coming your way.

If your nose itches, someone is talking about you.

A blackbird pecking on a windowpane means someone in the family will die soon.

Cocktail parties are an excellent way to weaken men.

If a shadow crosses your mirror a secret will be revealed.

If any animal brings you a human hand, you will come to great power.

When visiting a human in his or her new home, bring an offering of salt in one container and sugar in another. (Mom always brings a loaf of fresh bread, too.)

Never give anyone an empty purse. Always put a dollar in it.

On Christmas Eve at midnight, go to the stable and speak to the horses and cattle. They will speak back because animals first recognized Jesus. Took the Wise Men until January 6th.

I could fill a book with these superstitions. There’s no point arguing with a human over something like this. You have to humor them.

Rabbit/Human

RABBIT FOOD

Makes 1 large salad

1 head Boston lettuce

1 head arugula

¼ cup mustard greens

½ cup toasted sunflower seeds

½ cup cubed mild Cheddar cheese

½ cup chopped fried bacon, drained

Pinch of capers

Simple Dressing (recipe follows)

Chill the salad bowl while you wash and dry the lettuce and greens.

Tear the lettuce and greens into bite-size pieces.

Add the other ingredients and toss gently.

Serve with Simple Dressing.