James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

I could see the railway line way down a bit. Imagine there was a train could take me someplace. Just away to the seaside then ye could swim and go on the sand. But I could go to my grannie's.

I had not seen my grannie and granda for ages. It was great in the old place, ye could just cross the back and go up the stair. I saw them all the time. Mattie as well. But I went more than him. I just liked going. In the new scheme ye could not.

Ye just could not do stuff. I did not like it in the new scheme. Maybe I hated it. If I did hate it. And I did not have any pals. Except John Davis. Then if it was Pat and Danny, but they were Catholics. Ye did not see Catholics much. They went their other places. So I did not have any pals. John did not come out much. His maw and da did not let him. He could have come to Sunday School. But I did not say to him. He would not have wanted to come. He did not like going places. I went up for him but he just stayed in. He took me in but I wanted to stay out. Oh we will go down the field and jump the burn. I said it to him plenty of times. I can show ye the gun-site, come on we will go and then if it is the Squatters, we can see their camp.

No.

Oh but just a walk after tea.

He just said no. That was John. He would not have come to the Sunday School.

But I thought if other people went so if ye got pals, if boys came I would get pals with them. I thought that. But here was nobody except lasses and two wee infant boys. I just waited.

An old old man was there. He came in the gate and opened a wee door at the side of the Church building. He brought us into a shady room. And then funny smells and all black clothes hanging down. What were they for? The Primary 4 lasses were looking and so was I. Maybe it was the Church Minister's stuff and he changed in here, it was his cloaks and stuff. Our School Minister wore a black cloak but no when he was out on the street, then it was a jacket and trousers. But no Priests and Nuns. They had their stuff on all the time and just went about everywhere. They did not care. Papes did not care. Ye saw them and they just were going their places and if it was Chapel they just went in the door. Look at them going in. People said that. But they just done it. In the old place we went to scrambles and if it was a Chapel ye saw them all going in and just talking or else laughing.

Black cloaks. How come it was black cloaks? Maybe other colours were there too. If it was purple.

That smell but. What was it? Maybe sweaty feet. But oh like sugary stuff too, it was horrible and maybe even if it was yer eyes. I felt it. That smell was making my eyes nippy.

The old man was waving at me. Oh boy if ye just lift down a chair. He said it to me, oh boy, and there was the chairs all piled up on tables.

I was to help get them for the two wee infant boys and the Primary 4 lasses. He passed them to me and I put them on the floor. Oh but if it was the wrong Sunday School class? Maybe it was, maybe there was one for older people.

Oh mister is there another Sunday School? I said it to him but he did not speak back. Then he was looking with his face all wrinkled up. Oh mister is there another Sunday School for big ones?

What?

But a woman was there, just come in the door. Oh no, this is the Sunday School, she said. Do not worry, boys and girls your age will be coming.

She got a seat and put it down to look at all us. She had white hair and a quite snobby voice. Hullo boys and girls, I wonder what your names are and what school you go to.

The two wee boys were saying it to her. Oh Miss my name is Andrew.

I just was standing up. Oh please Miss I will come next week.

I beg your pardon?

Oh just I will come next week Miss.

I needed to go and went over to the door and if she grabbed my shoulder, maybe she would, I would just run, she would not catch me.

Oh but sit down.

I just walked and it was out in a corridor. I kept on but I was feeling funny and it was just an awful feeling in my head, if it was going to blow up, if my body was getting bigger and bigger and blow into smithereens else what would happen what would happen, I did not know, just to get out and I was just walking getting away.

I went down the road, then the next one, and the sign was there for the train station oh and I had my collection money, I had it in my pocket. My maw gived me it for the Sunday School. I could just go on the train. I could, I could just do it. The stairs went up to the train station platform. I just went up. Nobody was there. I walked along to the very end of the platform. All bushes and big big weedy bits, and bricks and boulders and then sweetie papers and all litter stuff.

Foxes and wolves came at nighttime. Along here it took ye to the canal. Boys ran over the railway track. They just done it. Ye listened to the lines and if it was all clear then ye did it. It was good. But what I thought, ye could just run along if ye keeped into the side and just at the bushes so if a train came, nobody would see ye and it would just be you looking out, ye would see all the people on their seats, but they would not see you.

A bench was there and I sat on it. It was funny how it was just me and I was at the Sunday School and nobody else was. Out of everybody that was all my age only it was me. How come? It was just a thing and I was thinking about it. Then all other stuff. And a secret wee thing how really if I was a Pape. That was a wee thing I used to think. If I was one and did not know it so I was not going to Chapel but just to Church. I should have been going to Chapel but was not. Because I did not know. Because nobody told me. If I did not know. So I could not do it.

If I did know and did not do it that was different. Except if it came to me in my head and it was just there. So if it was just there. That was like knowing. So really I knew. So I did not go but I knew to go.

God would see me. God saw into yer soul and knew everything ye did and ye had to confess. So if I was a Pape God knew I was one. And I was not doing the stuff, all what ye had to do if ye were one. If it was the Sign of the Cross, God would know I did not do it and would be sad and would not like it.

But if I did not know I was one, so that was why I did not do the Sign. God would know I did not. So it was not my fault, He would forgive me. If it was a Trespass. Maybe if it was and not a real Sin. But if really I knew I was a RC, if I was one. So it was a Sin I was doing and God would be angry If it was a Sin forever. So I would go to Hell and get damned for all Eternity except if it was forgiveness. God forgived ye. It would be alright but just ye would have to start doing it. Because if ye knew ye knew and could not not know ever again. So if it was God, He knew ye knew. He did. Ye still would be alright but just if ye done it from that very moment. Oh but ye would have to and have to. And it was all the stuff.

When ye went into Church ye walked down the passage and sat in the pews. But if ye were a Catholic it was a Chapel and ye gived a bow and kneeled down and gived the Sign of the Cross too. Ye just took yer thumb across yer chest. Ye dragged it up and down then across and back across. If what it really meant, A Cross. So ye took yer thumb A Cross yer chest. And ye done it sore with yer thumb and felt it on ye and it was the biggest nail jagging in. It was like that and that was for Jesus so if He was on the Cross. I saw it in Pat's house and then His Heart was the Bleeding Heart.

Ye came in the Chapel door and walked down the passage where was the Altar and the big statues. It was maybe Jesus or else Mother Mary or God. Ye gived the Sign to that and then walked down to yer pew. That was what the RCs done. Their football players done it too, first when they ran on the park then if they scored or dived to save a penalty. I saw games on the telly and ye kidded on ye did not see it. Oh if he was one ye liked especially. Oh he is a Pape, that was what ye thought and they all were Papes. Darkies too. My da just looked right at the telly and did not say nothing but maybe a loud breath, hohhhhhh. So if it was a Priest in a picture on the telly, he did not like that.