James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

It is no shite.

Fuck off man.

Naw, stand up and I will show ye.

Fuck off

Oh come on.

No.

Come on and I will show ye.

He will just fucking show ye, said Mitch.

Oh for fuck sake, said the paperboy, but he got up. Do not do anything daft, I am fucking warning ye.

But I was no going to. I just showed him how ye push yer man off balance, if he is attacking ye, so ye get his arm to follow through, pulling him and giving him a shove. Kid on ye are going to throw a punch, I said.

No.

Come on.

I cannot be fucking bothered.

Oh come on.

He took a deep breath then laid down his fag and put his hands up, then threw his left. The very one. I went with my side to him and got his wrist to pull him through and got him down easy, right on his side, but all the money came out his pockets, all rolling over the ground. Oh for fuck sake my tips my tips, ya fucking bastard. He jumped up right away and picked up the money. Look at my fucking jeans too, fucking mud all over them!

It was the side of his jeans, damp and some mud over them. Mitch laughed.

Oh what ye fucking laughing at? said the paperboy.

Nothing, said Mitch.

It isnay fucking funny. What did ye no tell me ye were going to do that for? You should have fucking telled me!

I did not mean it, I said.

Look at the fucking state of the jeans!

They are just damp.

The paperboy shook his head and went away. That was him. That was what he done. He went in bad huffs. He done it a lot. Any stuff where ye beat him, he hated it. If Mitch was no there and I finished my deliveries first, he really hated it and it was excuses. Oh I was late starting the night. The papers were late. People kept me back. I was short of papers and had to go and get more. He wanted to know about tips too, if we had the same customer. Oh how much of a tip does she give ye? So he always wanted to go first on Fridays and it was to get the first tip. Freddy the driver telled me that, First one to the door gets the biggest tip.

One time I climbed a veranda for a woman that was locked out and he hated that too. Just because I done it and no him. I telled Mitch. Mitch said, Aye but Smiddy you are the best climber.

Then if it was fighting, if it was real fighting, probably he would have beat me. I think he would have, maybe, but maybe no. But he would never have beat Mitch. I did not say it to him but I knew Mitch would beat him. The paperboy thought because he was older he would win but he would not, it was not ages to beat people. The paperboy was daft if he thought that. He just acted tough and said a lot of stuff. If the alsatian sentry dog went for him ever again he was going to tell the cops and get it destroyed.

Ye destroy a dog is ye kill it. I would never kill a dog. Whose fault is it? It is not the dog's fault. I did not think that was fair.

How come he did not get friends with it? Ye just walked in the close slow, and ye went to it so it saw ye, just slow and if ye talked to it, Oh good boy, good boy, how are ye son, how are ye, are ye okay. And no putting yer hands up, and keeping in full view so the thing could see ye. If ye ran ye would disturb it and ye did not want that. Ye done it bit by bit by bit. If the dog was in the garden that was good. If it was by the steps up the close it was worse. All ye could do was go in slow and no look at it. Ye heard the rumble in its throat and knew its eyes were watching but ye had to carry on. But ye listened for a swishing noise. That was its tail. If ye heard that then it was coming behind ye. Ye did not know till ye heard the swishing. Ye just walked on, not changing yer pace because not to surprise it.

And do not run. Oh never never. Never run. I told Mitch that all the time. He would not even go in the close. With dogs ye must never run, even wee dogs. That was the last thing. The alsatian sentry dog would not have bit the paperboy if he had not run. The old man said that and it was true. If ye were feared of dogs they knew it. That was a thing with them. People said they were no clever but they were. They were cleverer than cats. People said cats were the best but to me it was dogs. Cats were just how they done things but dogs were looking at ye all the time so if it was people that was how they knew, they were always looking at ye.

Ye had to watch it. If ye were feared ye acted like ye were not. If ye could forget about it, that was what ye did. Think about other things. If yer school has their football team and you are playing for them and ye score a good goal or cross over a good ball for somebody So if it was for Scotland, imagine it was Scotland Schoolboys played England Schoolboys and beat them 5–3, just one complete team from all the boys, RCs too. It was a real football park and ye ran out the tunnel onto the pitch, then sent over the cross and the centre scored the winner. Even just the BB wee team on a Saturday morning if ye are playing for them. But what if they do not pick ye. Oh you cannot play because ye do not come to the Fall In. But I have to do my deliveries. Oh that does not matter.

Ye just thought of all stuff, just whatever it was and went away thinking about it, then ye forgot about the dog.

***

I carried the delivery sacks inside my school bag so there was no much room. But I hated the school bag anyway, it looked like Primary School. Boys in my class had other ones, just better ones. If I did not have the delivery sacks I would not have brought it, just used my pockets. Then if I went over to my grannie's I would no have had to carry it.

I liked no having to worry about things, bags and books and exercise jotters and pencils and pens. It was all stuff ye did not need. But if a teacher got ye it was hard luck. I was to read a passage out a book for English and was going to borrow it from a boy when one saw me. Where is your book?

I forgot it sir.

You firgoat it.

He came up to the desk and looked down at my school bag. What do you keep in there anyway? I am asking you a question boy. Open your school bag! Are you deaf? Open your school bag! Open it when I tell you. Will you open that school bag! Now!

The class all were watching. I did not care. Who cared about him, no me. He knew what it was, that was in my school bag. I saw he did. How did he know? He just did. I opened the school bag and pulled the sacks out. Maybe somebody told him. I did not care anyway. He held his hand out and I gave him one. What is this? he said.

A delivery sack sir.

A delivery sack sir. He took the three other ones and held them up for people to see, then had two in each hand. It was funny seeing them all crumpled and hanging down. It didnay even look like them. I was nearly laughing. One, two, three, four. Four delivery sacks, he said.

And they could even have had names. I saw that when he held them because there they were, the four ones I knew that were mine and they were different from each other, the one with the rips at the bottom so ye had to carry it up the way else a parcel would fall out and the one with the thin strap, just worn away and ye thought of an old man on his last legs, but wondered if it was going to fucking snap so ye didnay walk across a deep puddle because if it did snap what about yer parcels, imagine they were all fucking soaked so that was you and if nobody took them, ye would just have to fucking pay for them because the boss would just look at ye, It wasnay me that dropped them in the fucking puddle son. That was what he would say.

The teacher was looking at me and saying stuff, holding his hand out, looking down at me. His tie knot was pulled tight and greasy-looking. What did he even want? It was my school bag. I was to give him it. His finger just waggling at me, just stupid. So I was to hand it over, that was funny, his finger, and a dirty nail, teachers with a dirty nail. I gave him the school bag and he looked inside it. Two jotters and no books, he said. Two crushed jotters, and no books. Are you laughing boy?