Ha Jin - A Free Life

On their way to the Gold Wok the next morning Pingping brought up to Nan the subject of attending church. It was mizzling, and all trees and houses blurred. She and Nan shared a large candy-striped umbrella. She was shivering a little from the damp wind. Nan wrapped an arm around her shoulders to give her some body warmth. He said, "We mustn't be lighthearted about this matter. If we go to church, we ought to believe in God. A church is a place for worship."

"If you don't ever attend the service, how can you understand Christianity?"

"At this point of my life, I don't feel like joining any religious group. I want to be independent. Also, I can take poetry as my religion if I need one. If you want to go to church, feel free to do that."

"Why can't we be more flexible? As a matter of fact, we may get some business from Niyan's parish." Lately Pingping had noticed some customers greeting the waitress like a friend. Niyan told her that they belonged to her congregation in Lawrenceville.

"No, the church is a sacred place, a house of God," Nan said. "If I'm not a Christian, I won't feel comfortable there."

A few days ago he had said similar words to a craggy-faced black seminarian who had come to their home to read a few passages from the New Testament.

Pingping said no more, knowing she couldn't bring him around. Besides, she agreed with him in a way. It was better to be yourself. Here nobody could really help you, and only you could save yourself. In addition, she didn't want to be a fake, as she had tried to be back in China, where people had to lie to get things done and to keep themselves from danger. When she had come to the States six and a half years before, she hadn't been able to speak comfortably for months because she didn't know how to talk without lying. As a result, she would remain taciturn most of the time. It took more than half a year for her to get used to speaking her mind. Now she wanted to live and act honestly, just as Nan insisted.

PINGPING told Nan that the adoption agent had mailed Janet and Dave the photographs of two girl babies and asked them to choose one. Obviously Ruhua, the agent, had meant to do the Mitchells a favor, but this threw them into a terrible dilemma. How could they keep one child while abandoning the other? Janet called Ruhua and implored her to let them have both children, who would make perfect sisters, but the agent disallowed her appeal, saying all the paperwork had been filed for only one baby and it would be too difficult to restart the whole thing, and besides, there were many people desperate to adopt. The Mitchells were distressed and wanted to discuss the matter with the Wus that very day. Since the restaurant wasn't a suitable place for such a conversation, Pingping told Janet to come to their house around ten-thirty p.m.

Both Nan and Pingping were exhausted when they arrived home. Taotao was at his computer, playing the game Mortal Kombat. "Turn it off," his mother told him. "Time for bed."

"Let me finish this round, all right?"

"Remember to brush your teeth."

As soon as Nan had taken a shower, the Mitchells came. They showed the Wus the photos and wanted them to suggest which one of the babies they should keep. Dave lounged on the sofa and looked upset, now and then letting out a feeble sigh. He asked for coffee since he and his wife would have to stay up late to make the decision. Nan put a kettle on the stove.

"What kinda daughter you have in your mind, Janet?" asked Pingping.

"I don't know."

"How about you, Dave?"

"Both of them look good to me. God, I've never felt it so heart-wrenching to decide on something." He was obviously in pain, and his deep-set eyes dimmed.

"It's my fault," Pingping said. "I shouldn't ask Ruhua to do you special favor."

"No," Janet put in. "We appreciate your help, Pingping. But now we're stuck with this two-baby problem. What should we do? Help us decide."

Nan dropped a bit of hazelnut extract into each cup of the instant coffee he made for the Mitchells, and then joined Pingping in observing the photos. The babies looked quite similar, with little cute noses and almond eyes, though one's face was broader than the other's. Nan sighed, "Zis is beyond me. I don't know what to say. How could I tell which of zem will turn out to be a better daughter for you?"

"That's not really our concern," Dave said, putting down his cup on a straw coaster on the coffee table. "Our main problem is that it will be hard for us to handle the guilt. The two girls are in different orphanages. If the one we leave behind is adopted by a good family, that will be okay with me. But what if she ends up in a bad family or remains an orphan?"

"Yes, that's the hardest part," Janet agreed.

Nan was amazed. Then to the Wus' astonishment, Dave broke into sobs, wiping his lumpy face with a tissue. "I'm sorry. It's too painful to choose."

Both Nan and Pingping were touched. Nan knew the Mitchells often went to church on Sunday mornings. Probably it was their Christian faith that had instilled in them the sense of guilt and enabled them to commiserate with the babies more than they-the Wus-could. Nan had never thought about the fate of the child the Mitchells would have to give up. He surmised that the Mitchells' minds must have another dimension that was absent from his.

Pingping said, "Think this way, Janet. When you saw the photos, which one of them you suddenly feel grab your heart?"

"This one." Janet lifted the one with a wider face from the coffee table. "I felt a jolt at the sight of her."

"How about you, Dave?" Pingping asked. "To me, it was the other one."

"Heavens, no way we can help you!" Pingping raised her hand in defeat.

Nan stepped in, "I feel you two have to do some soul-searching and figure out a solution by yourselves. When will you let zee agent know your decision?"

"Tomorrow afternoon," replied Janet.

"Sorry," Nan said. "We reelly can't help you, not because we don't want to share zer guilt. If only there were more information. On zee other hand, even if we had enough information, you would still feel guilty if you adawpt just one of zem, right?"

"I guess so," said Dave.

Despite the impasse, the Mitchells stayed late into the night, talking about their plan to travel to China and bring back their daughter. Not until twelve-thirty did they take their leave.

TWO DAYS LATER, Janet told the Wus that Dave had gone with her choice of the baby with the wider face, since it was she who had first thought of adoption. They had gotten more information on the child and were going to contact the INS to apply for a green card for her. From now on they must wait patiently for the time they could go to Nanjing and pick up their baby. They were sort of surprised that the process wasn't as intimidating and tedious as they had thought.

For days, Nan, moved by Dave's sobbing of the other night, had been pondering the Mitchells' sense of guilt, which made him change his mind about going to church. He began to think that any religion might improve humanity, at least be able to make people more compassionate and more humble. So he decided to visit the Chinese Christian Church in Duluth, a nearby town to the north, just to see if he liked it. Pingping planned to go with him, but on Sunday morning she felt under the weather, having sore shoulders, and stayed home. Before Nan set out, he gave her a back massage, which eased her pain considerably.

The church was in a modern stuccoed building sitting atop a gentle rise planted with cypress saplings. It was a hot day, and the heat was rising from the newly paved parking lot, flickering like purple smoke. As Nan entered the church, some people were standing around exchanging pleasantries in the foyer, which resembled the lobby of a hotel or theater. He saw a few familiar faces, but didn't know anyone except the woman who had once come to the Gold Wok to solicit donations for flood victims. He remembered her name, Mei Hong, and was sure she recognized him; yet for some reason she turned away after giving him a once-over. Nan went into the nave, sat down in a back pew, and picked up a hymnal. Hundreds of people were already sitting in there, and on the wide chancel platform were seated two men wearing dark blue suits and crimson neckties, both bespectacled. A potbellied vase holding a large mixed bouquet stood on the floor, in front of the lectern.