Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

During this Interval of five Weeks, I suffer’d a hundred Thousand Perplexities of Mind; I was thorowly convinc’d I was right as to the Person, that it was the Man; I knew him so well, and saw him so plain, I cou’d not be deceiv’d: I drove out again in the Coach, (on Pretence of Air) almost every-Day, in hopes of seeing him again, but was never so lucky as to see him; and now I had made the Discovery, I was as far to seek what Measures to take, as I was before.

To send to him, or speak to him first, if I shou’d see him, so as to be known to him, that I resolv’d not to do, if I dy’d for it; to watch him about his Lodging, that was as much below my Spirit as the other; so that, in a word , I was at a perfect Loss how to act, or what to do.

At length came Amy ’s Letter, with the last Account which she had at Roan , from the Dutch Skipper, which confirming the other, left me out of Doubt that this was my Man ; but still, no humane [252] humane : human. Invention cou’d bring me to the Speech of him, in such a manner as wou’d suit with my Resolutions; for, after all , how did I know what his Circumstances were? whether marry’d or single? and if he had a Wife, I know he was so honest a Man, he wou’d not so much as converse with me, or so much as know me, if he met me in the Street.

In the next Place, as he had entirely neglected me, which, in short, is the worst Way of slighting a Woman, and had given no Answer to my Letters, I did not know but he might be the same Man still; so I resolv’d, that I cou’d do nothing in it, unless some fairer Opportunity presented, which might make my Way clearer to me; for I was determin’d he shou’d have no room to put any more Slights upon me.

In these Thoughts I pass’d away near three Months; till at last, (being impatient) I resolv’d to send for Amy to come Over, and tell her how things stood, and that I wou’d do nothing till she came; Amy in Answer sen me word, she wou’d come away with all speed, but begg’d of me, that I wou’d enter into no Engagement with him, or any-body, till she arriv’d; but still keeping me in the dark, as to the thing itself, which she had to say, at which I was heartily vex’d, for many Reasons.

But while all these things were transacting, and Letters and Answers pass’d between Amy and I a little slower than usual, at which I was not so well pleas’d as I us’d to be with Amy ’s Dispatch; I say , in this time the following Scene open’d.

It was one Afternoon, about four a-Clock, my Friendly QUAKER and I sitting in her Chamber up-stairs, and very chearful, chatting together, (for she was the best Company in the World) when somebody ringing hastily at the Door, and no Servant just then in the way, she ran down herself , to the Door; when a Gentleman appears with a Footman attending, and making some Apologies, which she did not thorowly understand, he speaking but broken English ; he ask’d to speak with me, by the very same Name that I went by in her House; which, by the way , was not the Name that he had known me by.

She, with very civil Language, in her way , brought him into a very handsome Parlour below-stairs, and said , she wou’d go and see whether the Person who lodg’d in her House own’d that Name, and he shou’d hear farther.

I was a little surpriz’d, even before I knew anything of who it was, my Mind foreboding the thing as it happen’d; (whence that arises, let the Naturalists [253] Naturalists : students of nature, scientists. Roxana ironically suggests that scientists would be unable to explain a metaphysical phenomenon. explain to us) but I was frighted, and ready to die, when my QUAKER came up all gay, and crowing; There , says she, is the Dutch French Merchant come to see Thee : I cou’d not speak one Word to her, nor stir off of my Chair, but sat as motionless as a Statue: She talk’d a thousand pleasant things to me, but they made no Impression on me; at last she pull’d me, and teiz’d me, Come, come , says she, be thy self, and rouze up , I must go down again to him; what shall I say to him? say, said I , that you have no such-body in the House: That I cannot do, says she, because it is not the Truth ; besides, I have own’d Thou art above; Come, come, go down with me ; not for a thousand Guineas, said I , well, says she , I’ll go and tell him Thou wilt come quickly; so, without giving me Time to answer her, away she goes.

A Million of Thoughts circulated in my Head while she was gone, and what to do I cou’d not tell; I saw no Remedy but I must speak with him, but wou’d have given 500 l . to have shun’d it; yet, had I shun’d it, perhaps then, I wou’d have given 500 l . again, that I had seen him: Thus fluctuating, and unconcluding, were my Thoughts; what I so earnestly desir’d, I declin’d when it offer’d itself; and what now I pretended to decline, was nothing but what I had been at the Expense of 40 or 50 l . to send Amy to France for; and even without any View, or indeed, any rational Expectation of bringing it to pass; and what, for half a Year before, I was so un-easie about, that I cou’d not be quiet Night or Day, till Amy propos’d to go over to enquire after him: In short, my Thoughts were all confus’d, and in the utmost Disorder; I had once refus’d and rejected him, and I repented it heartily; then I had taken ill his Silence, and in my Mind rejected him again, but had repented that too: Now I had stoop’d so low as to send after him into France , which if he had known, perhaps, he had never come after me; and shou’d I reject him a third time! On the other-hand, he had repented too in his Turn, perhaps, and not knowing how I had acted, either in stooping to send in Search after him, or in the wickeder Part of my Life, was come over hither to seek me again; and I might take him perhaps, with the same Advantages as I might have done before, and wou’d I now be backward to see him! Well, while I was in this Hurry, my Friend the QUAKER, comes up again, and perceiving the Confusion I was in, she runs to her Closet, and fetch’d me a little pleasant Cordial, but I wou’d not taste it: O says she, I understand Thee, be not uneasie, I’ll give thee something shall take off all the Smell of it; if he kisses Thee a thousand times, he shall be no wiser , I thought with myself, Thou art perfectly acquainted with Affairs of this Nature, I think you must govern me now, so I began to incline to go down with her; upon that, I took the Cordial, and she gave me a kind of spicey Preserve after it, whose Flavour was so strong, and yet so deliciously pleasant, that it wou’d cheat the nicest Smelling, and it left not the least taint of the Cordial on the Breath.

Well, after this, (tho’ with some Hesitation still) I went down a Pair of Back-stairs with her, and into a Dining-Room, next to the Parlour in which he was; but there I halted, and desir’d she wou’d let me consider of it a little: Well, do so , says she, and left me with more readiness than she did before; do, consider, and I’ll come to Thee again .

Tho’ I hung back with an awkwardness that was really unfeign’d, yet when she so readily left me, I thought it was not so kind, and I began to think she should have press’d me still on to it; so foolishly backward are we, to the thing, which of all the World we most desire; mocking ourselves with a feign’d Reluctance, when the Negative wou’d be Death to us; but she was too cunning for me, for while I, as it were, blam’d her in my Mind, for not carrying me to him, tho’ at the same time I appear’d backward to see him; on a sudden she unlocks the Folding-Doors, which look’d into the next Parlour, and throwing them open, There , says she, (ushering him in) is the Person who, I suppose, thou enquirest for , and the same Moment, with a kind Decency she retir’d, and that so swift, that she wou’d not give us leave, hardly, to know which Way she went.