James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

And nobody can help. It is you and only you. Who else could it be? Because if it is your Fate then that is you and just tough luck Everybody has their own. Some have it better than others. But if it is yours it is yours and nobody is going to change it.

People cannot fight yer battles for ye, no yer individual ones. That was what my granda said. If my grannie was giving him a row for something, if it was boxing lessons. Oh Vera, the boy has got to fight his battles.

Vera. That was what he called her. It was right enough if they were married. Vera, she was his wife. Oh Vera. Then he would laugh. So did she, she liked him laughing. Granda was good and ye just how everybody was really just like he was not there or passed over or what, it just was not fair, ye really thought that. And ye saw old people and they were walking down the street and then the old man that had the alsatian sentry dog, he was fat and just with a big red face, but he was there and he was old and he was older than granda if he was still there, so it was no even old people.

With granda it was cats. My grannie liked dogs. I did not really like them. If it was cats or dogs, ye just had to be careful. Ye watched them and they watched you, so then ye got to pet them, and when ye were wee ye smoothed them, then they were alright. Then they liked ye and you got to like them, but ye did not start off liking them.

Except just the mongrel terrier, how it went after me. He came running down the street and was jumping all over me jumping all over me, how come naybody else, if they saw it, just like a magic trick hypnotizing it. What did they think? It came bursting out the close to get me. And it was just me and I knew it how it was the smell and a scent. I started it. It was no the dog's fault. The twinges started on me, then getting near that close, that one where I went so I knew was I going to do it, I was hurrying else going slower no to think about it, if I was going to do it, or would I, maybe no, maybe I wouldnay, trying no to, I did not want to but then the twinges and maybe I was going to have one and if the mongrel terrier got my scent. It did. Ye saw dogs, how they got that smell and how they followed ye or else other dogs, they were trying to shag them, ye saw how they done it, and then if they jumped at ye it was yer bolls, that was what they went for.

I knew what it was. So if other people knew This time it was happening Mitch was up a close and I just came down one and here it was it was a nightmare jumping roundabout me on its back legs doing a crazy circle dance trying to get at me and I could not stop it it was worse than ever. I swung a sack at its head but it came back jumping. Now Mitch was there and laughing, but he kept away, feared it went for him. I was shouting at the dog. It was just a stupid mental case.

It was Mitch's next close so I shouted the customer names to him and got out the parcels, flung them for a catch. Mitch was great at catching even if it was a bad fling. He caught them and was laughing, then ran into the close, ran into the close. The mongrel terrier jumped down off me and chased after him. He did not know because he was running up the steps. Then it was barking. I ran into the close, left the sacks on the floor and up the stairs. I could hear the noises and it was funny I got up the second landing. Mitch was just there standing with his hands in the air and the parcels on the floor. His face was all funny, all something, if it was anguish. The dog was bouncing on its back legs with its two front paws hitting in at his chest and clawing up near his chin. And just its loud breathing.

And Mitch's own breath was stuttering like shivering and his body shaking because he was caught there. If I could pull the dog off him. I grabbed at it but it turned and snapped at me. It did not know me, its teeth there nearly biting me, nearly fucking doing it. The collar round its neck but I could not grip it. Oh but Mitch was no in a good state, just no doing nothing except standing and his shoulders tight up and shivering. I did not know what it was or what if maybe I could chap somebody's door or else what I could not think, except I got roundabout it and punched it dead hard on the side of the head and it went right back and landed down the stairs, its paws scrabbling on the steps and its head jerking round and seeing me then that squealing noise like dogs do it was a squealing noise. I had hit it dead dead hard and my hand even was sore, my knuckles, and my elbow too up at my shoulder, and the mongrel terrier's head, it was just a wee head, and I had battered it.

Mitch was nearly as if he was greeting. It was funny. He was leaning against the wall and making gulping noises, getting his breath, how a wee wean does it, if yer da gives ye a skelping, that was what ye done if ye were greeting and yer throat was too sore with it and ye were gasping. Oh Mitch, I said, Mitch. I patted his shoulder. Oh Mitch, alright?

But he did not look at me and went down the stairs. I gave the parcels into the people then I went down. Out the front close he was standing looking up and down, but the dog was away. I lifted the sacks and went out. He showed me his hand where the dog bit him, just wee marks but no blood. Look at mine, I said. My knuckles were a bit bleeding and the skin was tore. My elbow was sore too, down from the bony bit.

Oh, I am just going fucking hame, said Mitch.

Are ye?

Aye. And he just turned and walked away down the street and did not look back. Usually me and him did, and just called it that, last looks, so when ye were going hame ye looked round to see the person and gave a wave if he was looking and ye done it to see who was last. Mitch remembered who it was, so if it was the next day after school, Oh Smiddy I got the last look.

What I noticed too was how he did not say my name. Mitch always said it, Oh Smiddy, Hey Smiddy He liked saying people's names. Now he just went away. Maybe he was angry at me, but it was no my fault, I could not stop it, until then I did.

I did not meant to batter the dog, I was just feared for Mitch. That mongrel terrier was crazy but ye did not think it was dangerous. This time it was. It did not like Mitch. I thought that but did not say it. Dogs like some people and no others. But it was his fault too. Because he was scared. Dogs do not like it if ye are scared. Ye just had to clap the dog and then that was that. I telled him how to do it. Dogs looked at ye and if ye were alright with them they were alright with you.

It was a shame for Mitch. After my tea I thought to go up for him but then I just waited to see. Maybe he would come up for me. But he did not. It was no my fault. Maybe he thought I would tell the boys but I wouldnay have, never.

***

It was Carolyn Smart's close, the nearer ye got to it, then when ye chapped her door and she came out, and what she had on, just pyjama bottoms and on the top a thin jersey thing else a blouse and making her tits jut out and she just was standing there. What was she she was beautiful, just what, a complete darling, if ye could say that it was her and ye could get randy thinking about her even just coming home from school and on the train or whatever ye were thinking about her and if she came to the door, just a complete darling, so with the pyjama bottoms how she would have come home from school then changed her clothes, maybe to do her homework lying on the bed, that was how some lasses done it, so she did not want to crease her school clothes, so she took them off, changed to the other ones and if her stomach was showing, sometimes it was, at her belly, the top she wore, it was too short and did not reach to her waist so ye always saw that bit and even her actual belly button, I saw that too and there was a wee bit sticking out. Mine went in deep and if water came in a wee puddle got left. Hers was just a wee thing in the middle. How come? If that meant anything, or if it was just cause she was a lassie. But boys had it too, I saw them. The cord got cut off and it sprung back into yer belly and into a wee circle, that was yer belly button.