Lauren Child - Hang in There Bozo - The Ruby Redfort Emergency Survival Guide for Some Tricky Predicaments

If you think these are like those lame wheelie shoes this kid at my school has then you have no idea what kind of outfit Spectrum is.

Depress red button on base of right shoe to activate power jets. Maximum speed ninety-one miles per hour for a distance of seven miles approx. Warning! Can cause feet to overheat. Avoid use on rugged terrain.

I’ve tried these and all I can say is they are pretty darn cool even when they overheat.

THE VOICE THROWER

This works in the same way as any distraction device by throwing your target off course. It is a highly sophisticated version of throwing a stone to divert attention away from you.

Something in the gadget drawer caught Ruby’s eye. It was a silver whistle – looked like a dog whistle but the label was smudged. Maybe it was the ribbon, maybe it was the fact that she had always wanted a silver dog whistle, but Ruby found that she couldn’t resist slipping it over her head and looking at her reflection in the glass.

She blew into it – no sound at all. Surely it wasn’t just a dog whistle? She blew into it again and again, still nothing. In her frustration she started blowing and inhaling in the way that one might suck air in and out of a harmonica.

‘Must be busted,’ said Ruby out loud, but her voice seemed to be coming from far, far away. For a second she was puzzled and then it dawned on her: the whistle was no whistle, it was a voice thrower.

She inhaled again. ‘Hello,’ she said. This time her voice sounded as if it was coming from right behind her. She experimented some more – there were four little holes in the whistle, and whichever one her finger covered determined the direction her voice came from – north, east, south or west of her. Point the whistle up – her voice was thrown above her.

It was precisely at the moment she called out the words, ‘I’m over here!’ that someone else decided to enter the room.

Ruby quickly ducked down behind the cabinets.

‘Did you hear that?’ said a voice she didn’t recognise.

Ruby froze.

Oh boy, now I’m in trouble.

Now you might think to yourself, a voice thrower, so what? Nice party trick, but how can that be a life-saving gadget? Well buster, it sure as heck saved my life. Take this little situation for example…

Nine Lives Capaldi raised the little gun and pointed it at Hitch.

‘Any last words?’ she said.

‘Let me think,’ said Hitch, ‘I’m sure I can come up with something.’

Ruby felt for the dog whistle still around her neck.

Nine Lives took aim. ‘You better think fast.’ Her finger was squeezing the trigger. ‘Too bad I’m gonna mess up that nice suit of yours.’

Ruby brought the whistle to her lips and gently inhaled.

‘All out of thoughts? Well, I guess it’s time to say adios,’ laughed Nine Lives. ‘Look into my eyes – they’ll be the last you see.’

‘Not quite!’ shouted Ruby. Her voice appeared to be coming from just behind Capaldi, who spun round in confusion – just enough time for Hitch to lunge towards her and grab hold of the diamond revolver...

You see what I’m saying? A split second can buy you a lotta time. Time to flee the scene or, failing that, get stuck into one mother of a fight. Either way you gain the advantage and in a survival-type situation the advantage is what you are looking for.

These are a few Spectrum gadgets I keep about my person – depending on the situation of course, but let’s just say you are stuck, for whatever reason, without any of your trusty life-savers, what then?

THIS IS WHERE YOUR IMAGINATION COMES INTO ITS OWN. It’s when you gotta be resourceful. People have been surviving for thousands of years in harsh environments and tricky predicaments and you can too so long as you make the right decisions.

Homo sapiens is the most adaptable species on the planet, which is why we have risen to the top of the heap and messed things up for most other species. However, if we put this failing aside for a second, we can remember that we truly are survivors by design.

We are survivors because we can…

IMPROVISE.

DECIDE TO STAY CALM

Clancy has a tendency to panic when in a possible life-and-death situation, but he has developed a technique to deal with this temporary loss of nerve. It involves a little bit of method acting – in other words, pretending to be someone else: someone braver. It’s not a bad trick if all else fails.

How does it work?

Just pick a person you admire: a superhero, a fictional character, or an expert at whatever it is you happen to be encountering. Darn it, a comedian will do if it helps you to see the funny side – just imagine yourself as someone who might be able to deal with whatever it is you are having to deal with, and sort of become them, inhabit their mind.

This technique can be used in all sorts of situations: when one is public speaking, taking a test or exam, or about to face one’s biggest fear.

‘So Clancy, how did you manage to jump that roof? I thought I had lost you there for sure.’

Ruby was impressed. She was also astonished, and above all she was relieved to see her friend all in one piece. If he hadn’t jumped, it was unlikely that he would have survived at the hands of the deadly Baby Face Marshall, but if he hadn’t jumped far enough, he would have been dead for sure.

‘I just thought to myself, hey, what if I was Ray Max? If I was him, I could jump that roof no trouble.’

Ray Max was a Twinford hero: he was now the best long jumper in the whole state and was no doubt destined to become a world champion. Failure was not in his vocabulary.

Clancy had made it by less than five millimetres: but when jumping a roof, a millimetre or four counts for a lot.

So I’m not saying that pretending to be Ray Max will get you jumping a roof safe and sound, no trouble at all – you could end up splat on the sidewalk, of course you could, but what I am saying is that you are more likely to make that jump if you have the confidence and belief that you will. Belief is a big part of success.

WARNING FROM THE PUBLISHER:

don’t actually jump off a roof.

THINK SIDEWAYS

By thinking sideways what I mean is looking at the problem from a different angle. Sometimes what seems like the natural, obvious or even ONLY solution is not such a great idea. RULE 12: ADJUST YOUR THINKING AND YOUR CHANCES IMPROVE.

Here’s an example:

You break down in the desert; you have little in the way of supplies and no one knows where you are. If you stay put, the question is, will anyone find you? Will you slowly die of thirst? Naturally, you want to start moving, to get back to base, to a safe place – why wouldn’t you buster? But if you’re looking to live, you gotta think again.

Stride off into the desert, and do you even know what direction to head in? Even if you do, how far do you think you’re gonna get in this extreme heat, the blistering sun burning down? A few miles maybe, but what good is that when you need to cover a hundred or so to even be halfway home?

No: think sideways and stay with your vehicle. It’s a shelter from the heat and the cold. It’s also a large object in a vast expanse of nothing. It has much more of a chance of being spotted than you do – you will look like an ant to a passing aircraft. Your chances are greater if you just do nothing.