Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

I return’d, that he mistook me; I did not propose it; I only said, that those that cou’d not be content without concerning the Sexes in that Affair, might do so indeed; might entertain a Man as Men do a Mistress, if they thought fit, but he did not hear me say I wou’d do so; and tho’, by what had pass’d, he might well censure me in that Part, yet he should find, for the future, that I should freely converse with him without any Inclination that way.

He told me, he cou’d not promise that for himself, and thought he ought not to trust himself with the Opportunity; for that, as he had fail’d already, he was loth to lead himself into the Temptation of offending again; and that this was the true Reason of his resolving to go back to Paris ; not that he cou’d willingly leave me, and would be very far from wanting my Invitation; but if he could not stay upon Terms that became him, either as an honest Man, or a Christian, what cou’d he do? and he hop’d, he said , I cou’d not blame him, that he was unwilling any thing that was to call him Father, shou’d upbraid him with leaving him in the World, to be call’d Bastard; adding, that he was astonish’d to think how I could satisfie myself to be so cruel to an innocent Infant, not yet born; profess’d he cou’d neither bear the Thoughts of it, much less bear to see it, and hop’d I wou’d not take it ill that he cou’d not stay to see me Deliver’d, for that very Reason.

I saw he spoke this with a disturb’d Mind, and that it was with some Difficulty that he restrain’d his Passion; so I declin’d any farther Discourse upon it; only said, I hop’d he.wou’d consider of it: O Madam! says he, Do not bid me consider , ’tis for you to consider ; and with that he went out of the Room, in a strange kind of Confusion, as was easie to be seen in his Countenance.

If I had not been one of the foolishest, as well as wickedest Creatures upon Earth, I cou’d never have acted thus; I had one of the honestest compleatest Gentlemen upon Earth, at my hand; he had in one Sence sav’d my Life, but he had sav’d that Life from Ruin in a most remarkable Manner; he lov’d me even to Distraction, and had come from Paris to Rotterdam , on purpose to seek me; he had offer’d me Marriage, even after I was with-Child by him, and had offer’d to quit all his Pretensions to my Estate, and give it up to my own Management, having a plentiful Estate of his own: Here I might have settled myself out of the reach even of Disaster itself; his Estate and mine, wou’d have purchas’d even then above two Thousand Pounds a Year, and I might have liv’d like a Queen, nay, far more happy than a Queen; and which was above all, I had now an Opportunity to have quitted a Life of Crime and Debauchery, which I had been given up to for several Years, and to have sat down quiet in Plenty and Honour, and to have set myself apart to the Great Work, which I have since seen so much Necessity of and Occasion for; I mean that of Repentance.

But my Measure of Wickedness was not yet full; [178] my Measure of Wickedness was not yet full : possibly an echo of Matthew 23:31–2. I continued obstinate against Matrimony, and yet I cou’d not bear the Thoughts of his going away neither; as to the Child, I was not very anxious about it; I told him, I wou’d promise him that it shou’d never come to him to upbraid him with its being illegitimate; that if it was a Boy, I wou’d breed it up like the Son of a Gentleman, and use it well for his sake; and after a little more such Talk as this, and seeing him resolv’d to go I retir’d, but cou’d not help letting him see the Tears run down my Cheeks; he came to me, and kiss’d me, entreated me, conjur’d me by the Kindness he had shewn me in my Distress; by the Justice he had done me in my Bills and Money-Affairs; by the Respect which made him refuse a Thousand Pistoles from me for his Expences with that Traytor, the Jew ; by the Pledge of our Misfortunes, so he call’d it , which I carry’d with me; and by all that the sincerest Affection cou’d propose to do, that I wou’d not drive him away.

But it wou’d not do; I was stupid and senceless, deaf to all his Importunities, and continued so to the last; so we parted, only desiring me to promise that I would write him word when I was Deliver’d, and how he might give me an Answer; and this I engag’d my Word I would do; and upon his desiring to be inform’d which Way I intended to dispose of myself, I told him, I resolv’d to go directly to England , and to London , where I propos’d to Lye-in; but since he resolv’d to leave me, I told him, I suppos’d it wou’d be of no Consequence to him, what became of me.

He lay in his Lodgings that Night, but went away early in the Morning, leaving me a Letter, in which he repeated all he had said, recommended the Care of the Child, and desir’d of me, that as he had remitted to me the Offer of a Thousand Pistoles, which I wou’d have given him for the Recompence of his Charges and Trouble with the Jew , and had given it me back; so he desir’d I wou’d allow him to oblige me to set apart that Thousand Pistoles, with its Improvement, for the Child, and for its Education; earnestly pressing me to secure that little Portion for the abandon’d Orphan, when I shou’d think fit, as he was sure I wou’d , to throw away the rest upon something as worthless as my sincere Friend at Paris ; he concluded with moving me to reflect with the same Regret as he did, on our Follies we had committed together; ask’d me Forgiveness for being the Agressor in the Fact; and forgave me every-thing, he said , but the Cruelty of refusing him, which he own’d he cou’d not forgive me so heartily as he shou’d do, because he was satisfied it was an Injury to myself; would be an Introduction to my Ruin; and that I wou’d seriously repent of it; he foretold some fatal things, which, he said , he was well assur’d I shou’d fall into; and that, at last I wou’d be ruin’d by a bad Husband; bid me be the more wary, that I might render him a False Prophet; but to remember, that if ever I came into Distress, I had a fast-Friend at Paris , who wou’d not upbraid me with the unkind things past, but wou’d be always ready to return me Good for Evil.

This Letter stunn’d me; I cou’d not think it possible for any-one, that had not dealt with the Devil, to write such a Letter; for he spoke of some particular things which afterwards were to befal me, with such an Assurance, that it frighted me before-hand; and when those things did come to pass, I was perswaded he had some more than humane Knowledge; in a word, his Advices to me to repent, were very affectionate; his Warnings of Evil to happen to me, were very kind; and his Promise of Assistance, if I wanted him, were so generous, that I have seldom seen the like; and tho’ I did not at first set much by that Part, because I look’d upon them as what might not happen, and as what was improbable to happen at that time; yet all the rest of his Letter was so moving, that it left me very melancholly, and I cry’d four and twenty Hours after, almost, with out ceasing, about it; and yet, even all this while, whatever it was that bewitch’d me, I had not one serious Wish that I had taken him; I wish’d heartily indeed, that I cou’d have kept him with me; but I had mortal Aversion to marrying him, or indeed, any-body else; but form’d a thousand wild Notions in my Head, that I was yet gay enough, and young, and handsome enough to please a Man of Quality; and that I wou’d try my Fortune at London , come of it what wou’d.

Thus blinded by my own Vanity, I threw away the only Opportunity I then had, to have effectually settl’d my Fortunes, and secur’d them for this World; and I am a Memorial to all that shall read my Story; a standing Monument of the Madness and Distraction which Pride and Infatuations from Hell runs us into; how ill our Passions guide us; and how dangerously we act, when we follow the Dictates of an ambitious Mind.