Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

I was not pleas’d with this Part at-all, for I had no-mind to let him go neither; and yet I had no-mind to give him such hold of me as he wou’d have had; and thus I was in a kind of suspence, irresolute, and doubtful what Course to take.

I was in the House with him, as I have observ’d, and I saw evidently that he was preparing to go back to Paris ; and particularly, I found he was remitting Money to Paris , which was, as I understood afterwards, to pay for some Wines which he had given Order to have bought for him, at Troyes in Champagne ; and I knew not what Course to take; and besides that, I was very loth to part with him; I found also, that I was with-Child by him, which was what I had not yet told him of; and sometimes I thought not to tell him of it at-all; but I was in a strange Place, and had no Acquaintance, tho’ I had a great deal of Substance, which indeed, having no Friends there, was the more dangerous to me.

This oblig’d me to take him one Morning, when I saw him, as I thought, a little anxious about his going, and irresolute; says I to him, I fancy you can hardly find in your Heart to leave me now : The more unkind is it in you , said he, severely unkind, to refuse a Man that knows not how to part with you .

I am so far from being unkind to you, said I , that I will go all over the World with you, if you desir’d me, except to Paris , where you know I can’t go.

It is pity so much Love, said he , on both Sides, shou’d ever separate.

Why then, said I , do you go away from me?

Because, said he , you won’t take me.

But if I won’t take you, said I , you may take me, anywhere, but to Paris .

He was very loth to go any-where, he said , without me; but he must go to Paris , or to the East-Indies .

I told him I did not use to court, [176] did not use to court : was not trying to flatter. but I durst venture myself to the East-Indies with him, if there was a Necessity of his going.

He told me, God be thank’d, he was in no Necessity of going any-where, but that he had a tempting Invitation to go to the Indies .

I answer’d, I wou’d say nothing to that; but that I desir’d he wou’d go any-where but to Paris ; because there he knew I must not go.

He said he had no Remedy, but to go where I cou’d not go; for he cou’d not bear to see me, if he must not have me.

I told him, that was the unkindest thing he cou’d say of me, and that I ought to take it very ill, seeing I knew how very well to oblige him to stay, without yielding to what he knew I cou’d not yield to.

This amaz’d him, and he told me, I was pleas’d to be mysterious; but, that he was sure it was in no-body’s Power to hinder him going, if he resolv’d upon it, except me; who had Influence enough upon him to make him do any-thing.

Yes, I told him , I cou’d hinder him, because I knew he cou’d no more do an unkind thing by me, than he cou’d do an unjust one; and to put him out of his Pain, I told him I was with-Child.

He came to me, and taking me in his Arms, and kissing me a Thousand times almost, said, Why wou’d I be so unkind, not to tell him that before?

I told him, ’twas hard , that, to have him stay, I shou’d be forc’d to do as Criminals do to avoid the Gallows, plead my Belly ; and that I thought I had given him Testimonies enough of an Affection equal to that of a Wife; if I had not only lain with him; been with-Child by him; shewn myself unwilling to part with him; but offer’d to go to the East-Indies with him; and except One Thing that I cou’d not grant, what cou’d he ask more?

He stood mute a good-while; but afterwards told me, he had a great-deal more to say, if I cou’d assure him, that I wou’d not take ill whatever Freedom he might use with me in his Discourse.

I told him, he might use any Freedom in Words with me; for a Woman who had given Leave to such other Freedoms, as I had done, had left herself no room to take any-thing ill, let it be what it wou’d.

Why then, he said , I hope you believe, Madam, I was born a Christian, and that I have some Sence of Sacred Things upon my Mind; when I first broke-in upon my own Virtue, and assaulted yours; when I surpriz’d, and, as it were, forc’d you to that which neither you intended, or I design’d, but a few Hours before, it was upon a Presumption that you wou’d certainly marry me, if once I cou’d go that Length with you; and it was with an honest Resolution to make you my Wife.

But I have been surpriz’d with such a Denial, that no Woman in such Circumstances ever gave to a Man; for certainly it was never known, that any Woman refus’d to marry a Man that had first lain with her, much less a Man that had gotten her with-Child; but you go upon different Notions from all the World; and tho’ you reason upon it so strongly, that a Man knows hardly what to answer, yet I must own, there is something in it shocking to Nature, and something very unkind to yourself; but above all, it is unkind to the Child that is yet unborn; who, if we marry, will come into the World with Advantage enough, but if not, is ruin’d before it is born; must bear the eternal Reproach of what it is not guilty of; must be branded from its Cradle with a Mark of Infamy; be loaded with the Crimes and Follies of its Parents, and suffer for Sins that it never committed: This I take to be very hard, and indeed cruel to the poor Infant not yet born, who you cannot think of, with any Patience, if you have the common Affection of a Mother, and not do that for it, which shou’d at once place it on a Level with the rest of the World; and not leave it to curse its Parents for what also we ought to be asham’d of: I cannot, therefore, says he , but beg and intreat you, as you are a Christian, and a Mother, not to let the innocent Lamb you go with, be ruin’d before it is born, and leave it to curse and reproach us hereafter, for what may be so easily avoided.

Then, dear Madam, said he , with a World of Tenderness, (and I thought I saw Tears in his Eyes) allow me to repeat it, that I am a Christian, and consequently I do not allow what I have rashly, and without due Consideration, done; I say, I do not approve of it as lawful; and therefore tho’ I did, with a View I have mention’d, one unjustifiable Action, I cannot say, that I cou’d satisfie myself to live in a continual Practice of what, in Judgement, we must both condemn; and tho’ I love you above all the Women in the World, and have done enough to convince you of it, by resolving to marry you after what has pass’d between us, and by offering to quit all Pretensions to any Part of your Estate, so that I shou’d, as it were, take a Wife after I had lain with her, and without a Farthing Portion; which, as my Circumstances are, I need not do; I say, notwithstanding my Affection to you, which is inexpressible, yet I cannot give up Soul as well as Body, the Interest of this World, and the Hopes of another; and you cannot call this my Disrespect to you.

If ever any Man in the World was truly valuable for the strictest honesty of Intention, this was the Man ; and if ever Woman in her Senses rejected a Man of Merit, on so trivial and frivolous a Pretence, I was the Woman ; but surely it was the most preposterous thing that ever Woman did.

He would have taken me as a Wife, but would not entertain me as a Whore; was ever Woman angry with any Gentleman on that head? and was ever Woman so stupid to choose to be a Whore, where she might have been an honest Wife? But Infatuations are next to being possess’d of the Devil; I was inflexible, and pretended [177] pretended : ventured, tried. to argue upon the Point of a Woman’s Liberty, as before; but he took me short, and with more Warmth than he had yet us’d with me, tho’ with the utmost Respect; reply’d, Dear Madam, you argue for Liberty at the same time that you restrain yourself from that Liberty, which God and Nature has directed you to take; and to supply the Deficiency, propose a vicious Liberty, which is neither honourable or religious; will you propose Liberty at the Expence of Modesty?