Рита Браун - Sneaky Pie For President

Sneaky Pie for President is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2012 by American Artists, Inc.

Illustrations copyright © 2012 by Michael Gellatly

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Bantam Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group,a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

BANTAM BOOKS and the rooster colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Brown, Rita Mae.

Sneaky pie for president : a novel / by Rita Mae Brown & Sneaky Pie Brown.

p. cm.

eISBN: 978-0-345-53354-8

1. Cats—Fiction. 2. Dogs—Fiction. 3. Political campaigns—Fiction. 4. Virginia—Fiction. I. Title.

PS3552.R698S59 2012

813′.54—dc23 2012015893

www.bantamdell.com

Jacket design and illustrations: Beverly Leung

Jacket illustrations include images © Daniel Pelvin (cat silhouette), © Mike McDonald/Shutterstock (frontjacket button motif), ©

v3.1

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Epigraph

A Note from the Author

Chapter 1 - A United Front, with Tails

Chapter 2 - Give Peace a Chance

Chapter 3 - Of Mice and Men

Chapter 4 - Cowbirds and the Trickle-Down Theory

Chapter 5 - Back to the Land

Chapter 6 - Fish Tales

Chapter 7 - Training Humans

Chapter 8 - A Hoot

Chapter 9 - Cast Off Your Chains!

Chapter 10 - Choose Your Allies Wisely

Chapter 11 - Clever as a Fox

Chapter 12 - Horse Sense

Chapter 13 - Hanging Out

Chapter 14 - Woodpeckers for More Bugs, Less Chemicals

Chapter 15 - A Warrior’s Death

Chapter 16 - Literary Aspirations Revealed

Chapter 17 - One Moment in Time

Chapter 18 - Shots Are Fired

Chapter 19 - Saving for Tomorrow, One Bone at a Time

Chapter 20 - Welcome to America

Campaign Platform

Campaign Promises

Additional Campaign Information

A Note from Rita Mae Brown

Dedication

Other Books by This Author

About the Authors

“The greatness of a nation and its moral

progress can be judged by the way

its animals are treated.”

—M

AHATMA

G

ANDHI

A Note from the Author

From a writer’s perspective, the line between fact and fiction is considerably less clear than most readers realize.

To illustrate my point, I’ll provide an example. Naturally, I am the star of the book you are about to read, but this very important tome also features (in much less important roles) the fat cat Pewter and the wise corgi Tucker—both of whom will be familiar to readers of my bestselling Mrs. Murphy mystery series showcasing the misadventures of a hapless human called Harry Haristeen. Neither Mrs. Murphy nor Harry show up here but, no big surprise, another human intrudes in these pages now and then.

You have never before met Tally, a Jack Russell featured herein, whom I live with in real life. I do not include her in the mysteries. She’s enough trouble as it is. The Human referred to throughout is my co-writer, Rita Mae Brown. In truth, her role as co-writer is a minor one, in that she merely writes down what I say—but it’s unlike me to denigrate her publicly, discretion being the better part of valor. (She gets cranky and then there are less treats for all. Also, she takes care of mailings so I must tread oh-so-carefully.)

Now, on to more important matters, like saving the planet!

Vote for me!

A United Front, with Tails

“When in the Course of human events.” Sneaky Pie took a breath. The cat paused in her reciting. “There’s the fatal flaw right there! Human . The Declaration of Independence limits itself to a species that has weak senses and is highly irrational.”

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it,” Pewter replied to the sleek tiger cat. She had just found the perfect spot of sunlight to relax in. “Why get worked up over it?”

But the gray cat’s political apathy did not at all slow down the now-worked-up Sneaky Pie. “Leave these humans to their own devices and eventually laws will be passed forcing us to wear clothes.”

“You can’t be serious.” Pewter’s voice rose sharply.

“Underpants?” Awakened by the talk, Tally, the Jack Russell, roused herself. “Underpants. I’m not wearing underpants.”

“Oh, I can see you now, a lovely floral pair of silk panties with precious lace.” Pewter licked her lips, a hint of malice enlivening her face.

“Panties! Panties! Never.” The pint-sized dynamo ran in circles as if chasing her tail.

“Sit down, idiot,” Tee Tucker, the corgi, commanded her housemate.

“I am not an idiot.” Tally sat, but not before baring her impressive white fangs.

“Dogs forced to wear silly outfits is not so far-fetched,” said Sneaky Pie. “You’ve listened to the presidential debates. One Bible-thumping fellow thinks if gay marriage is passed, humans will want to marry animals. Making us wear clothes might just be the next step after that.” Sneaky imagined the future with such a president.

“Gross!” Pewter spat out.

“Sex. Sex. Sex!” Tally jumped up, running in circles again.

“Sit down, for Christ’s sake. You’re making me dizzy,” Tucker again commanded.

“Underpants, sex.” The pretty little rough-coated Jack Russell raised her eyebrows. “This is just too weird.”

“That’s my point.” Sneaky Pie walked over to the distressed dog. “If a human running for president wastes everyone’s time yammering about deviant sex, politics has gone truly off the rails.”

“Zoom!” Tucker moved her head as though watching a speeding train, lowering her voice. She asked her three friend animals, “Have you had deviant sex?”

Sneaky Pie swatted her right on the rump. “Of course not! Among us, let’s raise the tone, please!”

“Sex! Sex! Sex!” Tally shrieked in opposition.

“Will you sit down!” Both cats shouted at the young un-spayed female dog.

Tears came to Tally’s soft brown eyes. “I don’t want to wear frilly underpants. What can we do?”

“How about a Declaration of Independence for animals?” Pewter sensibly suggested. “People revere Thomas Jefferson’s writing on humans’ so-called inalienable rights, or they pretend to do so, anyway.”

“ Pretend is the operative word. Believe me, if he came back and tried to run as a candidate today, they’d throw him out of Convention Hall,” Tucker declared.

“Back to my original thought, there’s nothing we can do about it,” said Pewter.

“Pewts, if these humans destroy their political system, it’s going to affect us one way or the other. We are Americats, after all.”