Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

It was now time, as I said before , to take Measures with my Husband, in order to put-off my Voyage; so I fell into Talk with him one Morning as he was dressing, and while I was in-Bed; I pretended I was very ill; and as I had but too easie a Way to impose upon him, because he so absolutely believ’d every-thing I said; so I manag’d my Discourse so, as that he should understand by it, I was a-breeding, tho’ I did not tell him so.

However, I brought it about so handsomely, that before he went out of the Room, he came and sat down by my Bed-side, and began to talk very seriously to me, upon the Subject of my being so every-Day ill; and that, as he hop’d I was with-Child, he wou’d have me consider well of it, whether I had not best alter my Thoughts of the Voyage to Holland ; for that being Sea-sick, and which was worse, if a Storm shou’d happen, might be very dangerous to me; and after saying abundance of the kindest things that the kindest of Husbands in the World cou’d say, he concluded, That it was his Request to me, that I wou’d not think any-more of going, till after all shou’d be over; but that I wou’d, on the contrary , prepare to Lye-in where I was, and where I knew as well as he, I cou’d be very well provided, and very well assisted.

This was just what I wanted; for I had, as you have heard , a thousand good Reasons why I shou’d put off the Voyage, especially , with that Creature in Company, but I had a-mind the putting it off shou’d be at his Motion, not my own; and he came into it of himself, just as I wou’d have had it: This gave me an Opportunity to hang-back a little, and to seem as if I was unwilling: I told him , I cou’d not abide to put him to Difficulties and Perplexities in his Business; that now he had hir’d the Great-Cabbin in the Ship, and perhaps , paid some of the Money, and, it may be , taken Freight for Goods; and to make him break it all off again, wou’d be a needless Charge to him, or perhaps , a Damage to the Captain.

As to that, he said , it was not to be nam’d, and he wou’d not allow it to be any Consideration at-all; that he cou’d easily pacific the Captain of the Ship, by telling him the Reason of it; and that if he did make him some Satisfaction for the Disappointment, it shou’d not be much.

But my Dear, says I , you ha’n’t heard me say I am with-Child, neither can I say so; and if it shou’d not be so at last, then I shall have made a fine Piece of Work of it indeed; besides, says I , the two Ladies, the Captain’s Wife, and her Sister, they depend upon our going over, and have made great Preparations, and all in Compliment to me; what must I say to them?

Well, my Dear, says he , if you shou’d not be with-Child, tho’ I hope you are, yet there is no harm done; the staying three or four Months longer in England will be no Damage to me, and we can go when we please, when we are sure you are not with-Child, or when it appearing that you are with-Child, you shall be down and up again; and as for the Captain’s Wife and Sister, leave that Part to me, I’ll answer for it, there shall be no Quarrel rais’d upon that Subject; I’ll make your Excuse to them by the Captain himself; so all will be well enough there, I’ll warrant you.

This was as much as I cou’d desire; and thus it rested for a-while: I had indeed, some anxious Thoughts about this impertinent Girl, but believ’d that putting off the Voyage wou’d have put an End to it all; so I began to be pretty easie; but I found myself mistaken, for I was brought to the Point of Destruction by her again, and that in the most unaccountable Manner imaginable.

My Husband, as he and I had agreed, meeting the Captain of the Ship, took the Freedom to tell him, That he was afraid he must disappoint him, for that something had fallen out, which had oblig’d him to alter his Measures, and that his Family cou’d not be ready to go, time enough for him.

I know the Occasion, Sir, says the Captain ; I hear your Lady has got a Daughter more than she expected; I give you Joy of it: What do you mean by that? says my Spouse : Nay, nothing, says the Captain , but what I hear the Women tattle over the Tea-Table; I know nothing, but that you don’t go the Voyage upon it, which I am sorry for; but you know your own Affairs, added the Captain , that’s no Business of mine.

Well but, says my Husband , I must make you some Satisfaction for the Disappointment, and so pulls out his Money: No, no, says the Captain , and so they fell to straining their Compliments one upon another; but, in short , my Spouse gave him three or four Guineas, and made him take it; and so the first Discourse went off again, and they had no more of it.

But it did not go off so easily with me; for now, in a word , the Clouds began to thicken about me, and I had Allarms on every side: My Husband told me what the Captain had said; but very happily took it, that the Captain had brought a Tale by-halves, [353] by-halves : imperfectly. and having heard it one way, had told it another; and that neither cou’d he understand the Captain, neither did the Captain understand himself; so he contented himself to tell me, he said , word for word, as the Captain deliver’d it.

How I kept my Husband from discovering my Disorder, you shall hear presently ; but let it suffice to say just now, that if my Husband did not understand the Captain, nor the Captain understand himself, yet I understood them both very well; and to tell the Truth, it was a worse Shock than ever I had had yet: Invention supply’d me indeed, with a sudden Motion to avoid showing my Surprize; for as my Spouse and I was sitting by a little Table, near the Fire, I reach’d out my Hand, as if I had intended to take a Spoon which lay on the other side, and threw one of the Candles off of the Table; and then snatching it up, started up upon my Feet, and stoop’d to the Lap of my Gown, and took it in my Hand; O! says I , my Gown’s spoil’d; the Candle has greas’d it prodigiously: This furnish’d me with an Excuse to my Spouse, to break off the Discourse for the present, and call Amy down; and Amy not coming presently, I said to him , My Dear, I must run upstairs, and put it off, and let Amy clean it a-little; so my Husband rise up too, and went into a Closet, where he kept his Papers and Books, and fetch’d a Book out, and sat down by himself, to read.

Glad I was that I had got away; and up I run to Amy , who, as it happen’d, was alone; O Amy! says I , we are all utterly undone; and with that, I burst out a-crying, and cou’d not speak a Word for a great-while.

I cannot help saying, that some very good Reflections offer’d themselves upon this Head; it presently occurr’d, What a glorious Testimony it is to the Justice of Providence, and to the Concern Providence has in guiding all the Affairs of Men, (even the least, as well as the greatest) that the most secret Crimes are, by the most unforeseen Accidents, brought to light, and discover’d.

Another Reflection was, How just it is, that Sin and Shame follow one-another so constantly at the Heels, that they are not like Attendants only, but like Cause and Consequence, necessarily connected one with another; that the Crime going before, the Scandal is certain to follow; and that ’tis not in the Power of humane Nature to conceal the first, or avoid the last.

What shall I do? Amy , said I, as soon as I cou’d speak ; and what will become of me? and then I cry’d again so vehemently, that I cou’d say no more a great-while; Amy was frighted almost out of her Wits, but knew nothing what the Matter was; but she begg’d to know, and perswaded me to compose myself, and not cry so: Why Madam, if my Master shou’d come up now, says she , he will see what a Disorder you are in; he will know you have been crying, and then he will want to know the Cause of it; with that I broke-out again, O! he knows it already, Amy, says I ; he knows all! ’tis all discover’d! and we are undone! Amy was Thunder-struck now indeed: Nay, says Amy , if that be true, we are undone indeed; but that can never be; that’s impossible, I’m sure.