Lauren Child - Hang in There Bozo - The Ruby Redfort Emergency Survival Guide for Some Tricky Predicaments

Contents

Title Page

1. INTRODUCTION: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR WORST WORRY COMES YOUR WAY REMEMBER: Your worst worry is the worry you haven’t thought to worry about. BASICALLY, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SURVIVAL – you’re dead, you’re outta the game buster. Survival: sometimes life is just that. No time to skip around smelling the roses because you’re just too busy gripping onto the cliff edge by your fingernails; you’re exhausted and everything in you is telling you to let go. But ninety-nine times out of a hundred it is worth hanging on in there bozo, because, just as things can change for the worse, so too can they get a whole lot more appealing. One minute you’re crawling around a desert about to die of thirst, the next you’re drinking a glass of ice-cold lemonade, poolside. The difference between life and death: just a bad roll of the dice? A calamity can’t always be prevented and luck won’t always be on your side, but you gotta know luck only plays a part. REMEMBER: More often than not you can influence how things pan out. Your attitude counts for a lot. NEVER SAY DIE. This is my RULE 20: NINETY PER CENT OF SURVIVAL IS ABOUT BELIEVING YOU WILL SURVIVE. So long as you keep a cool head then you can make it out of there alive. And, if you make it outta there alive, you have a hope of getting your hands on that glass of ice-cold lemonade. So just keep focused on that, or whatever else it is that gives you a reason to live. NO MATTER HOW HOPELESS YOUR SITUATION SEEMS, no matter how tired you are, the thing you gotta do is focus. When in a desperate situation, think about what it is that makes life worth living. Simple as that: you have to live because your dog needs walking or Grandma needs a visit. Your reward: a jelly donut, an episode of your favourite show. All possible so long as you can dig your way out of that avalanche/navigate your way to land/find water/crawl out of that well/outrun that rhinoceros.

2. STUFF YOU’LL NEED

Survival tools

Spectrum gadgets

3. GETTING YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

Decide to stay calm

Think sideways

Be resourceful

Never give up

4. SKILLS TO BONE UP ON

Making a fire

Finding shelter

Finding water

5. WHATEVER YOU DO, BUSTER, DON’T GET LOST

Trying to find your way in daytime?

It’s night and you need to know where to go?

Use a compass, genius.

Don’t have a compass?

6. SO YOU GOT LOST, BUSTER?

What to do if you are lost in the desert

What to do if you are marooned at sea

What to do if you are alone in the wilderness and have no clue where you are

7. OK, SO THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING LOST

How to survive quicksand

How to survive a forest fire

How to survive a rip current

8. DANGEROUS ANIMALS, INCLUDING THE TWO-LEGGED TALKING VARIETY

Snakes

Snakish individuals

How to sidestep an angry dog

How to sidestep an angry individual

Wolves

Ocean predators

Alien life forms

Rhinos

Bears

Tigers

Bullies

9. SURVIVAL ETIQUETTE

If you should happen to meet the Queen of England

Meeting the ambassador

Dealing with individuals who you suspect might be dangerous

Dealing with individuals who you know are dangerously dull

9½. WHEN ETIQUETTE FAILS: GET ME OUTTA HERE SIGNALS

Fire

Morse code

An escape word

10. CONCLUSION: NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR WORST WORRY COMES YOUR WAY

BONUS EBOOK CHAPTER:

How to use your ebook reader in a survival situation

About the Author

Back Ads

Copyright

About the Publisher

RUBY IS NO FOOL, so the survival advice contained in these pages is based on real information. However, it is only to be used in dire circumstances where your safety is at risk, or with adult supervision, because survival involves techniques and tools that, if not followed carefully, can be extremely dangerous. In other words:

PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME.

The publishers cannot accept any responsibility for any prosecutions or proceedings suffered, brought or instituted against any person or body as a result of the use or misuse of any techniques described or any loss, injury or damage caused thereby. In practising and perfecting these survival techniques, the rights of landowners and all relevant laws protecting certain species of animals and plants and controlling the use of any weapons must be regarded as paramount.

REMEMBER: Your worst worry is the worry you haven’t thought to worry about.

BASICALLY, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SURVIVAL – you’re dead, you’re outta the game buster.

Survival: sometimes life is just that. No time to skip around smelling the roses because you’re just too busy gripping onto the cliff edge by your fingernails; you’re exhausted and everything in you is telling you to let go. But ninety-nine times out of a hundred it is worth hanging on in there bozo, because, just as things can change for the worse, so too can they get a whole lot more appealing. One minute you’re crawling around a desert about to die of thirst, the next you’re drinking a glass of ice-cold lemonade, poolside.

The difference between life and death: just a bad roll of the dice?

A calamity can’t always be prevented and luck won’t always be on your side, but you gotta know luck only plays a part.

REMEMBER: More often than not you can influence how things pan out. Your attitude counts for a lot. NEVER SAY DIE.

This is my RULE 20: NINETY PER CENT OF SURVIVAL IS ABOUT BELIEVING YOU WILL SURVIVE.

So long as you keep a cool head then you can make it out of there alive. And, if you make it outta there alive, you have a hope of getting your hands on that glass of ice-cold lemonade. So just keep focused on that, or whatever else it is that gives you a reason to live.

NO MATTER HOW HOPELESS YOUR SITUATION SEEMS, no matter how tired you are, the thing you gotta do is focus. When in a desperate situation, think about what it is that makes life worth living.

Simple as that: you have to live because your dog needs walking or Grandma needs a visit.

Your reward: a jelly donut, an episode of your favourite show. All possible so long as you can dig your way out of that avalanche/navigate your way to land/find water/crawl out of that well/outrun that rhinoceros.