David Borgenicht: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Middle School

Oh. My. Gosh! You walked out of your house, got on the bus, and made it halfway down the hall to homeroom before you were clued in to the fact that your shirt is practically see-through, and everyone can see the bumblebee pattern on your bra! Or you sat on some paint in art class, and the whole school thinks you got your you-know-what.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! And it demands to be said again: Uuuggghhh!

Wardrobe disasters can make you want to crawl under your desk and stay there till the final bell rings. But if you remember these tricks, you’ll be able to hold your head up without wanting to barf all over your shirt (which would be another monstrous mishap).

1 Pinky promise.

Make a pact with one friend—your “go-to girl” who can be trusted completely —that you will tell each other if a funky stain ever materializes on your butt, or if your shirt is transparent. If your girl whispers, “Damage!” proceed to #2.

2 Locker up.

No, this doesn’t mean hide in your locker. It means that you were given a locker for just such emergencies, so keep an extra sweater or hoodie in there (or at the bottom of your book bag). Once you have that extra piece of clothing safely in hand, wrap it around your waist or over your shirt, and voil à! Problem solved!

3 Store secret supplies.

Someone you know (possibly even you) will get her period at school. Rather than being caught unprepared, do yourself a favor and keep some supplies in a non-see-through pencil case in your purse, book bag, or in the back of your locker. That way, if Aunt Flow visits you or your friend during the school day, you can minimize the mortification.

4 Presto, change-o!

A classic magician’s trick can also be of use to you: Distract attention! You never see a magician switching a coin from one hand to another because he has drawn your eyes elsewhere. Keep a candy necklace or big plastic ring in a supply box in your locker, and pop it on so that if people start staring, they’ll focus on the delicious candy around your neck, not the stain on your jeans.

5 Professional help.

If all else fails, the school nurse or a female teacher often has stuff that can help in a pinch. Since these pros have seen it all before, you can feel comfortable asking them for assistance if you need it.

Secrets can be tough to keep secret, especially if you share them in a public place where you can be (wince) overheard! If you find you’ve said too much at just the wrong time, here’s how to deal.

1 Don’t be “crushed.”

Your crush rolls up just as you’re confessing how much you like him. Whoops! After the color of your face downgrades from purple to pink, smile at him. Say something like, “Okay, so yes: I said you’re cute, because you are. That’s your compliment for the day. You may now feel free to compliment me anytime you’d like.” And with that, walk away. Ha-cha!

2 Request respect.

You can’t take your words back, but you can gently remind whoever overheard that the info is private . Tell them that you trust they’re good at keeping secrets.

3 Zip it up in the bathroom.

To avoid future secret spills, beware of talking privately in places where unseen listeners can lurk. Don’t assume you’re alone in the girls’ room just because you don’t see anyone. Same goes for stairwells—you never know who’s on the next landing.

1. Put your left foot forward while sliding your right foot backward.

2. Put your right foot forward while sliding your left foot backward.

3. Repeat.

4. Look: You’re running!

5. Change direction! Wave at passersby!

6. Oh no! A mean dog is chasing you! Run faster!

1. Bend down and grab the starter cord.

2. Pull the starter cord up and to the left! Again! Again!

3. Grab the imaginary handle of the mower.

4. Bring your left foot forward. Right foot forward.

5. Look: You’re pushing a lawn mower!

6. Wipe a bead of sweat from your brow. Dodge a bee! Drink some water!

7. And you’re mowing again!

1. Stand with your feet slightly apart.

2. Tuck your hands into your armpits—now your arms are wings!

3. Raise your right “wing” as you kick out your left leg.

4. Bring your right wing down as you bring your left leg back in.

5. Repeat with your other wing and leg.

6. Rapidly bob your head up and down, like a chicken pecking at grain.

7. Oh no! It’s the farmer! he’s got an ax! flap as hard as you can to get away!

Here’s what to do when the pimple fairy dumps a big, fat, disgusting one on your face.

Holding an ice cube against a pimple reduces the inflammation. Once that volcano is smaller, ask a makeup pro (like your mom or sister) to help you conceal it. Look for a concealer that matches your skin tone (it might take a few tries before you get it right).

The more you touch your face, the more dirt and oil you rub in—so hands off! Fight the urge to pick, prick, or pop. And no squeezing that blemish, because it’ll only get worse.

Finally, wash your face twice (and only twice ) a day with warm water and gentle soap or cleanser. Wash any more and you’ll risk irritating your skin.

BE AWARE• If things get really bad, ask to see a dermatologist who’ll banish the bumps professionally.

1. Put your heaviest, biggest book in first, standing upright in the back of your bag, so you feel one big flat surface against your back, instead of a bunch of lumpy little things and book corners poking you.

2. Stack your other big, fat textbooks horizontally on the bottom of the bag.