H. Adler - The Journey

Which was why Caroline had to come to grips with it all on her own. Now that Leopold is no longer alive, there is less for her to worry about. He had lost nothing as a result, for he had little idea of what one really had to endure in Ruhenthal. It is better for him now. Paul will quickly find the desire to go on. Men don’t mourn as deeply as do women. For Zerlina, clearly such desire is evil. Her mind is set. She sees too much, but what she should see she does not. She judges Caroline, because she supposedly did not do enough for the old man. That is nonsense. Caroline had never been angry with him for being so neglectful. On the contrary, she had made his life easy, even here in Ruhenthal. Here most of all. If she had not economized so well, producing hidden money again and again as if by magic and trading bits of clothing for food, she could not have made Leopold’s soup tastier and cooked extra dishes for him. Which is why she has been reduced to skin and bones. She has sacrificed herself because she did not want to be at all responsible for the old man’s collapse, nor did she want to constantly have Zerlina’s reproachful glances before her eyes. He certainly did not starve to death, he always had something to eat. The entire ward envied what he had. Every day, no matter the weather, Caroline visited him at least once, if not twice. Like a little hungry dog he waited for what she brought with her: “Show me, Caroline, show me what you brought! Hmm, that’s good, that tastes good! Bring me some more of that, if you have any left!” But where she had gotten it, where she was supposed to get more, Leopold never thought of that. It was all obvious to him, just order it up and stick a napkin in his collar, just like in the days of peace. Not even once did he ask whether Caroline and the children had enough to eat. Though that was only half true, Caroline had to admit. With sincere yet clueless eyes he had often asked: “Do you all have enough? Certainly you do, Caroline!” She didn’t contradict him, but neither had he pressed the matter.

Just before he died, Leopold began to withdraw. “You live on the moon!” Then Leopold grew angry and said no, much like a child who has been asked whether or not he is there who then quite innocently answers from his hiding place, No, I’m not here! Such a person does not suffer much, one in whom everything is buried and never sees the light of day. It is easy to be a good man when you let all of your worries roll off you and, whatever happens, you take it all in without comprehending. No, he really did not suffer. Zerlina must not say that he did. There are poor devils much worse off than him who have nobody here and are wretchedly hungry because no one makes sure that they get what they have coming to them. But that’s the way of the world, one gets something, another gets nothing. When there’s little, one has to make do. Hunger is a mean commander, which is why Caroline is not surprised so many in Ruhenthal had become disreputable. Who indeed can be trusted and does not take from his neighbor whatever he can grab? If you don’t join in, you end up with the short straw. Anyone can remain above it all as long as he has a surplus. In a pinch everyone is as bad as the next. No one should think himself capable of setting an example for others. Anything can be bought for a piece of bread, but you can also sell your soul for it as well.

Whoever takes things as they are can come to terms with it all and at least carve out a bit of happiness for himself. Caroline will live differently now that she no longer has to worry about Leopold. Then it suddenly occurs to her that she can no longer visit him. Indeed it’s all gone, the day asserts its rights. There’s not even a cemetery where one can tend a grave. During these times there is nothing left of the dead, sentimentality having disappeared. Memorials have been deemed out of style. Caroline almost has to laugh when she recalls that there even was such a thing. If she really thinks about it, she really has to concede that the piousness and care required by graves were only an insincere bit of comedy that had to be played out by family and friends. Here no such theater was played anymore. Instead there was just naked life, rather than drama upon a stage. There were no longer disguised feelings. They were all made clear, whereby it also became obvious that everything was a complete sham.

Caroline grew up in the upper middle class. The walls were almost completely covered with paintings. Throughout the entire apartment you could not see what was behind them. In the salon there stood a bulky piano with an embroidered silk doily and numerous figurines upon it. A boy strangling a goose, a child pulling a thorn out of his foot. They were all very beautiful, but also impractical, made out of white alabaster, or maybe it was only plaster. All of the children took piano lessons, but none of them actually played. Soon the piano lid was shut, the keys were at rest. The instrument was never touched again and darkened over the years, a monument that was always in the way, each day gathering dust that really needed to be wiped away. Back then everything was hidden, hypocrisy burying the truth, much more so than later, because in general everyone was doing well. If Caroline were now a girl of marrying age, she could turn down Leopold’s proposal. There were younger and handsomer admirers whom you could choose from at your leisure. But only Leopold was there back then, no doubt the marriage having already been arranged. He didn’t ask much and he didn’t say much, and soon the parents were in agreement. Caroline was presented with the facts. And so the marriage was sealed.

Caroline could have resisted, yet she would have been too ashamed, so she did not protest. Her parents explained that Leopold was from a good family, a doctor, an educated man with a promising practice. There was nothing to decide, Caroline was still young and had hopes for the future. What could she have said when, after a year, the disappointment set in? Absolutely nothing. Divorce was not yet the order of the day. It would have been a scandal throughout the entire town. Many years later Zerlina blamed Caroline for not wanting to separate from Leopold. She would have done it, but by then it was really too late, for it seemed heartless to leave a helpless old man. Today everything is changed and nothing matters. Life is a mess. Ruhenthal is closed off and hidden from the world. Old people here know nothing of the world and can go no farther than the barrier at the edge of town, and even then only when there is a burial. The barrier, however, is still raised for the young. If only Paul would decide to escape! The countryside is huge, there are many little villages to hide out in. But Paul is a good-natured, wishy-washy person. He fritters away every chance and never seizes the opportunity. At his age Caroline would have been long gone over the hills. Paul’s indifference is worse than laziness. Events just sweep him along, and he just goes along without a fight. Caroline cannot depend on him. Zerlina, however, is nothing more than a bundle of nerves. She is too stubborn and always has her neck in a noose. Then Zerlina wonders why she can’t catch her breath. Staunchness only makes sense when it is joined with courage and skill. The girl is too excitable, and that’s why she overdoes it. Early on Caroline had hidden too much, but Zerlina hides too little. According to her, whoever immediately spoke the truth had no burden to carry. Yet every little thing need not be brought into the open, for then you die a day at a time and suffer agony. The girl is just hysterical. If I didn’t keep her in line constantly, we wouldn’t even be here. She’ll be the end of us by constantly confusing her dreams with reality. Ruhenthal is no summer vacation.

“You have to finally learn to keep what you think to yourself a bit more.”