James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

No sir.

You have no books?

I forgot them sir.

You firgoat them.

Yes sir.

He dropped the delivery sacks on the floor. I reached to get them. Leave them there, he said.

I need them sir.

Leave them there.

But I need them sir.

I said leave them there.

It is my job after school.

I know what it is.

Well I need them. I just need them.

I did not say sir and he heard. I did not care. So it was the belt, who cared about the belt. And if people were watching. So what. That was them, they could just do it, whatever, I did not care. No about any of them, no in that class. I did not care about any of them. And the teacher, what he was saying, Leave them there.

Aw fuck him man, silly cunt. It was Freddy the driver talking. I just reached to get the sacks.

Smith, I have said, leave them.

They are my delivery sacks sir and I need them for my job.

Leave them until later, he said and he turned and walked back to his desk.

So I knew. I was just to leave the sacks there for a wee minute, one wee minute, that was all. Then I bent down and folded them up. I done it quiet, and shoved them back into my school bag. The teacher did not look at me doing it. Other ones in the class were not looking, but some were, I just felt good.

***

I went up a close and it was just something, like a special close, it was no children, and the people were quite old. They put a carpet there on the top landing and flower pots too. It was quiet and I sat on the step on the window landing and just had a rest or else a smoke if Mitch was not there. People did not go up much. If ye were wee ye would think it was a hideout. I saw it the best close in the whole street. That was what it was for me. But then it was, what it was, it was just where it was private because it was just, it was the place, well that was where I just sometimes wanked. And if anybody ever found out, ye could not think about it. I did not tell myself, and stopped myself thinking about it. The only thing sometimes was if it was God, just if it could be. I did not care for myself, if it was about myself, except maybe if God was waiting for me and saw me, people are wandering in the darkness unto the light, even if He was waiting for me for the Confession maybe how Protestants done it. Oh Father, I have sinned and been bad and swearing, just how ye done it in yer prayers. Prayers was talking to God, so that was a Confession, I Confess to you Heavenly Father.

Then ye could tell yer worst secrets. The worst stuff. People said wanking but maybe there was worse. And if ye did not tell Him that was you with a bigger Sin. If ye kept the bad stuff a secret it would all just pile up. Sins and evil deeds. If wanking was an evil deed. I tried to stop it, and no thinking about somebody if I was, I tried no to, but it all just came in my head and did not matter if it came on me, it would not go out my head. It started closes before that one and I started going faster or else if I went slower when I got nearer. I did not feel good about it and after I did it I felt bad. Then walking up the road if ye met somebody, maybe a woman customer and she said, Hullo, ye felt horrible and if it was somebody else like the paperboy, that was the worst, ye were just something what it was, people to laugh at ye.

Mitch did not come much and if he did I was nearly finished so he could not do much work. He always came on Fridays and for collecting money. So he got half the tips. I did not tell Freddy the driver and the paperboy. They would have looked. Oh you are daft. But it was Mitch's job and I just done it. After we paid the money into the boss we split the wages and Mitch got his. Maybe he did not like it because he did not do much. If it was me and I could not do it then he would have gave me it. It was not my job it was his. I was going to say to the boss about getting one for myself so to get the real wage but if I did Mitch could not do his.

I still liked the job, how it gave ye the money and ye did not need nothing off people. What could they say. Nothing. It was not their money it was yours. Ye worked for it, so there was nothing they could say, even yer maw and da. If things went right and ye got good tips then that was you. I made more tips than Mitch. I did not tell him. He asked me, Oh what did you make?

Oh it was good. I just said that. I did not tell him the exact amount. People gave ye more because if they knew ye from giving their deliveries. When they saw Mitch for the money, some did not hardly know him. He thought the third last close was the worst because of the old alsatian sentry dog but I did not care and it was only two more closes to go. The paperboy hated it but he had to go for a customer on the first storey. But he was in and away before me.

The worst dog in the street was not the old alsatian sentry it was a mongrel terrier. It was a mental case. People wished it would get run over. It did a circle dance round ye so ye could not walk, jumping up at ye and barking and shagging yer leg, and even if it was trying to bite at yer bolls. Ye had to pat it hard to get it off ye. I slapped it. I hoped somebody would pass so it would forget me and rush after them. People did not like it and wee weans were scared when it came. It was just nuts. Mitch said that, That dog is fucking nuts. He hated it and did not go near it and just watched when I clapped it. I telled him no to worry, it would not bite ye, except maybe if it gave ye a wee nip by mistake.

The paperboy said, Oh it is just a fucking pest. He did not like dogs either. They jumped up at him when he pushed the papers through people's letterboxes.

But it was me it came to. I saw that. How come? I felt sorry for it and just clapped it. So it was me. If it saw me or got my scent. The dog did not mean any harm, it was just the way it was. So if it was a pest. There were a lot of pests. People were pests. At school it was everybody, nearly everybody. Ye got on the train in the morning, it was like a journey into a horrible dream, ye saw these pictures about other planets. Maybe there was nothing there except a cold landscape, all stones and desert and a dark sky or else scarlet red and brown. Everybody's breath comes out like steam, they are waiting for the train and it is freezing cold. And what will happen what will happen maybe if ye could just disappear for ever and wake up on a sunny beach and just go in for a swim and the water is just clean and light so ye can see all the fish and the coral reefs. Then if ye did come back it is a year later and it would all be over or if ye are standing there, a year just flashed by like a second and ye are shivering away and cannot stop and then the train is crowded full, all people going to school or their work and everybody is there all pushing to get onto the platform, maybe a woman with a pram and a wee baby inside, and she cannot get the pram up onto the step, the wee baby looking about, eyes popping and everybody all crushing and ye get carried this way or that, yer school bag getting twisted, and what will happen, maybe the Fates are going to do something like from history in the ancient days there was all Gods watching ye puny beings, all laughing to see ye falling about, then sticking stuff in yer road so ye might trip up or even setting down a wild beast, ye turn a corner and out jumps a crocodile, so that is yer Fate unless ye can do something about it, if ye have a knife in yer belt then ye can kill it, plunge it down between its shoulders. Ye jump on top of its back and plunge it right in between its shoulders. Ye have to do it and ye cannot miss because ye only get the one chance and if ye do not take it that is you. Because that is yer Fate, that is what lies in store for ye and ye have to deal with it, nobody else will. Who else is there. Even if there are big sentry lions sitting at the gates and if ye want to get through ye have to pass them, huge big lions, a pack of them, or else a dragon from history guarding the temples, so ye have to pass through, and just keep walking, do not stop, do not stop, the dragons are watching ye, do not stop, do not stop. This is yer Fate and ye have to go through the gate, even if the dragons are there, because if ye stop ye will never get through.