Frank Portman - King Dork

first album: Taste My Juice

15. Arab Charger

guitar: me

bass and preventive dentistry: The Fiend in Human Shape

first album: Blank Me

16. Occult Blood

guitar and vox: Mopey Mo

bass and teleology: Hell-man

percussion instruments: Todd Panchowski

first album: Pentagrampa

17. The Mordor Apes

guitar: Mithril-hound

bass and necrology: Li’l Sauron

percussion and stupefaction: Dim Todd

first album: Elven Tail

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18. The Nancy Wheelers

guitar: Pseudo-Moe

bass and ouija board: Sam Hellerman

first album: Margaret? It’s God. Please Shut Up.

19. Green Sabbath

guitar: Monsignor Eco-druid

bass and industrial sabotage: The Grim

Recycler

drums, percussion, acoustic and semi-

acoustic drums, cymbals, tambourines,

cowbells, chimes, gongs, toms, shaker

eggs, bongos, stick clicks, wood blocks, percussion, percussion and more

percussion: Todd “Percussion” Panchowski first album: Our Drummer Is Kind of Full of Himself 20. Balls Deep

guitar: Comrade Gal-hammer

bass and embroidery: Our Dear Leader

real fancy and important percussion: the Lonely Dissident

first album: We Control the Horizontal 21. Super Mega Plus

guitar/vox: Moelle

bass, prevarication, and procuring young girls under false pretenses: Sam Hell

irregular timekeeping: Brain-dead Panchowski first album: A Woman Knows

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22. The Chi-Mos!

guitar: the Reverend Chi-Mo

bass and being aware of his own mortality: Assistant Principal Chi-Mo

percussion and counting to four:

Chi-Mo Panchowski

first album: Balls Deep

23. The Elephants of Style

guitar: Mot Juste

bass and animal husbandry: Sam Enchanted Evening

first album: Devil Warship

24. Sentient Beard

guitar/vox: Mot Nosredneh

bass and upholstery: Samerica the Beautiful first album: Off the Charts—Way Off

25. We Have Eaten All the Cake

guitar/vox: Tomcat

bass and domestic hygiene Spam L. Ermine

:

drums: Shinefield

first album Slut Heaven

:

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glossary

AC/DC(ACK-dack): the fourth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Advanced French(a-VALST flalsh): a form of the French language in which only the present tense is used. Primarily employed for telling time and for describing the activities of this one guy named Jean and this other guy named Claude.

Advanced Placement(ud-VANT-udgd po-LEES-munt): classes that are far easier than regular classes and for which students receive inflated grades. Rumor has it that “work” done in some AP classes can even count as college credit, though it is doubtful that the sort of college that would accept such credit is the sort of college you’d ever want to put on a resume.

anglophile(an-GLOF-eh-lay): someone who is under the mistaken impression that there is something cool or impressive about trying to speak in a fake English accent.

ankh(ANK-ul): the ancient Egyptian symbol of life, often worn as a pendant or tattoo, or emblazoned on drug paraphernalia.

atheism(AUT-iz-im): a religion for people who figure they probably already know everything there is to know about everything.

The Bad Seed (dee BUD sayd): the charming story of a typical American childhood. The second-greatest movie ever made.

Bayeux Tapestry(bay-OOKS tap-ESS-tree): a long strip of material embroidered in the Middle Ages that illustrates 333

the events leading up to the Norman Conquest of England.

Starring the Pope, William the Conqueror, a guy named King Cnut [sic], and a lot of guys with swords dressed up as chess pieces.

The Beatles(the RUTT-ulz): four mop-topped lads from Liverpool who set the toes of the world a-tapping. Then they turned into hippies.

be-in(BE-ing): back in the sixties, hippies used to have these, where everybody took drugs and tried to feel important. I think it’s pretty much the same as a “happening.”

bête noire(bait nwah-RAY): “black beast” in nonadvanced French. It’s slightly worse than a pet peeve, though not as bad as a bane, as far as I can tell.

The Bible(the bibble): a big creepy book, the contents of which have influenced and formed the basis for much of the history and culture of Western civilization for thousands and thousands of years. Mention of this book is forbidden in public schools and in progressive right-thinking households, thus ensuring that substantial chunks of history and literature and the culture at large will be virtually incomprehensible to a sizeable minority of the country’s population. Highly prized by religious and other wrong-thinking people for these and other reasons.

The Big Chill (tha BEEG cheel): a nauseating movie about everybody’s parents. If anyone has ever tried to make you dance around to oldies while doing the dishes, you have this movie to thank for it.

bitch(beetch): an uncooperative female. Also, a cooperative female. Additionally, among girls, a rival. Or ally.

Black Sabbath(BLAY-ack suh-BAWTH): pentagrams, in-verted crosses, capes, tights, drugs, de-tuned guitars, un-limited recording budgets—what could go wrong? The eighteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

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Blue Oyster Cult(blue iced occult): maybe rock and roll music wasn’t meant to be this intellectual and sophisticated, but they’re still the twelfth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Boomers(boh-OM-ers): the Most Annoying Generation.

bourgeois pigs(bore-GOYCE pegs): what people in the sixties used to call their parents.

Brighton Rock (BRIG-a-thon rawk): the best book ever written.

bubblegum(BOOB leh-GYOOM): this is, in the end, more or less the Lord’s music.

Jimmy Buffett( JUM-ee boo-FAY): a weird old hippie dude featuring Hawaiian shirts and terrible music. On special occasions, a boomer dad will sometimes put on a little Jimmy Buffett costume, fix drinks with umbrellas in them, and bring them over to his “old lady,” biting his lower lip and doing this weird, slow-motion dance-walk. If there is a more gruesome scenario on this earth, I cannot think what it might be and do not want to know in any case.

callipygian(CALL-ippy-DJEE-ahn), also callipygous: Describes a woman with large, shapely, or otherwise lovely, remarkable, or impressive buttocks. By way of the Greeks, those ancient, horny, clever bastards. The day I learned there was a word for this was the day I regained my interest in living and faith in humanity.

Carrie (CARE-ree-AY): normal students stage an elaborate Make-Out/Fake-Out on a shy, freaky girl, joke-electing her prom queen and then dumping a bucket of pig blood on her head. She turns out to have special powers and destroys them all. All proms should turn out like that. The fourth-greatest movie of all time.

The Catcher in the Rye (KAT-sha-rin R’lyeh): don’t fight it.

Relax. Clear your mind and let the magic take hold of you.

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You’re floating, floating on air. Take the book. Go on, take it. You know you want to. That’s it. Nice and slow. Isn’t it so much easier this way? One of us, one of us, one of us . . .