Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

However, as I have said , her Talk made me dreadfully uneasie, and the more when the Captain’s Wife mention’d but the Name of Roxana ; what my Face might do towards betraying me, I know not, because I cou’d not see myself, but my Heart beat as if it wou’d have jump’d out at my Mouth; and my Passion was so great, that for want of Vent, I thought I shou’d have burst: In a word , I was in a kind of a silent Rage; for the Force I was under of restraining my Passion, was such, as I never felt the like of: I had no Vent; no-body to open myself to, or to make a Complaint to for my Relief; I durst not leave the Room by any means, for then she wou’d have told all the Story in my Absence, and I shou’d have been perpetually uneasie to know what she had said, or had not said; so that, in a word , I was oblig’d to sit and hear her tell all the Story of Roxana, that is to say , of myself, and not know at the same time, whether she was in earnest or in jest; whether she knew me or no; or, in short , whether I was to be expos’d, or not expos’d.

She began only in general, with telling where she liv’d; what a Place she had of it; [335] what a Place she had of it : what sort of position she had there. how gallant a Company her Lady had always had in the House; how they us’d to sit up all-Night in the House, gaming and dancing; what a fine Lady her Mistress was; and what a vast deal of Money the upper Servants got; as for her, she said , her whole Business was in the next House, so that she got but little; except one Night, that there was twenty Guineas given to be divided among the Servants, when, she said , she got two Guineas and a half for her Share.

She went on, and told them how many Servants there was, and how they were order’d; but, she said , there was one Mrs. Amy , who was over them all; and that she being the Lady’s Favourite, got a great-deal; she did not know, she said , whether Amy was her Christian Name, or her Sir-Name, but she suppos’d it was her Sir-Name; that they were told, she got threescore Pieces of Gold [336] Pieces of Gold : guineas; cf. note 23. at one time, being the same Night that the rest of the Servants had the twenty Guineas divided among them.

I put in at that Word, and said , ’twas a vast deal to give away; why, says I , ’twas a Portion for a Servant: O Madam! says she , it was nothing to what she got afterwards; we that were Servants, hated her heartily for it, that is to say , we wish’d it had been our Lott, in her stead: Then I said again , Why, it was enough to get her a good Husband, and settle her for the World, if she had Sence to manage it: So it might, to be sure , Madam, says she ; for we were told, she laid up above 500 l . But, I suppose , Mrs. Amy was too sensible that her Character wou’d require a good Portion to put her off. [337] Portion to put her off : dowry to dispose of her in marriage.

O, said I , if that was the Case, ’twas another thing.

Nay, says she , I don’t know, but they talk’d very much of a young Lord that was very great [338] great : intimate, ‘thick’. Johnson in the Dictionary calls it ‘a low word’. with her.

And pray what came of her at last? said I ; for I was willing to hear a little (seeing she wou’d talk of it) what she had to say, as well of Amy , as of myself.

I don’t know, Madam, said she , I never heard of her for several Years, till t’other Day I happen’d to see her.

Did you indeed! says I; (and made mighty strange of it) what, and in Rags, it may be, said I , that’s often the End of such Creatures.

Just the contrary, Madam, says she , She came to visit an Acquaintance of mine, little thinking, I suppose , to see me, and, I assure you , she came in her Coach.

In her Coach! said I ; upon my word she had made her Market then; I suppose she made Hay while the Sun shone ; was she marry’d, pray?

I believe she had been marry’d, Madam, says she , but it seems she had been at the East-Indies , and if she was marry’d, it was there, to be sure ; I think she said she had good luck in the Indies .

That is, I suppose, said I , had buried her Husband there.

I understand it so, Madam, says she , and that she had got his Estate.

Was that her good Luck? said I ; it might be good to her, as to the Money indeed, but it was but the Part of a Jade, to call it good Luck.

Thus far our Discourse of Mrs. Amy went, and no farther, for she knew no more of her; but then the QUAKER unhappily, tho’ undesignedly, put in a Question, which the honest goodhumour’d Creature wou’d have been far from doing, if she had known that I had carry’d on the Discourse of Amy , on purpose to drop Roxana out of the Conversation.

But I was not to be made easie too soon: The QUAKER put in, But I think thou said’st, something was behind of [339] behind of : still to be explained about. thy Mistress; what did’st thou call her, Roxana , was it not? Pray what became of her?

Ay, ay, Roxana, says the Captain’s Wife ; pray Sister let’s hear the Story of Roxana ; it will divert my Lady , I’m sure.

That’s a damn’d Lye, said I to myself ; if you knew how little ’twould divert me, you wou’d have too much Advantage over me: Well, I saw no Remedy, but the Story must come on, so I prepar’d to hear the worst of it.

Roxana! says she ; I know not what to say of her; she was so much above us, and so seldom seen, that we cou’d know little of her, but by Report, but we did sometimes see her too; she was a charming Woman indeed; and the Footmen us’d to say, that she was to be sent for to Court.

To Court, said I , why she was at Court, wa’n’t she? the Pallmall is not far from Whitehall . [340] the Pallmall is not far from Whitehall : Whitehall was the official royal residence in London until 1697, but Pall Mall was inhabited by many people (including Charles II’s mistress, Nell Gwynn) who were at court.

Yes, Madam, says she , but I mean another way.

I understand thee, says the QUAKER; Thou mean’st, I suppose , to be Mistress to the KING; yes, Madam, says she .

I cannot help confessing what a Reserve of Pride still was left in me; and tho’ I dreaded the Sequel of the Story, yet when she talk’d how handsome and how fine a Lady this Roxana was, I cou’d not help being pleas’d and tickl’d with it; and put in Questions two or three times, of how handsome she was? and was she really so fine a Woman as they talk’d of? and the like , on purpose to hear her repeat what the People’s Opinion of me was, and how I had behav’d.

Indeed, says she at last , she was a most beautiful Creature, as ever I saw in my Life: But then, said I , you never had the Opportunity to see her, but when she was set-out to the best Advantage.

Yes, yes, Madam, says she , I have seen her several times in her Dishabille , and I can assure you, she was a very fine Woman; and that which was more still, everybody said she did not paint. [341] paint : use make-up.

This was still agreeable to me one way; but there was a devilish Sting in the Tail of it all, and this last Article was one; wherein she said , she had seen me several times in my Dishabille : This put me in Mind, that then she must certainly know me, and it wou’d come out at last; which was Death to me but to think of.