Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

But I rous’d up my Judgment, and shook it off, and with infinite Uneasiness in my Mind, I sat down: You will not wonder, if upon this Surprize I was not conversible for some Minutes, and that the Disorder had almost discover’d itself; I had a Complication of severe things upon me; I cou’d not conceal my Disorder without the utmost Difficulty; and yet upon my concealing it, depended the whole of my Prosperity; so I us’d all manner of Violence with myself, to prevent the Mischief which was at the Door.

Well, I saluted her; but as I went first forward to the Captain’s Lady, who was at the farther-end of the Cabbin, towards the Light, I had the Occasion offer’d, to stand with my Back to the Light, when I turn’d about to her, who stood more on my Left-hand, so that she had not a fair Sight of me, tho’ I was so near her; I trembled, and knew neither what I did, or said; I was in the utmost Extremity, between so many particular Circumstances as lay upon me; for I was to conceal my Disorder from every-body, at the utmost Peril, and at the same time expected every-body wou’d discern it; I was to expect she wou’d discover that she knew me, and yet was, by all means possible, to prevent it; I was to conceal myself, if possible, and yet had not the least room to do any-thing towards it; in short , there was no retreat; no shifting anything off; no avoiding or preventing her having a full Sight of me; nor was there any counterfeiting my Voice, for then my Husband wou’d have perceiv’d it; in short , there was not the least Circumstance that offer’d me any Assistance, or any favourable thing to help me in this Exigence.

After I had been upon the Rack for near half an Hour, during which, I appear’d stiff and reserv’d, and a little too formal; my Spouse and the Captain fell into Discourses about the Ship, and the Sea, and Business remote from us Women, and by-and-by the Captain carry’d him out upon the Quarter-Deck, and left us all by ourselves, in the Great-Cabbin: Then we began to be a little freer one with another, and I began to be a little reviv’d, by a sudden Fancy of my own, namely , I thought I perceiv’d that the Girl did not know me; and the chief Reason of my having such a Notion, was, because I did not perceive the least Disorder in her Countenance, or the least Change in her Carriage; no Confusion, no Hesitation in her Discourse; nor , which I had my Eye particularly upon, did I observe that she fix’d her Eyes much upon me, that is to say , not singling me out to look steddily at me, as I thought wou’d have been the Case; but that she rather singl’d out my Friend the QUAKER, and chatted with her on several things; but I observ’d too, that it was all about indifferent Matters.

This greatly encourag’d me, and I began to be a little chearful; but I was knock’d down again as with a Thunder-Clap, when turning to the Captain’s Wife, and discoursing of me, she said to her , Sister, I cannot but think my Lady to be very much like such a Person, then she nam’d the Person ; and the Captain’s Wife said, she thought so too ; the Girl reply’d again, she was sure she had seen me before, but she cou’d not recollect where ; I answer’d, (tho’ her Speech was not directed to me) That I fancy’d she had not seen me before, in England, but ask’d, if she had liv’d in Holland , She said, No, no, she had never been out of England; and I added, That she cou’d not then have known me in England, unless it was very lately, for I had liv’d at Rotterdam a great while : This carry’d me out of that Part of the Broil, pretty well; and to make it go off the better, when a little Dutch Boy came into the Cabbin, who belong’d to the Captain, and who I easily perceiv’d to be Dutch , I jested, and talk’d Dutch to him, and was merry about the Boy, that is to say , as merry as the Consternation I was still in, wou’d let me be.

However, I began to be thorowly convinc’d by this time, that the Girl did not know me, which was an infinite Satisfaction to me; or, at least , that tho’ she had some Notion of me, yet that she did not think any-thing about my being who I was, and which perhaps, she wou’d have been as glad to have known, as I wou’d have been surpriz’d if she had; indeed it was evident, that had she suspected any-thing of the Truth, she would not have been able to have conceal’d it.

Thus this Meeting went off, and, you may be sure , I was resolv’d, if once I got off of it, she should never see me again, to revive her Fancy; but I was mistaken there too, as you shall hear . After we had been on-board, the Captain’s Lady carry’d us home to her House, which was but just on-shore, and treated us there again, very handsomely, and made us promise that we wou’d come again and see her before we went, to concert our Affairs for the Voyage, and the like ; for she assur’d us, that both she and her Sister went the Voyage at that time, for our Company; and I thought to myself, Then you’ll never go the Voyage at-all ; for I saw from that Moment, that it wou’d be no way convenient for my Ladyship to go with them; for that frequent Conversation might bring me to her Mind, and she wou’d certainly claim her Kindred to me in a few Days, as indeed, wou’d have been the Case.

It is hardly possible for me to conceive what wou’d have been our Part in this Affair, had my Woman Amy gone with me on-board this Ship; it had certainly blown-up the whole Affair, and I must for-ever after have been this Girl’s Vassal, that is to say , have let her into the Secret, and trusted to her keeping it too, or have been expos’d, and undone; the very Thought fill’d me with Horror .

But I was not so unhappy neither, as it fell out, for Amy was not with us, and that was my Deliverance indeed; yet we had another Chance to get over still: As I resolv’d to put off the Voyage, so I resolv’d to put off the Visit, you may be sure’ ;, going upon this Principle, namely , that I was fix’d in it, that the Girl had seen her last of me, and shou’d never see me more.

However, to bring myself well off, and withal to see (if I cou’d) a little farther into the Matter, I sent my Friend, the QUAKER, to the Captain’s Lady, to make the Visit promis’d, and to make my Excuse that I cou’d not possibly wait on her, for that I was very much out of Order; and in the end of the Discourse, I bade her insinuate to them, that she was afraid I shou’d not be able to get ready to go the Voyage, so soon as the Captain wou’d be oblig’d to go; and that perhaps we might put it off to his next Voyage: I did not let the QUAKER into any other Reason for it, than that I was indispos’d; and not knowing what other Face to put upon that Part, I made her believe that I thought I was a-breeding.

It was easie to put that into her Head, and she of course hinted to the Captain’s Lady, that she found me so very ill, that she was afraid I wou’d miscarry; and then, to be sure , I cou’d not think of going.

She went, and she manag’d that Part very dexterously, as I knew she wou’d , tho’ she knew not a word of the grand Reason of my Indisposition; but I was all sunk, and dead-hearted again, when she told me, She cou’d not understand the Meaning of one thing in her Visit, namely , That the young Woman, as she call’d her , that was with the Captain’s Lady, and who she call’d Sister, was most impertinently inquisitive into things; as who I was? How long I had been in England ? Where I had liv’d? and the like ; and that, above all the rest , she enquir’d if I did not live once at the other end of the Town.