Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

I confess I cou’d not hear all this without being mov’d very much, and yet I continued a little stiff and formal too, a good-while: I told him , that before I cou’d give him any Reply to the rest of his Discourse, I ought to give him the Satisfaction of telling him, that his Son was alive ; and that indeed, since I saw him so concern’d about it, and mention it with such Affection, I was sorry that I had not found out some Way or other to let him know it sooner; but that I thought, after his slighting the Mother, as above , he had summ’d up his Affection to the Child, in the Letter he had wrote to me about providing for it; and that he had, as other Fathers often do, look’d upon it as a Birth, which being out of the Way , was to be forgotten, as its Beginning was to be repented of; that in providing sufficiently for it, he had done more than all such Fathers us’d to do, and might be well satisfied with it.

He answer’d me, that he shou’d have been very glad if I had been so good, but to have given him the Satisfaction of knowing the poor unfortunate Creature was yet alive, and he wou’d have taken some Care of it upon himself, and particularly, by owning it for a legitimate Child, which, where no-body had known to the contrary, wou’d have taken off the Infamy which wou’d otherwise cleave to it; and so the Child shou’d not, itself , have known any-thing of its own Disaster; but that he fear’d it was now too late.

He added , that I might see by all his Conduct since that, what unhappy Mistake drew him into the thing at first; and that he wou’d have been very far from doing the Injury to me, or being instrumental to add Une Miserable , (that was his Word) to the World, if he had not been drawn into it, by the Hopes he had of making me his own; but that, if it was possible to rescue the Child from the Consequences of its unhappy Birth, he hop’d I wou’d give him leave to do it, and he wou’d let me see that he had both Means and Affection still to do it; and that, notwithstanding all the Misfortunes that had befallen him, nothing that belong’d to him, especially by a Mother he had such a Concern for, as he had for me, shou’d ever want what he was in a Condition to do for it.

I cou’d not hear this without being sensibly touch’d with it; I was asham’d that he shou’d show that he had more real Affection for the Child, tho’ he had never seen it in his Life, than I that bore it; for indeed, I did not love the Child, nor love to see it; and tho’ I had provided for it, yet I did it by Amy’s Hand, and had not seen it above twice in four Years; being privately resolv’d that when it grew up, it shou’d not be able to call me Mother.

However, I told him , the Child was taken Care of, and that he need not be anxious about it, unless he suspected, that I had less Affection for it than he, that had never seen it in his Life; that he knew what I had promis’d him to do for it, namely , to give it the Thousand Pistoles which I had offer’d him, and which he had declin’d; that, I assur’d him , I had made my Will, and that I had left it 5000 l . and the Interest of it till he shou’d come of Age, if I died before that time; that I wou’d still be as good as that to it; but if he had a-mind to take it from me, into his Government, I wou’d not be against it; and to satisfie him that I wou’d perform what I said, I wou’d cause the Child to be deliver’d to him, and the 5000 l . also for its Support; depending upon it, that he wou’d show himself a Father to it, by what I saw of his Affection to it, now.

I had observ’d that he had hinted two or three times in his Discourse, his having had Misfortunes in the World , and I was a little surpriz’d at the Expression, especially at the repeating it so often, but I took no Notice of that Part yet.

He thank’d me for my Kindness to the Child, with a Tenderness which shew’d the Sincerity of all he had said before; and which encreas’d the Regret with which, as I said , I look’d back on the little Affection I had shew’d to the poor Child; he told me , he did not desire to take him from me, but so as to introduce him into the World as his own; which he cou’d still do, having liv’d absent from his other Children (for he had two Sons and a Daughter which were brought up at Nimeugen [258] Nimeugen : Nijmegen. in Holland , with a Sister of his) so long, that he might very well send another Son of ten Years old to be bred up with them; and suppose his Mother to be dead or alive, as he found Occasion; and that as I had resolv’d to do so handsomely for the Child, he wou’d add to it something considerable, tho’ having had some great Disappointments, (repeating the Words) he cou’d not do for it as he wou’d otherwise have done.

I then thought myself oblig’d to take Notice of his having so often mention’d his having met with Disappointments ; I told him, I was very sorry to hear he had met with any-thing afflicting to him in the World; that I wou’d not have any-thing belonging to me, add to his Loss, or weaken him in what he might do for his other Children; and that I wou’d not agree to his haying the Child away, tho’ the Proposal was infinitely to the Child’s Advantage , unless he wou’d promise me, that the whole Expence shou’d be mine; and that if he did not think 5000 l . enough for the Child, I wou’d give it more.

We had so much Discourse upon this, and the old Affairs , that it took up all our Time at his first Visit; I was a little importunate with him, to tell me how he came to find me out, but he put it off for that time; and only obtaining my Leave to visit me again, he went away; and indeed, my Heart was so full with what he had said already, that I was glad when he went away; sometimes I was full of Tenderness and Affection for him, and especially, when he express’d himself so earnestly and passionately about the Child; other-times I was crowded with Doubts about his Circumstances; sometimes I was terrify’d with Apprehensions, lest if I shou’d come into a close Correspondence with him, he shou’d any-way come to hear what kind of Life I had led at Pall-Mall , and in other Places, and it might make me miserable afterwards; from which last Thought I concluded, that I had better repulse him again, than receive him: All these Thoughts, and many more, crowded in so fast, I say , upon me, that I wanted to give Vent to them, and get rid of him, and was very glad when he was gone away.

We had several Meetings after this, in which still we had so many Preliminaries to go through, that we scarce ever border’d upon the main Subject; once indeed, he said something of it, and I put it off with a kind of a Jest; alas! says I , those things are out of the Question now; ’tis almost two Ages since those things were talk’d between us, says I ; you see I am grown an Old-Woman since that: Another time he gave a little Push at it again, and I laugh’d again; Why what dost thou talk of , said I, in a formal way, Dost thou not see I am turn’d QUAKER? I cannot speak of those things now: Why , says he, the QUAKERS marry as well as other People, and love one-another as well; besides, says he , the QUAKERS Dress does not ill-become you, and so jested with me again, and so it went off for a third time; however , I began to be kind to him in process of time, as they call it , and we grew very intimate; and if the following Accident had not unluckily interven’d, I had certainly married him, or consented to marry him, the very next time he had ask’d me.

I had long waited for a Letter from Amy , who it seems, was just at that time gone to Roan the second time, to make her Enquiries about him; and I receiv’d a Letter from her at this unhappy Juncture, which gave me the following Account of my Business.