James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

I stared at the doormat when I went to her house. So if I started getting a stiffy going up the stair or coming to her close, no even thinking about it it would be twinges down below and ye were having to stop it. But it would not go away. I stood down at the landing window to think about stuff and take my mind away because if it was a wank, ye could not do it but just thinking it and it would not go down, just staring out the backcourt window, seeing all the stuff and no thinking about a single thing, if ye could, seeing the back walls and the easy climbs, just the same as mine with ronepipes and verandas and if ye could get onto a roof how ye could run along it. I would love to do that. And go right round the block, if the building came to the corner and went round to the next street so it was a corner building, I would like to go on that roof too. Just thinking about that and how it would be and even oh but if she was there again, just a complete darling, people called her that, a complete darling, and her bare feet too, she went in her bare feet, she just came down the lobby in her bare feet and when ye asked her for the delivery money she just went to get it and smiled at ye, that was what she done, it was just a real smile, she did not speak.

I stood looking out the window for ages till I forgot about it, whatever I would think, anything. Then I was at her door and ringing her bell, wondering how things were, if I had made much tips and if I was getting my customers in or were they out so ye did not get paid and would have to come back later, maybe over the weekend or else what, just whatever till then she came to the door and I was just complete red and the stiffy back and just total it was just oh red, red red red, complete blushing. Then she went for her maw's purse and how she walked, how her pyjama bottoms were like they were stuck to her bum and it went side to side side to side, oh she was just a complete darling, ye wanted to just maybe whatever, what it was, whatever it was, ye could not if ye imagined it, even just if ye touched her.

People said that how if ye had a theme for a wank. Give me a theme. They just shouted. Maybe if ye were playing football and one shouted, Oh there is a theme, and ye looked and it was a lassie walking by.

Because that happened a lot in the Sunday games, a lassie walked by and she was a complete darling. Oh she is a theme man look at her! And everybody all stopped playing to go and see her. Oh would ye shag that! Oh what a darling. Look at the fucking tits on that!

If it was Carolyn but, imagine it was, it would just be horrible and I would have hated it. But how would ye get them to shut up? Ye could not, it was Gerry Henderson and McLennan, Gary McNab's brother, all the big ones, they would just look at ye, Listen to wee Smiddy.

Because ye were weer than them. But they were older, that was how they were bigger. I was no wee for my age, just normal. Only my nose and my hair, there was a stupid thing with my hair how a bit would not stay down, I patted water on it but it just dried and stood up, then red faces, ye got sick of it, even somebody telling a joke, if it was a dirty one, it just came on and I had to bend down to tie my shoelaces. Oh look at him man he has got a fucking riddy!

How come ye have got a riddy? People said that.

I did not know. But it was no just me. I did not care. I just hated it. Then if it was Carolyn Smart. Oh he is a wee boy, he has a red face. But she would not think that. Ye could even see it the way she smiled.

On Fridays ye lit a fag if it was a house where lasses stayed and ye kept it in yer mouth, saying how much the customer owed. If they paid with a big note and ye needed a lot of change, ye looked through all yer coins. If a woman came she could be wearing something like a dressing gown and have a smell about her, just a different one and a kind of warm thing about her that was a wee bit like another smell except it was not. They did not really notice ye or else gave ye a look if they did not like ye smoking up their close. Go and smoke up somebody else's close.

Older lasses too, they maybe looked at ye but no hardly noticing then if it was their wee brother came with the money, they just sent him, so they did not care about ye if ye were there. But no if it was Carolyn. She came to the door in her bare feet, just right down the lobby, then her pyjama bottoms and just how she walked, just if she was walking, and did not speak to me. I told the paperboy. She went to his school. He said he did not fancy her but I think he did. It did not bother me. But I liked how if she did not speak to ye, she just smiled, she did not speak, she just smiled at ye, so if it was me at the door, she always smiled at me, she did, I fucking saw it how she did, she just smiled at me.

Oh do not be fucking stupid, he said, she does not fancy you, she gets any cunt she wants. Boys in 5th year. She is in 3rd year, she does not want you, you are no even thirteen.

So? I nearly am.

Aye but you are no the now.

But I soon will be. Then next year fourteen. Then fifteen.

She will be fucking seventeen.

I do not care.

Aye but she does, do not be so daft. You are just a fucking wee boy to her.

Am I fuck.

Aye ye are.

So?

So nothing.

I started laughing.

What ye laughing for?

I am just laughing.

I did not care what he said. People were younger than people. Everybody is not the same age. That was just stupid. What class was she in anyway. I asked him, a high one like 3A or 3B or if it was 3G or whatever. The paperboy did not know. He did not even know. Oh but she is in the netball team, he said, she is good at sport.

As soon as he said it I knew, I knew, I knew she was, of course she was, good at sports, of course she was, just of course, of course.

What are ye laughing for? he said.

Just because I knew, I fucking knew That was the kind of lassie she was ye could just actually see it. That was her, it was just obvious. PE and games like netball and all gymnastics, that was her, swimming too, I bet ye she was just a great swimmer then if it was running races, ye could see her, just how lasses done it, no bothering about people, if boys were watching, she would still do it and just be running. Even how she stood at the front door, if I was getting the money for the deliveries, ye could tell just how she stood. Maybe she dived in if she went to the baths. A lot of lasses did not dive in because of their hair but I thought she would, she would not worry about that, just her hair, that was just stupid, she would just be a girl that dived right in, maybe off the dale. I had never seen a girl dive in off the dale. Maybe one had. Maybe Carolyn. But she would not go to any swimming baths, just her own one, and it would be a club where people had galas and races where yer maw paid for ye. I could join too, if I saved up and paid then I could just go, just myself. Then if she was there, maybe she would be. So I would see her. Nobody could stop ye going, unless it was a club for Catholics. Oh are you a Catholic, say yer Mass, then ye would have to say it. Well I would, I would just try it, and she would know who I was, if she saw me, because it was me done her deliveries, Oh that is the delivery boy. She would just see me and know it was me, she would.

What are ye laughing for? said the paperboy.

Oh just because. It is fucking funny.

What is?

Nothing.

The paperboy was looking at me. He did not know why. Just because. But it was funny, because thinking about her and just how she was I thought if I was going to marry her. That was what I felt, it was just how then I felt it, if I was. So I was laughing, that was how, because if I was going to marry her, maybe I was, I was just going to marry her. Oh I am going to marry her, I said.