James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

What! Fucking grow up you.

No but I am.

She will never marry you, do not be fucking stupid.

His eyes were not moving when he said it, just how he was looking straight at me, just straight at me, and I thought I would burst out greeting. I felt in my chest or in my throat something and I had to gulp and gulp. I was going to say something back but could not because of gulping, I could not. I thought he liked me. I thought he did. But he did not, he did not at all. He was looking at me that way and I needed to get away He hated me. He was never pals with me. Never. He just never was. How come I thought he was he never was.

She is older than you, he said, lasses will no marry a man if she is older.

Lies. Lies. I knew it was lies just rotten lies. I knew it was, how could he just tell lies like that. Just lies, I knew it. Lies lies lies and I knew it was lies and I did not look at him. Because I did not want to. Because what it was, I knew what it was. I just knew.

Lasses have to be younger, he said.

It is no that, you are just a fucking lying bastard, I said, fucking cheating fucking bastard because I know what it is, how come ye are saying it, just cause I am a Protestant, how ye do not take me to the cards either, it is because I am a Protestant. Nothing else. It just was not anything. Because I was a Proddy. It was nothing about nothing except I was a Proddy. It was not with her being older but she was a Catholic. So if the Priests would not let her. Else her maw and da if they did not like Protestants. Some did not talk to ye. So if that was her family. Oh do not marry him, do not let her marry him. That happened if ye married a RC, they got against ye.

It was okay for lasses but no boys. Lasses married Catholics but no many boys. If the Proddy lassie married one, he could not turn, no if he was a Pape. Papes could not turn. Never. The Priests did not let them. Because they wanted the baby. The babies had to go to Chapel and be Catholics. What happened to the baby, the Priest came and took it away and put it into an Orphanage with all Nuns.

No unless ye turned from a Proddy. It was okay then. People turned. Usually lasses. They went to the Chapel and got Instruction and that was all the stuff ye had to do. It was wee exams they had to pass. The Priests went their teachers and done it to them so then they turned Catholics. Except if they failed. Then the Priests did not let them, so if they said no then the lassie could not. So the boy's maw and da would not let him marry her. So he would have to run away They would all be against him. So it would just be his girlfriend, that would be him. He would not want everybody else, just her. What would he want them for? It was her, if he loved her. And he would, that would be what it was. Just true love, that was it, ye met the lassie and she was the one for you. My grannie said that, You will meet the right one son, do not worry.

So ye would just pack yer stuff and away ye go at the dead of midnight, waiting till everybody was asleep and creeping down the stairs. Ye would need yer stuff all packed and ready. Then round to get her. If it was me, I would not care about creeping down the stairs. I would just run down, I would just clatter. I would not care. My da would never catch me. It would be too late. He would still be in bed so he heard the door banging — I would just slam it — but I would be away, so he would have to get dressed, putting on his shoes. By that time he would never catch me. He would not know where to run to. Because he would not know the lassie! Oh who is she?

He would not know because I would never tell him or my maw. My maw would have wanted to know but I would never have telled her either. She would try to find out. I would tell the boys no to tell her. Maybe they would not know Maybe I would no tell anybody, if it was my brother or who? Nobody. Only Mitch but he was not there so nobody nobody nobody. Except maybe my grannie. No. Not even her. I liked my grannie but I would not tell her.

Maybe I would. No if my Uncle Billy was home. He had a pal married a RC and what happened, when his back was turned, away she went to the Chapel, even taking his weans. Everybody knew except him. They kidded on they did not know but they all did. Then too it was in her Will. That was Uncle Billy said, his pal found out the truth, when she passed away it was the Chapel was getting her. The Priests were going to snatch away the coffin and bury her at a High Mass. Uncle Billy's pal was in the Lodge. Now he was going to have to go to Chapel. He did not know he would. But all other people knew. Even in the Lodge. They just had pity for him. Oh they pity him, said Uncle Billy.

He would have to kneel down, Bless me Father, I confess Father, I am a sinner Father.

Even if it is an old man and the Priest is a young one, the old man has to call the young one Father, Sorry Father and then confess all his sins.

And what would the Priest be doing? Maybe he was just laughing. Oh what is this old man saying! He is just an old codger.

So just laughing at an old man. Imagine a Priest done that. But I could not imagine it. Priests were like Ministers except Catholics, it was just what ye were, some were Priests and some were Ministers, it was just religion and what ye were. I fucking hated it. The paperboy too. People were boasters and he was one. I did not care about what he was meaning, Proddies and RCs, I didnay fucking care about them.

I said it to him another time and we were walking home and just stopped for a smoke. I was talking because he did not. He did not talk first, just waited for me to say something then he came in, Oh that is fucking wrong man do not say that, that is pure fucking shite.

Well you say something.

Fuck off.

You do not say nothing, it is just me, then ye just come in and say it is fucking shite, well you say something.

Fuck off.

But he did not say stuff so I could listen. It was just me. That was the same with my brother. It was always me talking, he never said nothing till I did then he just came in, Oh do not talk such rubbish, that is just rubbish.

The paperboy was like Matt. I said it, You are like my fucking brother.

What ye fucking talking about? I am no like yer fucking brother.

Aye ye are.

Fuck off.

I did not talk to him about Carolyn Smart. Never ever. I just wished it was Mitch because then, because Mitch was a real pal.

The paperboy said stuff. All people did. They said stuff and it was just boasting. And me too, I fucking done it and it was just total horrible shite, just horrible horrible shite and boasting rotten rubbish. I spoke about Carolyn Smart to Sabby and McEwan heard. I said about Carolyn Smart and it was all just stupid nonsense and how come I said it, it was just the worst boasting and me doing it, just complete stupid nonsense about truth, dare or promise, and there was never any truth, dare or promise it was all just horrible boasting shite how I was to feel her tit and she had to let ye if it was truth, dare or promise, that was it if ye were playing, a lassie had to let ye do it, and McEwan was there listening too and I showed Sabby how with my hand, just for a squeeze, yer hand was just gripping over and ye just squeezed her tit. But then when I done it McEwan said, Oh for fuck sake, and went away, and Sabby just laughed and went away after him. I would never ever do that again. Never ever. Never.

***

If it was yer Fate to go to Hell how did ye know? Maybe it came into yer head, God put it there. He said yer Fate so ye knew it without thinking. It was inside ye but ye never knew till after ye were dead. Ye woke up and ye were in Hell. Who could ye say it to? Oh here ye are. But ye were, and ye just looked about.

But if it was not fair. What if ye led a good life and did good deeds? How come it was Hell? It would be a big surprise. Except ye were a sinner.