Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

No, no, says I , ’tis far from impossible, for I tell you ’tis so; and by this time being a little recover’d, I told her what Discourse my Husband and the Captain had had together, and what the Captain had said: This put Amy into such a Hurry, that she cry’d; she rav’d; she swore and curs’d like a Mad-thing; then she upbraided me, that I wou’d not let her kill the Girl when she wou’d have done it; and that it was all my own doing, and the like : Well however, I was not for killing the Girl yet, I cou’d not bear the Thoughts of that neither.

We spent half an Hour in these Extravagances, and brought nothing out of them neither; for indeed, we cou’d do nothing, or say nothing, that was to the Purpose; for if any-thing was to come out-of-the-way, [354] come out-of-the-way come amiss, go wrong. there was no hindring it, nor help for it; so after thus giving a Vent to myself by crying, I began to reflect how I had left my Spouse below, and what I had pretended to come up for; so I chang’d my Gown that I pretended the Candle fell upon, and put on another, and went down.

When I had been down a good-while, and found my Spouse did not fall into the Story again, as I expected, I took-heart, and call’d for it: My Dear, said I , the Fall of the Candle put you out of your History; won’t you go on with it? What History? says he : Why, says I , about the Captain: O! says he , I had done with it; I know no more, than that the Captain told a broken Piece of News that he had heard by halves, and told more by halves than he heard it; namely , of your being with-Child, and that you cou’d not go the Voyage.

I perceiv’d my Husband enter’d not into the thing at-all, but took it for a Story, which being told two or three times over, was puzzl’d, and come to nothing; and that all that was meant by it was, what he knew, or thought he knew already, viz . that I was with-Child, which he wish’d might be true.

His Ignorance was a Cordial to my Soul; and I curs’d them in my Thoughts, that shou’d ever undeceive him; and as I saw him willing to have the Story end there, as not worth being farther mention’d, I clos’d it too; and said , I suppos’d the Captain had it from his Wife; she might have found somebody else to make her Remarks upon, and so it pass’d off with my Husband well enough, and I was still safe there, where I thought myself in most Danger; but I had two Uneasinesses still; the first was, lest the Captain and my Spouse shou’d meet again, and enter into farther Discourse about it; and the second was, lest the busie impertinent Girl shou’d come again, and when she came, how to prevent her seeing Amy , which was an Article as material as any of the rest; for seeing Amy , wou’d have been as fatal to me, as her knowing all the rest.

As to the first of these, I knew the Captain cou’d not stay in Town above a Week; but that his Ship being already full of Goods, and fallen down the River, [355] fallen down the River : moved downstream. he must soon follow; so I contriv’d to carry my Husband somewhere out of Town for a few Days, that they might be sure not to meet.

My greatest Concern was, where we shou’d go; at last I fix’d upon North-Hall; [356] North-Hall : the common name at one time for the village of Northaw in Hertfordshire. During the reign of Charles II its mineral spring made Northaw a fashionable summer resort. In 1660 at Hampton Court Charles gave his permission for the spring to be called the King’s Well. not, I said , that I wou’d drink the Waters, but that, I thought the Air was good, and might be for my Advantage: He, who did every-thing upon-the Foundation of obliging me, readily came into it, and the Coach was appointed to be ready the next Morning; but as we were settling Matters, he put in an ugly [357] ugly : discomforting, awkward. Word that thwarted all my Design; and that was, That he had rather I wou’d stay till Afternoon, for that he shou’d’speak to the Captain next Morning, if he cou’d, to give him some Letters; which he cou’d do, and be back-again about Twelve a-Clock.

I said, Ay, by all means ; but it was but a Cheat on him, and my Voice and my Heart differ’d; for I resolv’d, if possible , he shou’d not come near the Captain, nor see him, whatever came of it.

In the Evening therefore, a little before we went to-Bed, I pretended to have alter’d my Mind, and that I wou’d not go to North-Hall , but I had a-mind to go another-way, but I told him , I was afraid his Business wou’d not permit him; he wanted to know where it was? I told him, smiling , I wou’d not tell him, lest it shou’d oblige him to hinder his Business: He answer’d , with the same Temper, but with infinitely more Sincerity , That he had no Business of so much Consequence, as to hinder him going with me any-where that I had a-mind to go: Yes , says I, you want to speak with the Captain before he goes away : Why that’s true, says he, so I do , and paus’d a-while; and then added , But I’ll write a Note to a Man that does Business for me, to go to him; ’tis only to get some Bills of Loading sign’d, and he can do it: When I saw I had gain’d my Point, I seem’d to hang back a little; my Dear, says I , don’t hinder an Hour’s Business for me; I can put it off for a Week or two, rather than you shall do yourself any Prejudice: No, no, says he , you shall not put it off an Hour for me, for I can do my Business by Proxy with any-body, but my WIFE; and then he took me in his Arms and kiss’d me : How did my Blood flush up into my Face! when I reflected how sincerely, how affectionately this good-humour’d Gentleman embrac’d the most cursed Piece of Hypocrisie that ever came into the Arms of an honest Man? His was all Tenderness, all Kindness, and the utmost Sincerity; Mine all Grimace [358] Grimace : pretence, sham. and Deceit; a Piece of meer Manage, [359] a Piece of meer Manage : an instance of sheer self-control. and fram’d Conduct, [360] fram’d Conduct : contrived behaviour. to conceal a pass’d Life of Wickedness, and prevent his discovering, that he had in his Arms a She-Devil, whose whole Conversation [361] Conversation : way of life. for twenty five Years had been black as Hell, a Complication of Crime; [362] a Complication of Crime : an entangled mass of crimes. and for which, had he been let into it, he must have abhor’d me, and the very mention of my Name: But there was no help for me in it; all I had to satisfie myself was, that it was my Business to be what I was, and conceal what I had been; that all the Satisfaction I could make him, was to live virtuously for the Time to come, not being able to retrieve what had been in Time past; and this I resolv’d upon, tho’ had the great Temptation offer’d, as it did afterwards, I had reason to question my Stability: But of that hereafter .

After my Husband had kindly thus given up his Measures to mine, we resolv’d to set-out in the Morning early; I told him , that my Project, if he lik’d it , was, to go to Tunbridge ; and he, being entirely passive in the thing, agreed to it with the greatest willingness; but said , If I had not nam’d Tunbridge , he wou’d have nam’d Newmarket; (there being a great Court there, and abundance of fine things to be seen) I offer’d him another Piece of Hypocrisie here, for I pretended to be willing to go thither, as the Place of his Choice , but indeed, I wou’d not have gone for a Thousand Pounds; for the COURT being there at that time, I durst not run the Hazard of being known at a Place where there were so many Eyes that had seen me before: So that, after some time , I told my Husband, that I thought Newmarket was so full of People at that time, that we shou’d get no Accommodation; that seeing the COURT, and the Crowd, was no Entertainment at-all to me, unless as it might be so to him; that if he thought fit, we wou’d rather put it off to another time; and that if, when he went to Holland , we shou’d go by Harwich , we might take a round by Newmarket and Bury , and so come down to Ipswich , and go from thence to the Sea-side: He was easily put-off from this, as he was from any-thing else, that I did not approve; and so with all imaginable Facility he appointed to be ready early in the Morning, to go with me for Tunbridge .