David Borgenicht: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Middle School

She’s always fidgeting, flipping her hair, or scratching her nose while you’re having a conversation. Chances are her twitchiness is not an allergic reaction. It’s very possible she’s looking for something to do with her hands because she’s been attacked by a case of nerves. Why? ’Cause she digs you and wants to make a good impression!

She talks to you for random reasons.

She makes fun of your outfit, no matter what you’re wearing. She wants help with the math assignment, even though she’s an A student and you can’t tell a prime number from a prime rib. She wants to use your pencil sharpener, but she’s using a pen.

She laughs at your lamest jokes.

If you say that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, and she cracks up—she either likes you or she’s got the worst sense of humor in the universe.

Avoid “playful” insults and jokes.

Instead, find out what interests her. Do you have any knowledge about her interests that you could share? If not, why not try to read up a bit? It’s a pretty cool way to gain friendship and IQ points.

Compliments are key.

By telling her how cool her locker decorations are or that you agreed with what she said in class, you let her know that she’s making an impression, and it’s a good one!

Take it online.

IMs and e-mail are perfect for getting to know someone without the stress of actual, in-person communication. So ask for her e-mail address and screenname, and chat away! Next time you see her in person, bring up the topic of your last online convo, so you have a bridge from the e-world to the real world.

• How bad (or good) the food is at school.

• How hard (or easy) Mr. Wolfson’s class is.

• how lame (or cool) the school dance was.

• What celebrity she hatey-hate-hates.

• What a pain your brother is—and ask her if she has any siblings.

• Bands you like—and ask what she likes, too.

• Best joke she’s heard…and, yeah, be sure to LOL.

• Movies you saw recently—and…oh, you get the picture.

There’s no saying what turns a girl mean, though scientists have their theories.

• Theory #1 suggests that deep down, the girl is insecure and knows she’s not as cool as she’s pretending to be.

• Theory #2 proposes that a mean girl is like social spinach: She’s been put here to make you stronger.

• Theory #3 states that she’s mean because her jeans are too tight and they’re cutting off the oxygen to her brain.

Whatever the cause, a mean girl’s nasty ways don’t have to get you down. Here’s how to deal with the most common species.

She tells you that she loves your outfit, wants to make plans with you after school, and agrees with everything you say…then she turns around and says the exact opposite to the girl she suddenly decides she likes more than you.

Don’t get hysterical.

Going bananas will only give this girl gossip fuel to report back to others. Talk to her with a cool head and calm heart instead.

Talk trust.

Tell The Mirror Has Two Faces that you know what’s going on. Then ask her to play it straight with you because you want to trust her.

Suggest “rep protection.”

Explain that people often think badly of folks who say one thing and then do another. Tell her you don’t want to see her become the girl whose word means squat.

“What are you wearing?!” she asks. Or she criticizes your favorite song and says you won’t “get it” when you ask what hers is.

Banish her bad-mouthing.

Now let her know that you’d appreciate it if she’d keep her negative thoughts to herself. Even better: laugh it off.

Blah, blah, blah… whatever!

First, get her voice out of your head! Feel confident about your strengths and tastes, and you’ll find her cutting comments actually mean less than a speck of glitter.

This friend crosses her heart, hopes to die, says she’ll stick a needle in her eye if she betrays you. Then, two minutes later, the banshee screams your secrets to anyone who will listen!

Zipherlip.

Remind Lady Overshare that you’re counting on her to stay silent, and if she blabs, you can’t trust her again.

Protect yourself.

If you’ve been burned more than once, you might have to accept that the girl’s got diarrhea of the mouth. Look for another person to tell the things you really want to stay between you and your confidante.

Though she’s nice to you, your good friend can be a witch on wheels to others. Since friends don’t let friends stay wicked, let her know it’s time to lose the ’tude.

Girl down!

Tell Miss Mean Jeans that when she’s rude, it makes you feel bad. Let her know her words can come out harsher than she thinks, and you don’t want someone to get hurt unintentionally.

Model behavior.