Sophie Kinsella - I've Got Your Number

I know some brides are all about the music or the flowers or the dress. But I’m all about the vows. For better, for worse … For richer, for poorer … And thereto I plight thee my troth … . All my life, I’ve heard these magical words. At family weddings, in movie scenes, at royal weddings even. The same words, over and over, like poetry handed down through the centuries. And now we’re going to say them to each other. It makes my spine tingle.

“I’m so looking forward to saying our vows,” I can’t help saying, even though I’ve said this to him before, approximately a hundred times.

There was a very short time, just after we’d got engaged, when Magnus seemed to think we’d be getting married in a register office. He’s not exactly religious, nor are his parents. But as soon as I’d explained exactly how much I’d been looking forward to saying the church vows all my life, he backtracked and said he couldn’t think of anything more wonderful.

“I know.” He squeezes my waist. “Me too.”

“You really don’t mind doing the old words?”

“Sweets, I think they’re beautiful.”

“Me too.” I sigh happily. “So romantic.”

Every time I imagine Magnus and myself in front of the altar, hands joined, saying those words to each other in clear, resonant voices, it seems like nothing else matters.

But as we approach the house twenty minutes later, my glow of security starts to ebb away. The Tavishes are definitely back. The whole house is lit up, and I can hear opera blasting out of the windows. I suddenly remember that time Antony asked me what I thought of Tannhauser and I said I didn’t smoke.

Oh God. Why didn’t I do a crash course on opera?

Magnus swings the front door open, then clicks his tongue.

“Damn. Forgot to call Dr. Wheeler. I’ll only be a couple of minutes.”

I don’t believe this. He’s bounding up the stairs, toward the study. He can’t leave me.

“Magnus.” I try not to sound too panicked.

“Just go through! My parents are in the kitchen. Oh, I got you something for our honeymoon. Open it!” He blows me a kiss and disappears round the corner.

There’s a huge beribboned box on the hall ottoman. Wow. I know this shop and it’s expensive. I tug it open, ripping the expensive pale-green tissue paper, to find a gray-and-white-printed Japanese kimono. It’s absolutely stunning and even has a matching camisole.

On impulse, I duck into the little front sitting room, which no one ever uses. I take off my top and cardigan, slip the camisole on, then replace my clothes. It’s slightly too big—but still gorgeous. All silky-smooth and luxurious-feeling.

It is a lovely present. It really is. But, to be honest, what I would prefer right now is Magnus by my side, his hand firmly in mine, giving me moral support. I fold the dressing gown up and stuff it back amid the torn tissue, taking my time.

Still no sign of Magnus. I can’t put this off any longer.

“Magnus?” comes Wanda’s high-pitched, distinctive voice from the kitchen. “Is that you?”

“No, it’s me! Poppy!” My throat is so clenched with nerves, I sound like a stranger.

“Poppy! Come on through!”

Relax. Be myself. Come on.

I grasp the bottle of wine firmly and head into the kitchen, which is warm and smells of Bolognese sauce.

“Hi, how are you?” I say in a nervous rush. “I brought you some wine. I hope you like it. It’s red.”

“Poppy.” Wanda swoops toward me. Her wild hair has been freshly hennaed, and she’s wearing one of her odd, capacious dresses made out of what looks like parachute silk, together with rubber-soled Mary Janes. Her skin is as pale and unadorned as ever, although she’s put on an inaccurate slash of red lipstick. 36Her cheek brushes against mine and I catch a whiff of stale perfume. “The fi-an-cée !” She enunciates the word with care bordering on ridicule. “The betrothed. ”

“The affianced, ” chimes in Antony, rising from his seat at the table. He’s wearing the tweed jacket he wears on the back of his book, and he surveys me with the same off-putting gimlet-eyed smile. The oriole weds his mottled mate; The lily’s bride o’ the bee. Another for your collection, darling?” he adds to Wanda.

“Quite right! I need a pen. Where’s a pen ?” Wanda starts searching among the papers already littering the countertop. “The damage that has been done to the feminist cause by ridiculous, lazy-minded anthropomorphism. Weds his mottled mate. I ask you, Poppy!” She appeals to me, and I give a rictus smile.

I have no idea what they’re talking about. None. Why can’t they just say, “Hello, how are you?” like normal people?

“What’s your view on the cultural response to anthropomorphism? From a young woman’s perspective?”

My stomach jumps as I realize Antony is looking my way. Oh my holy aunt. Is he talking to me?

Anthro-what?

I feel like if only he would write down his questions and give them to me with five minutes to look over (and maybe a dictionary), I’d have half a chance to come up with something intelligent. I mean, I did go to university. I have written essays with long words in them and a thesis. 37My English teacher even once said I had a “questing mind.” 38

But I don’t have five minutes. He’s waiting for me to speak. And there’s something about his bright gaze that turns my tongue to dust.

“Well … um … I think it’s … it’s … an interesting debate,” I say feebly. “Very crucial in this day and age. So, how was your flight?” I add quickly. Maybe we can get on to movies or something.

“Unspeakable.” Wanda looks up from where she’s scribbling. “ Why do people fly? Why? ”

I’m not sure if she’s expecting an answer or not.

“Um … for holidays and stuff—”

“I’ve already started making notes for a paper on the subject,” Wanda interrupts me. “ ‘The Migration Impulse.’ Why do humans feel compelled to pitch themselves across the globe? Are we following the ancient migratory paths of our ancestors?”

“Have you read Burroughs?” Antony says to her, with interest. “ Not the book; the PhD thesis.”

No one’s even offered me a drink yet. Quietly, trying to blend in with the background, I creep into the kitchen area and pour myself a glass of wine. I’ve tuned out the conversation about migration. But suddenly Wanda addresses me directly.

“I gather Magnus gave you his grandmother’s emerald ring?”

I jump in panic. We’re onto the ring already. Is there an edge to Wanda’s voice or did I make that up? Does she know ?

“Yes! It’s … it’s beautiful.” My hands are trembling so much, I nearly spill my wine.

Wanda says nothing, just glances at Antony and raises her eyebrows meaningfully.

What was that for? Why an eyebrow raise? What are they thinking? Shit, shit, they’ll ask to see the ring, it’s all going to implode.

“It’s … it’s difficult to wear a ring with a burned hand,” I blurt out desperately.

There. It wasn’t a lie. Exactly.

“Burned?” Wanda swings round and takes in my bandaged hand. “My dear girl! You must see Paul.”

“Paul.” Antony nods. “Certainly. Ring him, Wanda.”

“Our neighbor,” she explains. “Dermatologist. The best.” She’s already on the phone, winding the old-fashioned curly cord around her wrist. “He’s only across the street.”

Across the street?

I’m paralyzed with horror. How have things gone so wrong so quickly? I have a vision of some brisk man with a doctor’s bag coming into the kitchen and saying, “Let’s have a look,’ and everyone crowding round to see as I take off my bandages.