James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Oh and then a boy w****d. He sat at the back of the class. The teacher was out the room and he just started doing it. He had a look on his face and if ye saw his eyes he did not see back. I knew about w*****g but I did not know about other people except just boys laughing. It was a complete shock and everybody was all not knowing what to do but just all if they were talking, nearly talking or else just sitting but jumping about and in low voices saying, Oh what is that? What is he doing? Is he doing that? Oh he is not doing that? Is he doing it? Then the word got said, w*****g. People were saying it, Oh he is w*****g.

Now people were wanting to see and looking round then pointing at him. But he was just doing it and no seeing nobody. Lasses sat facing the front so they would not see him. One dropped her pencil on the floor and reached down to get it but then she turned her head and was looking past her arm, that was how she done it. She got a big red face, Oh he is oh he is!

Others lasses did not look and were acting angry, Oh he is just a child, he is just a child. Oh that is awful. I am telling the teacher.

Some boys laughed at the lasses and were seeing if one looked to see him w*****g. Oh she is looking, quick, see her?

But he did not care about nobody looking. His name was William Mitchell and he got called Mitch. He just done all stupid things, and what he wanted, he just done it. Then if ye dared him, he done it all. He was a best fighter but and people did not joke much to him.

The teacher set us a test to put ye in place. Miss Cooney. When she read out the marks we went to our new desks. John Davis got put in the worst dunce's seat.

There was four divisions in the class and eight double desks in each. The first division was the brainiest one and the top seats for the best two pupils, Sarah Wright and Isobel Hartley. Oh Sarah is always Wright.

The second top row was for the next best then the next then the next. The fourth division was the lowest. But the teacher done it different at the front rows. She kept the front row for dunces so for the front desks in the four divisions it was dunces, so in our class ye got eight real dunces.

The boys in the dunces' row were not good at their lessons or else were not good in another way. So if they were absent all the time or were talking and laughing too much or if they done something bad. The teacher said it. Oh I want to keep an eye on you.

None lasses were in the dunces' row. If one had been there people would have looked at her and felt sorry but not boys. Boys did not care. They said that. Maybe they did. John Davis was the worst dunce in the lowest seat. He did not come much to school. When he came he stood near me and I spoke to him. Other boys did not and were looking.

The teacher put me in the top division. Lucky for me it was the low-down row. The one below me had two dunces. I sat beside Ruthie Grindlay. She did not eat blood-oranges. Her maw gived her one in a poke and she was going to throw it in the bin, Oh it is all black.

Oh but it is not, I said, it is just a blood-orange.

Ruthie Grindlay did not listen to me, so I got the orange and opened it and people were looking, Oh it all is bad it is black, but it was not. I ate it up and gived some to a boy at the desk across the way.

Ruthie Grindlay did not talk to me and hid her work. I was not trying to see it, if she thought I was, I was not going to copy her. So I was third top boy in the complete class. Two more boys were in the top division, one was posh and one was Samuel Ross at the desk above me. The posh one was top boy and in the second row. I never saw him except at school. He just went by himself in the playground and did not play any games. Second top boy was Samuel Ross. He did not talk to me. I did not talk to him. After the test people said, Oh you are in the top division, you are brainy, Oh Smiddy is brainy.

But I was not brainy. It was just the test and ye wrote down the answers. My maw was glad when I told her. She wanted me to stick in at my lessons. Oh maybe you can go to the good school. Only if you stick in. Oh Kieron you must stick in at your lessons.

My maw was saying about the posh boy but I did not know him. If people were posh my maw liked them. Oh he is a nice speaker.

There was a dentist's house and a doctor's house and that was what my maw wondered, Oh maybe it is the dentist's boy or the doctor's, is he a nice boy? Oh he will be a nice speaker.

My da said, The dentist and the doctor do not stay there it is just where ye go to see them. They have their own house someplace else, miles away.

I did not tell them my pals. They would not like them. One was Gary McNab. He sat at the desk below me. He was the top dunce. If he done better he would get out the dunces' row and into the fourth division. I got pals with him. He did not say the answers if it was a test. He just laughed. He saw me writing fast and just shaked his head, Oh Smiddy, teacher's pet.

If he copied. I showed him my test paper and he only looked at it and made a face. So he did not want to do the answers. So if he knew them himself, maybe he did. But John Davis did not write any answers and was the worst dunce.

Gary McNab made people laugh. And if the teacher was not looking he turned round in his seat and stole yer stuff. He skited it over the flair maybe if it was a jotter and it was you to go and get it. He did it to Ruthie Grindlay and she told the teacher. He called her fat bum and if he f****d he said it was her, Oh smellee pong, that was you.

One time she was greeting, Oh I did not pimp I did not pimp.

So she did not like me. It was not me that said it but it did not matter. I did not care anyway. Boys would not tell the teacher else it was hard luck for them. Sometimes me and Gary were pals. His big brother was a best fighter. Everybody knew him. But if Gary thought he was a best fighter. He acted it. But he was wee so maybe he was not. I did not think he was. One time he was walking down the street with his big brother, I waved to him and he did not wave back. Ye thought ye were pals with him then ye were not. That was Gary. Then he would laugh at ye. How come? He just laughed, as if ye were not something, whatever it was. Oh what ye laughing at Gary? I said it to him.

Oh I am just thinking about something.

He was pals with Podgie. They stayed in the same street and shared their stuff. So if they had sweeties, they did not give ye one. And if it was a fag and they smoked it, they would not give ye a draw. Only one draw and they would not give ye it. That was to me and Mitch, and another boy Peter Wylie, if we were with them. I did not get fags. But Mitch got them and he gived us draws. He stole them off his da and his big sisters. My stomach got sick with smoking. I was in the class and I went dizzy, Oh please miss, and I had to leave the room. I just went to the lavatory and put my head down the pan and just was there. Podgie telled me to fling cold water on my face. That was what he done.

But when Gary McNab done something to me I done it back to him so then it was a laugh and ye made a joke, so if ye were out on the floor and ye did a daft face or a daft walk. Miss Cooney caught me and grabbed my arm and went to give me the belt. I hit at her hand, no meaning to do it but just because she grabbed me. But then she thought I was more cheekier so got more angry. Her hand was shaking, she got the belt out her desk and gived me four. Two went up my wrist. Usually ye just got one of the belt for what I did, a daft face. Four of the belt was too much.

Gary was a good laugh and other ones near the dunces' row, except no John Davis. He did not do stuff except football maybe if we had a game in the playground. He did not come knocking. We asked him to. If he was one of the boys, he could come with us. It was not a gang, just the boys, that was what we called it. Maybe if it was a gang, some thought it. We just said the boys, ye were one of the boys. We went about the gether and played football or what, if we went down to the shops.