Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

I stood up, but was confounded with a sudden Enquiry in my Thoughts, how I shou’d receive him? and with a Resolution as swift as Lightning, in Answer to it, said to myself , It shall be COLDLY; so, on a sudden, I put on an Air of Stiffness and Ceremony, and held it for about two Minutes; but it was with great Difficulty.

He restrain’d himself too, on the other-hand, came towards me gravely, and saluted me in Form; [254] saluted me in Form : greeted me formally. but it was, it seems, upon his supposing the QUAKER was behind him, whereas she, as I said , understood things too well, and had retir’d, as if she had vanish’d, that we might have full Freedom; for, as she said afterwards , she suppos’d we had seen one-another before, tho’ it might have been a great-while ago.

Whatever Stiffness I had put on my Behaviour to him, I was surpriz’d in my Mind, and angry at his, and began to wonder what kind of a ceremonious Meeting it was to be: However, after he perceiv’d the Woman was gone, he made a kind of a Hesitation, looking a little round him; Indeed , said he, I thought the Gentlewoman was not withdrawn , and with that, he took me in his Arms, and kiss’d me three or four times; but I that was prejudic’d to the last Degree, with the coldness of his first Salutes, when I did not know the Cause of it, cou’d not be thorowly clear’d of the Prejudice, tho’ I did know the Cause; and thought that even his return, and taking me in his Arms, did not seem to have the same Ardour with which he us’d to receive me, and this made me behave to him awkwardly, and I know not how , for a good-while; but this by the way .

He began with a kind of an Extasie upon the Subject of his finding me out; how it was possible that he shou’d have been four Years in England , and had us’d all the Ways imaginable, and cou’d never so much as have the least Intimation of me, or of any-one like me; and that it was now above two Years that he had despair’d of it, and had given over all Enquiry; and that now he shou’d chop upon [255] chop upon : chance upon, run into. me, as it were, unlook’d and unsought-for.

I cou’d easily have accounted for his not finding me, if I had but set down the Detail of my real Retirement; but I gave it a new, and indeed, a truly hypocritical Turn; I told him, that any-one that knew the manner of Life I led, might account for his not finding me; that the Retreat I had taken up, wou’d have render’d it a hundred Thousand to one odds that he ever found me at-all; that as I had abandon’d all Conversation; [256] Conversation : society. taken up another Name; liv’d remote from London , and had not preserv’d one Acquaintance in it; it was no wonder he had not met with me; that even my Dress wou’d let him see, that I did not desire to be known by any-body.

Then he ask’d if I had not receiv’d some Letters from him? I told him, No, he had not thought fit to give me the Civility of an Answer to the last I wrote to him; and he cou’d not suppose I shou’d expect a Return, after a Silence in a Case where I had laid myself so low, and expos’d myself in a Manner I had never been us’d to; that indeed, I had never sent for any Letters after that, to the Place where I had order’d his to be directed; and that being so justly, as I thought, punish’d for my Weakness, I had nothing to do, but to repent of being a Fool, after I had strictly adher’d to a just Principle before: That however, as what I did was rather from Motions of Gratitude, than from real Weakness, however it might be construed by him, I had the Satisfaction in myself of having fully discharg’d the Debt: I added , that I had not wanted Occasions of all the seeming Advancements which the pretended Felicity of a Marriage-Life was usually set-off with, and might have been what I desir’d not to name; but that, however low I had stoop’d to him, I had maintain’d the Dignity of Female Liberty, against all the Attacks, either of Pride or Avarice; and that I had been infinitely oblig’d to him for giving me an Opportunity to discharge the only Obligation that endanger’d me, without subjecting me to the Consequence; and that I hop’d he was satisfied I had paid the Debt, by offering myself to be chain’d; but was infinitely Debtor to him another way, for letting me remain free.

He was so confounded at this Discourse, that he knew not what to say, and for a good-while he stood mute indeed; but recovering himself a little, he said , I run-out into a Discourse he hop’d was over, and forgotten, and he did not intend to revive it; that he knew I had not had his Letters, for that, when he first came to England , he had been at the Place to which they were directed, and found them all lying there, but one; and that the People had not known how to deliver them; that he thought to have had a Direction there, how to find me, but had the Mortification to be told, that they did not so much as know who I was; that he was under a great Disappointment, and that I ought to know, in Answer to all my Resentments , that he had done a long, and (he hop’d) a sufficient Pennance for the Slight that I had suppos’d he had put upon me; that it was true, (and I cou’d not suppose any other) that upon the Repulse I had given him in a Case so circumstanc’d as his was, and after such earnest Entreaties, and such Offers as he had made me, he went away with a Mind heartily griev’d, and full of Resentment; that he had look’d back on the Crime he had committed, with some Regret, but on the Cruelty of my Treatment of the poor Infant I went with at that time, with the utmost Detestation; and that this made him unable to send an agreeable Answer to me; for which Reason he had sent none at-all for some time; but that in about six or seven Months those Resentments wearing off by the return of his Affection to me, and his Concern in the poor Child – there he stopp’d, and indeed, Tears stood in his Eyes, while in a Parenthesis , he only added, and to this Minute he did not know whether it was dead or alive ; he then went on, those Resentments wearing off, he sent me several Letters, I think he said , seven or eight, but receiv’d no Answer; that then his Business obliging him to go to Holland , he came to England , as in his Way, but found, as above , that his Letters had not been call’d for, but that he left them at the House after paying the Postage of them; and going then back to France , he was yet uneasie, and cou’d not refrain the Knight-Errantry of coming to England again to seek me, tho’ he knew neither where, or of who, to enquire for me, being disappointed in all his Enquiries before: That he had yet taken up his Residence here, firmly believing, that one-time or other he shou’d meet me, or hear of me, and that some kind Chance wou’d at last throw him in my Way; that he had liv’d thus above four Years, and tho’ this Hopes were vanish’d, yet he had not any Thoughts of removing any more in the World, unless it shou’d be at last, as it is with other old Men, he might have some Inclination to go Home, to die in his own Country; but that he had not thought of it yet; that if I wou’d consider all these Steps, I wou’d find some Reasons to forget his first Resentments, and to think that Pennance, as he call’d it , which he had undergone in search of me, an Amende Honorable , [257] Amende Honorable : public apology, reparation. in Reparation of the Affront given to the Kindness of my Letter of Invitation; and that we might at last make ourselves some Satisfaction on both sides, for the Mortifications past.