Reif Larsen - I Am Radar

Radar looked over at the record spinning in circles. Caruso’s voice was full of quiet counsel. He blinked, trying to make room for this. Trying to imagine himself emergent, a black newborn.

“Fuck,” he said.

“I know, I know.”

“So then. . wait.” The wheels spinning. “What does that make Kermin?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is he my father?”

She was silent.

“Mom.”

“There were tests. They tested his blood.”

“And?”

“The doctor said he was your father.”

He turned. “But I’m asking you . Is Kermin my father?”

“Yes! Yes, of course. I mean. .” She sighed. She rubbed her face. “I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t want to believe it.”

“Didn’t want to believe what?”

She was silent.

“Didn’t want to believe what, Mom?”

“It was just one night. He only came back for one night,” she said quietly.

“Who came back for one night?”

She turned back to him and closed her eyes. “Oh, Lord.”

“ Who came back for one night?”

“I never knew his real name. T.K. That was it. I had known him from before — when I first moved to New York. And then we lost touch. And right when your father and I were getting married, he came back. He showed up on my doorstep one day.” Her eyes glazed over. “He was from Minnesota. He had a laugh. He had a way of laughing. .”

“He was a black guy?”

She nodded.

“Holy shit,” he said.

“I still couldn’t believe it. Even when you came out how you did. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, I thought. And then there was all this coverage about you, and I thought for sure that he would show up and say, ‘That’s mine, that’s my kid. Give me back my kid.’”

“But I was your kid too.”

“Yeah, but for a while it didn’t feel like that.”

“And so did he?”

“Did he what?”

“Did he come back?”

“No.”

“And you never tried to find him again?”

She shook her head.

He looked down at the diagram of the skin cell. Trying to imagine T.K., this black man from Minnesota, from whom he had possibly sprung.

“Did Kermin know?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” she said. “He was so quiet. That was his way of getting through things. But he always knew more than he let on. I mean, how could he not know, right? You would look at you and you would look at us, and it was obvious that something had gone wrong.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“If you don’t want to believe, if you do enough not to believe, if you see a doctor and he tells you a whole other possibility. . then you believe what you want,” she said. “But your father. . he was so. . so patient . He loved you from the moment you were born. He always loved you, even when I couldn’t take care of you. Even when I fell apart. He never stopped loving you.”

“But,” Radar said, suddenly feeling dizzy. “But. . I’m not black anymore.”

“You’ve got to understand,” she said. “I became obsessed. I became obsessed for all the wrong reasons. .”

“So what happened?”

“I just got this idea in my head that there was a solution. Some kind of medical solution.”

“What do you mean, medical solution ? My father was black. What other solution could there be?”

“I didn’t see it like that. It was like that wasn’t an option. That was impossible. Everything else became possible. I was searching for the possible. And then we found these people. .”

“What people?”

“You’re going to hate me if I tell you.”

“I’m not going to hate you,” he said. “What people?”

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. “Well, we saw all these doctors, and no one could tell me what had happened to you. And then, out of the blue, I get this letter. And it was from these people. These scientists. They were in Norway. They said they could help us. And we shouldn’t have. . but we did.”

“Did what?”

“We took you there and. .” She grimaced. “And they electrocuted you.”

“I’m sorry, you what ?”

She took his hand. “Oh, Ray Ray, I didn’t think it would actually work! We were just there to — I don’t even know. But it did ! It did work! I mean, it made you look how you are now, but it also gave you everything else. Your epilepsy. Your hair. Everything .” She was losing it again. “And it was all. . all my idea. It was all my fault. . Oh, my sweet. My sweet . I’m such a bad person. I’m wicked. I’m such a wicked, selfish person.”

He was trying to understand. He no longer cared if she was falling apart or not. This was his life. This was about him. “I still don’t get it,” he said. “They electrocuted me? How?”

Hearing the hardness in his tone, she took a gulp of air and tried to bring herself back. “Your father, he would be—”

“My father?”

“ Kermin would’ve been able to explain it much better than I could, but they connected you to this machine, like a pulse generator. . This is what made me think of it, after all these years. And they zapped your skin. . I didn’t understand it all. But look, that’s the point— there was nothing wrong with you .”

“I was black.”

“You were perfect, honey. Kermin said this, he kept saying that you were just fine as you were, but I didn’t listen to him. I wasn’t listening to anyone. I told you, I got totally crazy with this idea that there was an answer that could make everything better, and then that answer became this thing that we did to you.” She paused. “I was terrified of being a failure. Of being a mother who couldn’t take care of you. Of anyone. And so I did this thing that was exactly the thing I didn’t want to do. That’s always been my problem: I figure out what’s exactly the worst thing to do, the thing that will ruin everything else, and then that’s what I do. It’s cowardice, is what it is. And after doing what I did to you. . for many years, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I hated myself so much, it hurt just to get up in the morning. But your father. . he always stuck by me. Even when I couldn’t bear living another day. He told me we still had you. And it was true. We had you. We have you. Oh .”

She reached out for him, but Radar got up, the clippings spilling across the floor. He went over to the bed and fell backwards onto the comforter. Breathing. Trying to let it settle. He stared up at the ceiling, recognizing the same pattern of cracks from his childhood. The cracks resembled a wounded whale. The whale had been wounded for many years. He could hear his mother sniffling on the floor below.

“So,” he said slowly. “So. . I was born black? Like actually black.”

“No,” she said. “You were born dark. Very dark. But that’s the point, honey: You’re weren’t black. You weren’t anything. You’re Radar! My Radar. You’ve always been my Radar. You’re perfect.”

He lay there, hearing her words drift over him. But instead of feeling a great and terrible anger, as he had first expected he might feel, he was filled with a terrific sense of lightness, as if his whole body were lifting off the ground.

“I’m black!” he whispered to the wounded whale.

“No,” Charlene cried. She came up to him on the bed. “You aren’t black.”

“I’m black!”

“You are not black, honey. That’s not what I meant to say. I meant to apologize . I meant to say that I’m sorry. . I’m so incredibly, incredibly sorry for what I did. I’ve managed to live, but only because I had to. I don’t think I can forgive myself. And. . and I don’t expect you to forgive me, either. But just know I love you. I’ve always loved you,” she said. “I can’t imagine my life without you.”