Frank Portman - King Dork

Analogous to the game called keep-away, the object of which is to take possession of a ball that is held just beyond one’s grasp, or tantalizingly offered only to be tossed to another player at the last moment.

Mamelukes(maym-LUCK-ayce): mounted warriors recruited from slaves, who dominated Egypt for several centuries till they were destroyed by Mehemet Ali Pasha in 1811. And a great fucking band name.

Charles Manson(CHAR-less mon-SOON): the world’s most famous Beatles fan, the ultimate boomer, and the Voice of his Generation.

Mao Tse-tung(Meow TAY-zee-tongue): a Chinese communist revolutionary who managed to thin out the Chinese population considerably, earning him the admiration and gratitude of a small but irritating segment of The Most Annoying Generation. Author of The Little Red Book, about which the best that can be said is: well, at least it’s not a big red book.

George Michael(YORE-gay Mich-elle): there’s lots to say about this guy, perhaps, but the shorts alone are bad enough.

Monty Python(MIN-tee PITH-ee): short for Monty Python’s 340

Flying Circus. A documentary series on everyday life in Great Britain.

Most Annoying Generation, The:see Boomers Motorhead(MELT-er red): the seventh-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

multiple personality disorder(em-py-DEE): a feminine courtship strategy.

The New York Dolls(the NEW-ark DOY-leez): a New York transvestite version of the Rolling Stones. The fifteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

normal(nor-MAL): lacking in taste, compassion, understanding, kindness, and ordinary human decency.

obsequious(ob-see-CUE-ee-us): a fancy-pants way to describe a suck-up.

orgasmic(or-JAZZ-um-ick): of, like, or pertaining to being glad all over.

partner(pard-NAIR): a euphemism for spouse or significant other. When a woman reaches the age where everyone starts to giggle whenever she refers to her “boyfriend,” and if the dude won’t marry her or if she doesn’t think “husband” sounds special enough, and possibly if she wants to preserve ambiguity as to whether or not she is a lesbian, she will usually settle on “partner.” I have no idea why guys use this word, unless it’s because their girlfriends or wives are a little touchy and they’d rather not get into it. This situation could be worse, however, as there are misguided parents out there who, I kid you not, like to introduce each other by saying things like “this is my lover, Don,” which can be quite a bit more nauseating.

PE(pay: as in, you will): “physical education.” I believe the Nazis used to make people dress in gay outfits and play tennis and do exercises in school, too.

Suzy Quatro(SOO-zee cue): hot rock and roll chick devel-341

oped by the same guys who masterminded the Sweet. She was also in this TV show called Happy Days about people in the fifties who had seventies clothes and hairstyles.

The Ramones(duh rah-MOAN-ayz): if you can pull off the juvenile delinquent style when you are in your thirties and beyond, you are doing all right. The eighth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

ramoning(ra-MAWN-in): a form of the verb “to ramone”

(derived from the French ramoner, to scrub out a chimney).

The point of human existence, i.e., sexual intercourse.

roach(rootch): the stubby end of a marijuana cigarette, held in a clip and smoked till it can be smoked no more, after which it is swallowed. This is believed to confer upon the stoner what are thought to be the magical properties of the plant itself, such as leafyness, harmlessness, listlessness, lack of short-term memory and motivation, and a slightly green-ish coloring.

The Rolling Stones(the KID-nee stains): the Star Trek of rock and roll. The thirteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Rosemary’s Baby (ROH-zmer-eeze BABB-ee): scary evil devil people trick a skinny foxy chick into being ramoned by Satan so they can raise the resulting half-human/half-devil baby themselves and take over the world. The best movie ever made.

Samhain(sam-HANE): a Celtic festival marking the summer’s end, which was supposedly the origin of our Halloween. Funny people with capes, medallions, and large rings sometimes go to the park on whatever day they imagine Samhain to have been to do fake ancient rituals, drink wine from a box, and listen to heavy metal music. It’s a fun adventure.

sex(six): an abbreviation for sexual intercourse.

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sexual intercourse(secks-YOU-all IN-ter-co-URS): a pathetic attempt to make ramoning sound less sexy.

Slade(slah-DAY): four English guys who couldn’t spell to save their lives. The sixth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

slans(slawns): aliens who can communicate telepathically; also, earthlings whose superior intuitive powers allow them to dispense with verbal communication at least some of the time. Both face continual extermination attempts by enraged normal people.

The Small Faces(theez MALL FASH-ists): the poor man’s Who. The nineteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

The Smiths(da smurfs): music for when you are sad.

Stalin(sta-LEEN): Russian communist dictator who managed to thin out the Russian and Eastern European population considerably, earning him the admiration and gratitude of a small but irritatingly vocal segment of The Most Annoying Generation. A lot of them are a little embarrassed by this now that he has fallen from favor, an embarrassment they will often celebrate by avoiding the subject, buying a sports car, smoking a joint, or taking out the recycling.

Paul Stanley(pole STAIN-lee): the singer-guitarist of KISS, described, with a straight face, as The Lover in all promo-tional materials. Has set the industry standard for announc-ing songs in a high-pitched squeal at live shows.

The Sweet(the Sweat): maybe they were only the second-greatest rock and roll band of all time, but they made the first-greatest album of all time ( Desolation Boulevard ) and the all-time greatest song in the history of music (“Fox on the Run”).

Thin Lizzy(TEEN LEZ-ie): Ireland’s greatest contribution to Western civilization. The ninth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

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veganism(WEE-gun-izz-im): a religion for people who never feel particularly hungry.

The Velvet Underground(thee VULV-uh TUN-dra): you can tell how badly someone wants to come off as a hipster by how fervently he or she pretends to have been into this group since early childhood. They were my favorite band as a zygote. The tenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Vicodin(vick-OH-dun): medicine to help mothers forget they are mothers.

The Vietnam War(tha VITE-nam wair): for The Most Annoying Generation, the most fascinating and important topic in the world. For everybody else, not. When people from The MAG begin to reminisce about it, it’s a good time to balance your checkbook, catch up on your homework, learn a foreign language, or do the New York Times cross-word puzzle. Don’t worry—they’ll still be talking when you’re done.

wanton(wahn-tahn): sexy, horny, game, chewy, delicious.

weltschmerz(well-cha-MERZ): German for “world-weariness.” This is a reasonable reaction to life on this earth, and it’s great that there’s a word for it, but if you can figure out a way to slip it into ordinary conversation, you’re a better man than I.