Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

When my Gentleman came to me the next time, I had no Notion of [267] no Notion of : no fancy for, no inclination to see. him; I wish’d I had never receiv’d him at-all; in short , I resolv’d to have no more to say to him; so I feign’d myself indispos’d; and tho’ I did come down to him, and speak to him a little, yet I let him see that I was so ill, that I was (as we say) no Company, and that it wou’d be kind in him to give me Leave to quit him for that time.

The next Morning he sent a Footman to enquire how I did; and I let him know, I had a violent Cold, and was very ill with it; two Days after, he came again, and I let him see me again, but feign’d myself so hoarse, that I cou’d not speak to be heard; and that it was painful to me but to whisper; and, in a word , I held him in this suspence near three Weeks.

During this time, I had a strange Elevation upon my Mind; and the Prince, or the Spirit of him , had such a Possession of me, that I spent most of this Time in the reallizing all the Great Things of a Life with the Prince , to my Mind; pleasing my Fancy with the Grandeur I was supposing myself to enjoy; and withal, wickedly studying in what Manner to put off this Gentleman, and be-rid of him for-ever.

I cannot but say, that sometimes the Baseness of the Action stuck hard with me; the Honour and Sincerity with which he had always treated me; and, above all , the Fidelity he had shew’d me at Paris , and that I ow’d my Life to him; I say , all these star’d in my Face; and I frequently argued with myself upon the Obligation I was under, to him; and how base wou’d it be, now too, after so many Obligations and Engagements , to cast him off?

But the Title of Highness , and of a Princess , and all those fine things, as they came in, weigh’d down all this; and the Sence of Gratitude vanish’d, as if it had been a Shadow .

At other times, I consider’d the Wealth I was Mistress of; that I was able to live like a Princess, tho’ not a Princess; and that my Merchant (for he had told me all the Affair of his Misfortunes) was far from being poor, or even mean; that together, we were able to make up an Estate of between three and four Thousand Pounds a Year, which was in itself, equal to some Princes abroad: But tho’ this was true, yet the Name of Princess , and the flutter of it, in a word , the Pride weigh’d ’em down; and all these Arguings generally ended to the Disadvantage of my Merchant; so that, in short , I resolv’d to drop him, and give him a final Answer, at his next coming; namely , That something had happen’d in my Affairs, which had caus’d me to alter my Measures, unexpectedly; and, in a word , to desire him to trouble himself no farther.

I think verily, this rude Treatment of him, was for some time, the Effect of a violent Fermentation [268] Fermentation : agitation. in my Blood; for the very Motion which the steddy Contemplation of my fancy’d Greatness had put my Spirits [269] my Spirits : Distilled from the blood and circulating throughout the body, particularly through the nerves, the animal spirits were thought of as highly refined particles controlling man’s rational faculties. If disrupted or agitated the spirits would cause severe nervous disorders or death. See Introduction, pp. 18–21. into, had thrown me into a kind of Fever, and I scarce knew what I did.

I have wonder’d since, that it did not make me Mad; nor do I now think it strange, to hear of those, who have been quite Lunatick with their Pride; that fancy’d themselves Queens, and Empresses, and have made their Attendants serve them upon the Knee; given Visitors their Hand to kiss, and the like ; for cetainly, if Pride will not turn the Brain, nothing can.

However, the next time my Gentleman came, I had not Courage enough, or not Ill-Nature enough , to treat him in the rude Manner I had resolv’d to do; and it was very well I did not; for soon after, I had another Letter from Amy , in which was the mortifying News, and indeed, surprizing to me, that my Prince (as I with a secret Pleasure had call’d him) was very much hurt by a Bruise he had receiv’d in hunting (and engaging with) a wild Boar; a cruel and desperate Sport, which the Noblemen of Germany , it seems, much delight in.

This alarm’d me indeed, and the more, because Amy wrote me word, that his Gentleman was gone away Express to him, not without Apprehensions, that he shou’d find his Master was dead, before his coming home; but that he [the Gentleman] had promis’d her, that as soon as he arriv’d, he wou’d send back the same Courier to her, with an Account of his Master’s Health, and of the main Affair; and that he had oblig’d Amy to stay at Paris fourteen Days for his Return; she having promis’d him before, to make it her Business to go to England , and to find me out for his Lord, if he sent her such Orders; and he was to send her a Bill for fifty Pistoles, for her Journey: So Amy told me she waited for the Answer.

This was a Blow to me several Ways; for first , I was in a State of Uncertainty as to his Person, whether he was alive or dead; and I was not unconcern’d in that Part, I assure you; for I had an inexpressible Affection remaining for his Person, besides the Degree to which it was reviv’d by the View of a firmer Interest in him; but this was not all ; for in losing him, I for-ever lost the Prospect of all the Gayety and Glory, that had made such an Impression upon my Imagination.

In this State of Uncertainty, I say , by Amy’s Letter, I was like still, to remain another Fortnight; and had I now continued the Resolution of using my Merchant in the rude Manner I once intended, I had made, perhaps, a sorry Piece of Work of it indeed, and it was very well my Heart fail’d me, as it did .

However, I treated him with a great-many Shuffles, [270] Shuffles : evasive tricks. and feign’d Stories, to keep him off from any closer Conferences than we had already had, that I might act afterwards as Occasion might offer, one way or another: But that which mortified me most, was, that Amy did not write, tho’ the fourteen Days was expir’d; at last, to my great Surprize, when I was, with the utmost Impatience, looking out at the Window, expecting the Postman, that usually brought the Foreign Letters; I say , I was agreeably surpriz’d to see a Coach come to the Yard-Gate where we liv’d, and my Woman, Amy , alight out of it, and come towards the Door, having the Coachman bringing several Bundles after her.

I flew like Lightning down-stairs, to speak to her; but was soon damp’d with her News: Is the Prince alive or dead, Amy? says I : She spoke coldly, and slightly: He is alive, Madam , said she, but it is not much Matter, I had as-lief he had been dead ; so we went up-stairs again to my Chamber, and there we began a serious Discourse of the whole Matter.

First, she told me a long Story of his being hurt by a Wild-Boar; and of the Condition he was reduc’d to, so that every-one expected he shou’d die, the Anguish of the Wound having thrown him into a Fever; with abundance of Circumstances, too long to relate here; how he recover’d of that extreme Danger, but continued very weak; how the Gentleman had been Homme de Parole , and had sent back the Courier, as punctually, as if it had been to the KING; that he had given a long Account of his Lord, and of his Illness, and Recovery; but the sum of the Matter, as to me , was, That as to the Lady, his Lord was turn’d Penitent; was under some Vows for his Recovery, and cou’d not think any-more on that Affair; and especially, the Lady being gone, and that it had not been offer’d to her, so there was no Breach of Honour; but that his Lord was sensible of the good Offices of Mrs. Amy , and had sent her the fifty Pistoles for her Trouble, as if she had really gone the Journey.