H. Adler - The Journey

“Things are different for you than for me. Do you know, Mother, it would be better if you stopped lecturing me. You’re not going to change me. Nothing will change me. You should have sent me away before the war even started.”

“You didn’t want to go away. I suggested it to you and Paul again and again.”

“You’re the one who said so …! Because you knew that I would never leave you both. I am what I am. I’ve come to accept that, and that’s why I’m asking you to let me be as I am.”

“You’re making yourself miserable, child! You’re not helping yourself at all. I don’t want to talk about me and the others.”

“You’re not talking about yourself, but you only think of yourself. What do others matter to you? Look, Mother, I know what you’re like, I know exactly what you’re like. And yet I’ve taken it upon myself to stick by you and the family.”

“Worry less about the family and more about yourself!”

“You say that, but as soon as I go my own way you turn to look at me accusingly and are cold to me. You make it seem like I’m being egotistical. But let’s not go into it!”

“You’ve got me wrong! It’s wonderful when people stick together, but one also has to think about oneself a little. You accomplish nothing with your self-sacrifice. You only put everyone on edge. For it’s something that is easier said than done. You keep accusing me, but you’re a lot like your father. One has to keep an eye on you, otherwise you’ll be in a mess before you know it.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve never demanded anything for myself. The old man … let’s not talk about him. You stayed with him, which is your own doing. You can let me go in peace. I can take care of myself.”

“You can take care of yourself all right! If I didn’t keep a watch over you, you’d be in fine shape now! There would no one to take care of your things, to warm up your food, to darn your stockings, and yet you have doubts whether anyone loves you, that nobody thinks about you, that nobody cares about you.”

“Please, don’t do anything for me! I’ve always gotten along just fine. But since we’re on the subject, is it really all that much, what you did for me? It was nothing at all, and you know that yourself. It’s miserable to even waste words on any of this!”

“Please, don’t get so upset! I’m only stating the truth, a part of the truth, which you love so much. Zerlina, you need to remember, no one accomplishes anything in this world if all you do is bang your head against a wall! You have to have reserves that you don’t tap until the very end, something hidden, secrets.…”

“I have no reserves. I don’t want to have any! Where has your constant carefulness and caution gotten you? Here we sit in Ruhenthal, Frau Lustig! What a beautiful destination, our dreamed-of fairy-tale castle, our gingerbread house! What else do you want to deny while someone has you by the collar? You can deny all you want, but no one will ever let you go free again.”

“Okay, we’re trapped, we’re trapped! But …”

“There is no ‘but’! Everything is finished! Caution and frugality and denial no longer have any point, so to hell with them! The song is over, Mother! Do you hear what I’m saying? Whoever doesn’t live life to the full now has never lived!”

“You always live life to the full, and yet it is no life that you live! Zerlina, you’ve exhausted life! And whoever isn’t careful now will be finished!”

“We’re all finished, dear Mother! It makes no sense to fight against it. We’ll get through as best we can, but each has to go her own way, you yourself and I myself.”

“And Paul?”

“And Paul has to go his own way.”

“Paul won’t make it. He relies too much on you and me because he is so weak.”

“I won’t talk about Paul with you.”

Caroline tries to come to terms with it all, but she sees that it is hopeless. Now that Leopold is gone, everything is falling apart. It cannot be helped anymore. The more pressure there is upon people to keep them locked up, the more any sense of togetherness dissolves. Life has become full of holes, great gaps have opened up, spaces between tiny islands. No one knows anyone else. What one says and hears never coheres into one view. You still think that you stand on solid ground until all of a sudden you fall into a hole. When you finally realize that you have fallen into a hole and are lost, you can yell all you want but nobody comes. Should someone happen by, he either doesn’t see anything or has his hands full or doesn’t have the time to help. There is no such thing as family life, for here there is only hell. You keep on as if there is no such thing as love or care, but rather only the agony that people suffer. Caroline is too weak to resist giving someone the shirt off her back. Any talk of togetherness is nothing but lies, much like the silent piano that the dust motes shower dust upon, though nobody has the nerve to haul off the old crate.

Since Ida is gone, Caroline has only her roommates to talk to. Ida and her crippled hands have left. Whenever Zerlina comes in and behaves as if Ida will sit down next to Caroline at any moment, she can hardly stand it. It’s unbearable when Zerlina greets them both. It’s crazy. What would Ida think of it? Each should meet her fate alone, but that’s not what happened to her. One day they were told that two thousand people had to leave, strong men and women ready for work. Sort them out from among yourselves, you’re forty thousand people in all! Anyone under twenty for sure, you won’t mind it at all, such a small bloodletting won’t hurt at all, so off with you! Off with you! Don’t ask the reasons why, or where you’re headed. What matters is: we need you! Don’t say anything about already being prisoners and that should be enough. No, that’s not enough, we want more from you and think it fine if we throw you all together. Prisoners should travel, the world is wide and bright, you should see some of it! Here you’re so packed in one atop another! You complain that the rooms are too full? We’re happy to assist you and provide Ruhenthal with a little breathing room!

Why do you all hide? Whoever hides will only be discovered, and he won’t like the journey from there on out. You’re all free to go. Report! Off with you! You don’t want to go? Okay, then it doesn’t matter if we force you to take a journey. We’re telling you what the law is. It’s slavery. It always manifests itself when it’s not wanted, that’s its nature, because otherwise there would be no slavery on Earth, and people could rest easy. Step forward if you want to be condemned to slavery! That amounts to self-condemnation, in which the strong are victorious and the weak are defeated. All of you, get ready! We will take you on the journey. Each of you can bring yourself along as well as some bags, though not too many, because otherwise the journey will be uncomfortable, and you still have to be herded together. We just wouldn’t feel good about it, trains that are too full are bad for the railroad.

Onward a little farther. Maybe even backward. Leopold had often wished for that. After the war … that’s what he always said. That is not necessary, for even during the war one can travel. It does one good and enriches oneself to experience the wide world, for it nourishes life. You all can see for the first time how many towns there are in the countryside. There’s plenty of room for you, for you don’t need much. The horizons of travelers are broadened, and you always valued education so much. Can you appreciate the fact that we’re doing all of this for you for free? All we ask for in return is your life, thus the price is cheap, for what is your life worth? Used up and worth nothing! No one would think of buying it, and so it belongs to us, and we’re shipping you off. You have nothing to lose, and only something to gain. Whoever doesn’t know how to help himself otherwise, just go with the flow! Get yourselves ready and don’t be late, because in three days we’ll be picking you up. The song is over.