James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Everybody was a sinner. Ye went to hell because of it. So how come everybody did not go? Because it was no their Fate. Some people had bad Fates. Tough luck for them, they done good deeds but still went to Hell. They could not make up for it. Even if they done all good deeds, that was them.

Other ones done evil deeds, so if they just got away with it. The Registration teacher talked about it. God's way is a mystery to us. If we could but fathom it but we are puny beings.

What about yer own Fate, if that was Hell? Sometimes it sounded daft. Ye could never imagine it. All people burning in big fires and screaming and it was forever, just screaming. Oh you will go to the big fire. People said that when ye were wee. It sounded stupid. Who lights the fire? Oh is it God or the Devil or who else? If it is an Angel how come he is in Hell? Angels do not go to Hell. So it must be an evil Angel and he lights the fire but then if he jumps in after so he will burn.

Other times it did not sound stupid. If ye did evil deeds ye would get punished. That was right enough. Even deeds nobody knew. Nobody saw ye and heard ye and ye did not tell nobody. So they did not know. Not in the entire world. Except God, because God. Ye could not do a single thing except He knew. A Bible Class teacher always said that to us. But He knew anyway if it was Fate. It was Him gave ye it.

Even dogs had their Fate. Some went to Heaven and some went to Hell. Ye felt sorry for the ones that went to Hell because if it was not their fault. What was a dog's evil deeds? What Fate did it have? Some just were stupid, they ran out in front of a car and got knocked down or just the mongrel terrier, I felt sorry for it.

So a wee wean did not go to Hell. So how come a dog? Dogs did not know. So how come they went to Hell? If it was the human trained it, ye could not blame it. It was not fair to have it destroyed, that was not fair, except if it was the human, he got destroyed, it was him trained it if he was the master, so it was him to blame. So it was me, if the dog liked me and then I done something bad, so it was me.

***

Uncle Billy put his money on horse racing. He got beat and talked about it a lot. My grannie just looked at me if his horse was running on the telly and he was shouting, Bloody stupid bloody horse.

Oh he is shouting at the horse, she said, listen to him. He works down in England. But what does he have to show for it? Nothing. Money just slips through his fingers. Oh if he got paid for playing billiards, then he would be alright. He could not even afford to get married, if ever he found a girl.

She said the same things. Uncle Billy just winked. If the horse won sometimes he gave ye money. Oh Kierie boy, there is a wee bung for ye.

He done it when I was wee and gave me the wink so no to tell people. He still done it now I was old. I had money in my pocket but my grannie said, Oh just take it son.

Uncle Billy laughed. Oh mother mother, sweet mother of mine.

My grannie liked him saying daft stuff. She acted like she did not but she did. But she did not like it when he gave her cuddles. She hated cuddles. I done it when I was wee and she said, Oh it is not good for children, if there is germs. Only the forehead son.

So ye could just kiss her on the forehead. That was the same with Uncle Billy. Oh do not come near me, she said, big beery breath.

I am not beery breath, no yet anyway!

He was going out to the pub with his pal and meeting other ones. And then it is the jigging, we are going to the jigging.

Who would dance with you, said my grannie.

Oh plenty, plenty.

He was going back to England on Sunday night. The bus left at midnight and got there in the morning. He went straight to his work. Oh I sleep on the bus, he said. And then I sleep at my work.

When are ye coming back?.

I am no sure. But I will be coming home for good soon. I am sick of it down there. People do not even talk to ye if ye are Scottish. If it was not for my landlady She is the only one.

Oh maybe you will marry her, said my grannie.

Maybe I will, three square meals and extra helpings. Eh Kierie boy ye have to watch out for these wummin.

He looked at me for a laugh but my stomach went bad. That was it now. I was anyplace at all and away thinking about things and stuff was just there filling my head. What would happen to me? I did not know. I did not know. If it was a girl in the class and she was laughing to her pal, just that one wee second. A feeling struck through me just sudden and in my heart or there someplace, down to my stomach, if it was not my heart. Maybe if it was my soul. It was the worst nightmare. I could not do nothing, and just if I could away and just go someplace away someplace and just stay there. I would never just be.

I did not know what to do.

Uncle Billy was going to meet his pal Chick. He got the van from his work when we did the flitting to the scheme. How come we ever went to the scheme, it was just fucking horrible, bloody just horrible. I did not like swearing in my grannie's, even in my head. Swearing in yer head is the same as out loud, if it is you that does it. I liked swearing but no in my grannie's.

Uncle Billy had his good shirt and tie on and his big coat as well. Oh it is freezing out there, he said, it will snow the night. Come on Kierie boy, I will walk ye down to the subway.

Yes, said my grannie, because it passes his pub.

Uncle Billy just laughed, waiting on me to come.

Oh it is okay Uncle Billy, I will stay a wee while yet.

Oh ye will will ye! Are ye sure?

Yes.

My grannie did not say anything. She was glad.

Well

Oh away to the pub, said my grannie.

I will. You are no making me feel guilty.

I did not think I would.

I went to the door and waved to him going down the stairs. But it was quiet when he went. He made grannie laugh and she liked him. He was just always cheery. People smiled, even my maw. Even my da. My da liked him too.

But if Uncle Billy liked my da, he did not see him much. My da said, Tell Billy hullo from me and it is time we went for a pint.

Uncle Billy smiled when I telled him. Say hullo back to him. But he did not come much to our house. My grannie never did. Her and granda only went once to our house. My granda said, Oh it is a wagon train, ye will meet Red Indians over there, it is too faraway.

Auntie May never came either. How come?

People do not do things. Uncle Billy asked how Matt was and said to me quiet, Does he come to visit his grannie?

Aye, I said but I did not think he did. Maybe he did. I did not see him here. I came at daytime as well because with school, I was dogging it a lot, but I did not see Matt.

My grannie just opened the door and let me in. She did not say about me coming. She made me something to eat, boiled eggs or tomatoes and cheese on biscuit things.

She did not buy much bread, but a lot of tomatoes. I went her messages to the dairy and for Mrs Duncan down the stair. She was grannie's pal. If she was not in her house I chapped Mrs Duncan's door and that is where she was, if they were just drinking tea or watching television. Mrs Duncan knitted but my grannie did not, and never watched television in her own house, just in Mrs Duncan's. Sometimes I got her messages too. She gave me money for going. I did not want it but she said to take it. Oh if people give ye things, ye should just take them.

My maw did not think the same. You do not need things from people. You should just smile and say, No thank you.

I liked looking at granda's stuff. My grannie did not mind. She said to take some but I did not. But I would after. I told her. And all his tools, I took them out the box and laid them out on the floor. So if it was an electric plug and ye had to fix it, ye had the wee screwdriver to open it up. I saw my da doing it and now here was the stuff for grannie, if she needed it. Then the axe and the hammers. Some screwdrivers were sharp, ye could stab people with them. I could have took one.