Sergio De La Pava - Personae

CLARISSA: Give me the gun then.

LINDA: No, as a neutral party I should have the gun.

ADAM: Neutral?

NESTOR: Party?

CLARISSA: Unless everyone’s comfortable with the only gun being in the hands of a self-avowed nihilist.

NESTOR: Did you say realist?

( The Drumming resumes, slightly louder still, and in response the four again grow briefly silent .)

ADAM: Hear that? Maybe Clarissa’s right. Maybe the drums are harmless and are coming only to keep time to symphonic delights. But right now we are far less likely to regret adopting Nestor’s view. We need to arm ourselves and expect the worst.

NESTOR: Expecting the worst is the armament.

ADAM: I was thinking of more traditional weaponry but thanks. There are some thick branches nearby that can be shaved into spears. Linda and I will go gather…

LINDA: No.

ADAM: No what?

LINDA: No I’m not going anywhere.

NESTOR: Oh will you look at this Clarissa? Looks like you and I aren’t the only couple on the rocks.

ADAM: Linda a good idea transcends any interpersonal difficulties we might be having and I expect you to recognize one when you hear it.

NESTOR: A good idea he says.

CLARISSA: Do we need to remind you what happened the last time somebody left?

ADAM: Doesn’t mean it will happen again.

NESTOR: That’s true Clarissa. Besides, suicide is a legitimate option, cowardly but legitimate nevertheless.

ADAM: Suicide? I’m curious how you think this all-out warfare you counsel is going to occur if we don’t leave this room?

NESTOR: Is that your concern? Don’t let it be. The anger of epochal conflict is coming to us, right here, whether we’d have it or not.

( Drums sound again, louder. )

See?

ADAM: Let me be frank Nestor.

NESTOR: No problem Frank.

ADAM: But being that you have our only gun you are in a wholly different position than the rest of us.

NESTOR: I’m upright like the rest of you.

LINDA: And don’t think we’re unaware of the rule that says that thing has to go off soon either.

NESTOR: Rules, conventions, norms! I feel such great envy right now. I fervently wish I had your collective astigmatism. Could see only the minutiae as the cosmic nears.

LINDA: Please, refract for us that we might clearly see your wisdom.

NESTOR: I fear that it is fear itself that approaches and what is occurring in this room presently is remotely causing it to grow more monstrous. Search inside yourselves and ask if you haven’t contributed your share.

CLARISSA: I fear then only that I’ve been a bad citizen of this body politic. For I have not contributed my just share. Because perhaps you’ll call it mere semantics but I give nothing that forms inside me the name Fear.

NESTOR: I didn’t intend to insult, only to forewarn and enlighten.

ADAM: Well I feel lighter already so I’m going to go now and get those spears, the heavier the better that I might acquire some density.

LINDA: It is a dense move.

ADAM: I trust then you’re not coming?

( Linda sits, looks down, puts her face in her hands. )

CLARISSA: No one should go anywhere alone. No one should be alone. Ever really but especially not now… here.

ADAM: I won’t be alone.

LINDA: I’m not going.

ADAM: I understand.

NESTOR: Meaning that unless Clarissa is going to deposit her money where her mouth resides you will be alone.

ADAM: She won’t, but still I won’t be alone.

CLARISSA: If no one goes with you, Adam, you will not only be alone you will most likely die alone. Understand?

ADAM: I don’t expect any of you to understand; well there was a time I would’ve expected Linda… but never mind all that.

NESTOR: Understand what ?

ADAM: That even when I’m the only person in motion I don’t feel alone.

LINDA: Stop Adam.

NESTOR: No our ears cry out for more! Explain.

ADAM: There’s more exists, Nestor, than that which feeds eyes or ears.

NESTOR: Is that so?

( looks at others mirthfully )

ADAM: And it’s that presence will protect me as I venture out.

NESTOR: I see. I think that’s what Charles thought just before he lost his head.

ADAM: Since the Evil that did that undoubtedly exists there has to be a countervailing Good.

CLARISSA: Adam don’t go out there relying on that.

LINDA: Yes, she’s right, if you have to go then go but not propelled by that belief. That somehow makes it worse.

ADAM: It’s that belief that’s sustained us since time immemorial.

NESTOR: I see. He’s right then. He’s not going alone. Superstition’s going with him. Of course, superstition’s got a perfect record in these matters. In exultant victory we pause to credit her but in abject defeat we either ignore her or wonder how we failed to live up to her unknowable mandates. Either way those prone to belief never doubt her grace and power. Nice work if you can get it.

ADAM: I’m not relying on superstition.

NESTOR: Oh I know you don’t think you are, I’m just seeking to put a more accurate gloss on things.

CLARISSA: I wonder, Nestor, what we have to do to get you to go?

LINDA: Not with Adam but in his stead.

NESTOR: Ladies, please. Such murderous thoughts.

( Drums resume )

Although I suppose they’re fitting.

ADAM: Well this has been great fun but I suspect that whatever’s coming will not pause for us to debate. And it won’t be spoken to, words will fall harmlessly aside. Now the pointed ends of spears? That might be a different matter so I’m going. And please don’t misinterpret. That statement is not intended as a solicitation of company or advice and definitely not of permission. Treat it for what it is, a mere courtesy borne out of affection which is itself most likely a product of mere presence.

LINDA: I’m coming with you.

ADAM: No.

LINDA: My place is by your side, alienated affections or not.

ADAM: No, I have to do this alone.

( He nears the exit. )

I won’t say goodbye because I am definitely returning.

Goodbye.

( He leaves, the three are silent .)

NESTOR: Let the record reflect that he did not go at anything remotely resembling my urging and if anything I could be said to have counseled against it.

( silence )

Truth is I didn’t think he had it in him or maybe I thought it was in him but never thought it would come out. I didn’t think it would come to term and he would give birth to it is what I’m saying. At most I thought a stillborn-type of…

LINDA: Enough! Please.

( Nestor takes the hint without offense and terminates the thread. He wanders away and begins a safety inspection, examining his gun and the sandbags until finally resting on what appears to be a telescope of sorts that affords him distant views. Clarissa approaches Linda and places her hand on her shoulder .)

CLARISSA: It’s not impossible he’ll return.

LINDA: That the best you could muster?

CLARISSA: ( laughs morbidly )

What do you think’ll happen?

LINDA: Don’t really care much anymore Clarissa. It’s what’s already happened haunts me. And the real tragedy is things never unhappen, know what I mean?

CLARISSA: Think so, yeah.

LINDA: We go through here once if at all and this is what I leave? Thought you could pick a moment in time and become a different person from that point forward. I don’t know what exactly I thought that would accomplish, but it seemed it might somehow render what happened before that moment prefatory in a way and therefore less relevant.

What I found of course is that the person attempting that is the same person from the preface. If it weren’t there’d be none of the hurt and no reason for the attempt in the first place. Link yourself to someone all you want. Yes, it will of necessity make you more selfless but it will not change who you are and even if it did it will not change what you’ve done. If what I’ve done will always remain, if I can’t undo what I’ve done, then I don’t want to do anymore.