Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

But the Girl was such a Fool for-all that, and persisted in it obstinately, notwithstanding all they cou’d say to her; nay, her Sister begg’d and intreated her not to play the Fool, for that it wou’d ruin her too; and that the Lady (meaning Amy) wou’d abandon them both.

Well, notwithstanding this, she insisted, I say , upon it, and which was worse, the longer it lasted, the more she began to drop Amy’s Ladyship, and wou’d have it, that the Lady Roxana was her Mother; and that she had made some Enquiries about it, and did not doubt but she shou’d find her out.

When it was come to this, and we found there was nothing to be done with the Girl, but that she was so obstinately bent upon the Search after me, that she ventur’d to forfeit all she had in view; I say , when I found it was come to this, I began to be more serious in my Preparations of my going beyond-Sea; and particularly, it gave me some reason to fear that there was something in it; but the following Accident put me beside all my Measures, and struck me into the greatest Confusion that ever I was in, in my Life.

I was so near going Abroad, that my Spouse and I had taken Measures for our going-off; and because I wou’d be sure not to go too publick, but so as to take away all Possibility of being seen, I had made some Exception to my Spouse against going in the ordinary publick Passage-Boats; my Pretence to him, was, the promiscuous [322] promiscuous : indiscriminately mixed (in social class). Crowds in those Vessels; want of Convenience, and the like ; so he took the Hint, and found me out an English Merchant-Ship, which was bound for Rotterdam , and getting soon acquainted with the Master, he hir’d his whole Ship, that is to say , his Great-Cabbin, for I do not mean his Ship for Freight; that so we had all the Conveniences possible, for our Passage; and all things being near ready, he brought home the Captain one Day to Dinner with him, that I might see him, and be acquainted a little with him; so we came, after Dinner, to talk of the Ship, and the Conveniences on-board, and the Captain press’d me earnestly to come on-board, and see the Ship, intimating, That he wou’d treat us as well as he cou’d; and in Discourse I happen’d to say, I hop’d he had no other Passengers; he said , No, he had not; but, he said , his Wife had courted him a good-while to let her go over to Holland with him, for he always us’d that Trade, but he never cou’d think of venturing all he had in one Bottom; but if I went with him, he thought to take her and her Kinswoman along with him this Voyage, that they might both wait upon me; and so added , that if we wou’d do him the Honour to Dine on-board the next Day, he wou’d bring his Wife on-board, the better to make us welcome.

Who now cou’d have believ’d the Devil had any Snare at the Bottom of all this? or that I was in any Danger on such an Occasion, so remote and out of the way as this was? But the Event was the oddest that cou’d be thought of: As it happen’d, Amy was not at-home when we accepted this Invitation, and so she was left out of the Company; but instead of Amy , we took our honest, good-humour’d, never-to-be-omitted Friend the QUAKER, one of the best Creatures that ever liv’d , sure; and who, besides a thousand good Qualities unmix’d with one bad one, was particularly Excellent for being the best Company in the World; tho’ I think I had carry’d Amy too, if she had not been engag’d in this unhappy Girl’s Affair; for on a sudden the Girl was lost, and no News was to be heard of her, and Amy had hunted her to every Place she cou’d think of, that it was likely to find her in, but all the News she cou’d hear of her, was, That she was gone to an old Comerade’s House of hers, which she call’d Sister, and who was marry’d to a Master of a Ship who liv’d at Redriff, [323] Redriff : Rotherhithe (commonly called Redriff in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries), an area on the south bank of the Thames between Bermondsey and Dept-ford, long inhabited by seafarers (including Swift’s Gulliver). and even this the Jade never told me: It seems when this Girl was directed by Amy to get her some Breeding, go to the Boarding-School, and the like , she was recommended to a Boarding-School at Camberwell , and there she contracted an Acquaintance with a young Lady (so they are all call’d) her Bedfellow, that they call’d Sisters, and promis’d never to break off their Acquaintance.

But judge you what an unaccountable Surprize I must be in, when I came on-board the Ship, and was brought into the Captain’s Cabbin, or, what they call it , the Great-Cabbin of the Ship, to see his Lady or Wife, and another young Person with her, who, when I came to see her near-hand, was my old Cook-Maid in the Pallmall , and as appear’d by the Sequel of the Story, was neither more or less, than my own Daughter; that I knew her, was out of Doubt; for tho’ she had not had Opportunity to see me very often, yet I had often seen her, as I must needs , being in my own Family so long.

If ever I had need of Courage, and a full Presence of Mind, it was now; it was the only valuable Secret in the World to me; all depended upon this Occasion; if the Girl knew me, I was undone; and to discover [324] discover : show. any Surprize or Disorder, had been to make her know me, or guess it, and discover herself. [325] discover herself : maker herself known, reveal her feelings.

I was once going to feign a swooning, and faint-away, and so falling on the Ground, or Floor, put them all into a Hurry and Fright, and by that means get an Opportunity to be continually holding something to my Nose to smell to, and so hold my Hand, or my Handkerchief, or both, before my Mouth; then pretend I cou’d not bear the Smell of the Ship, or the closeness of the Cabbin; but that wou’d have been only to remove into a clearer Air upon the Quarter-Deck, where we shou’d with it, have had a clearer Light too; and if I had pretended the Smell of the Ship, it wou’d have serv’d only to have carry’d us all on-Shoar, to the Captain’s House, which was hard-by; for the Ship lay so close, to the Shore, that we only walk’d over a Plank to go on-board, and over another Ship which lay within her; [326] within her : between her and the shore. so this not appearing feasible, and the Thought not being two Minutes old, there was no time; for the two Ladies rise up, and we saluted, so that I was bound to come so near my Girl , as to kiss her, which I wou’d not have done, had it been possible to have avoided it; but there was no room to escape.

I cannot but take Notice here, that notwithstanding there was a secret Horror upon my Mind, and I was ready to sink when I came close to her, to salute her; yet it was a secret inconceivable Pleasure to me when I kiss’d her, to know that I kiss’d my own Child; my own Flesh and Blood, born of my Body; and who I had never kiss’d since I took the fatal Farewel of them all, with a Million of Tears, and a Heart almost dead with Grief, when Amy and the Good Woman took them all away, and went with them to Spittle-Fields; . No Pen can describe, no Words can express, I say , the strange Impression which this thing made upon my Spirits; I felt something shoot thro’ my Blood; my Heart flutter’d; my Head flash’d, and was dizzy, and all within me, as I thought , turn’d about, and much ado I had, not to abandon myself to an Excess of Passion at the first Sight of her, much more when my Lips touch’d her Face; I thought I must have taken her in my Arms, and kiss’d her again a thousand times, whether I wou’d or no.