Олдос Хаксли - Antic Hay

'But I know all about love already. I know precious little still about kidneys.'

'But, my good Shearwater, how can you know all about love before you've made it with all women?'

'Off we goes, me and the cop and the 'orse, up in front of the police–court magistrate….'

'Or are you one of those imbeciles,' Mrs Viveash went on, 'who speak of women with a large W and pretend we're all the same? Poor Theodore here might possibly think so in his feebler moments.' Gumbril smiled vaguely from a distance. He was following the man with the teacup into the magistrate's stuffy court. 'And Mercaptan certainly does, because all the women who ever sat on his dix–huitième sofa certainly were exactly like one another. And perhaps Casimir does too; all women look like his absurd ideal. But you, Shearwater, you're intelligent. Surely you don't believe anything so stupid?'

Shearwater shook his head.

'The cop, 'e gave evidence against me. "Limping in all four feet," 'e says. "It wasn't," I says, and the police–court vet, 'e bore me out. "The 'orse 'as been very well treated," 'e says. "But 'e's old, 'e's very old." "I know 'e's old," I says. "But where am I goin' to find the price for a young one?"'

' x 2– y 2,' Shearwater was saying, '=( x + y )( x – y ). And the equation holds good whatever the values of x and y …. It's the same with your love business, Mrs Viveash. The relation is still fundamentally the same, whatever the value of the unknown personal quantities concerned. Little individual tics and peculiarities—after all, what do they matter?'

'What indeed!' said Coleman. 'Tics, mere tics. Sheep ticks, horse ticks, bed bugs, tape worms, taint worms, guinea worms, liver flukes….'

'"The 'orse must be destroyed," says the beak. "'E's too old for work." "But I'm not," I says. "I can't get a old age pension at thirty–two, can I? 'Ow am I to earn my living if you take away what I earns my living by?"'

Mrs Viveash smiled agonizingly. 'Here's a man who thinks personal peculiarities are trivial and unimportant,' she said. 'You're not even interested in people, then?'

'"I don't know what you can do," 'e says. "I'm only 'ere to administer the law." "Seems a queer sort of law," I says. "What law is it?"'

Shearwater scratched his head. Under his formidable black moustache he smiled at last his ingenuous, childish smile. 'No,' he said. 'No, I suppose I'm not. It hadn't occurred to me, until you said it. But I suppose I'm not. No.' He laughed, quite delighted, it seemed, by this discovery about himself.

'"What law is it?" 'e says. "The Croolty to Animals law. That's what it is," 'e says.'

The smile of mockery and suffering appeared and faded. 'One of these days,' said Mrs Viveash, 'you may find them more absorbing than you do now.'

'Meanwhile,' said Shearwater…

'I couldn't find a job 'ere, and 'aving been workin' on my own, my own master like, couldn't get unemployment pay. So when we 'eard of jobs at Portsmouth, we thought we'd try to get one, even if it did mean walkin' there.'

'Meanwhile, I have my kidneys.'

'"'Opeless," 'e says to me, "quite 'opeless. More than two hundred come for three vacancies." So there was nothing for it but to walk back again. Took us four days it did, this time. She was very bad on the way, very bad. Being nearly six months gone. Our first it is. Things will be 'arder still, when it comes.'

From the black bundle there issued a sound of quiet sobbing.

'Look here,' said Gumbril, making a sudden irruption into the conversation. 'This is really too awful.' He was consumed with indignation and pity; he felt like a prophet in Nineveh.

'There are two wretched people here,' and Gumbril told them breathlessly what he had overheard. It was terrible, terrible. 'All the way to Portsmouth and back again; on foot; without proper food; and the woman's with child.'

Coleman exploded with delight. 'Gravid,' he kept repeating, 'gravid, gravid. The laws of gravidy, first formulated by Newton, now recodified by the immortal Einstein. God said, Let Newstein be, and there was light. And God said, Let there be Light; and there was darkness o'er the face of the earth.' He roared with laughter.

Between them they raised five pounds. Mrs Viveash undertook to give them to the black bundle. The cabmen made way for her as she advanced; there was an uncomfortable silence. The black bundle lifted a face that was old and worn, like the face of a statue in the portal of a cathedral; an old face, but one was aware, somehow, that it belonged to a woman still young by the reckoning of years. Her hands trembled as she took the notes, and when she opened her mouth to speak her hardly articulate whisper of gratitude, one saw that she had lost several of her teeth.

The party disintegrated. All went their ways: Mr Mercaptan to his rococo boudoir, his sweet barocco bedroom in Sloane Street; Coleman and Zoe towards goodness only knew what scenes of intimate life in Pimlico; Lypiatt to his studio off the Tottenham Court Road, alone, silently brooding and perhaps too consciously bowed with unhappiness. But the unhappiness, poor Titan! was real enough, for had he not seen Mrs Viveash and the insufferable, the stupid and loutish Opps driving off in one taxi? 'Must finish up with a little dancing,' Myra had huskily uttered from that death–bed on which her restless spirit for ever and wearily exerted itself. Obediently, Bruin had given an address and they had driven off. But after the dancing? Oh, was it possible that that odious, bad–blooded young cad was her lover? And that she should like him? It was no wonder that Lypiatt should have walked, bent like Atlas under the weight of a world. And when, in Piccadilly, a belated and still unsuccessful prostitute sidled out of the darkness, as he strode by unseeing in his misery when she squeaked up at him a despairing 'Cheer up, duckie,' Lypiatt suddenly threw up his head and laughed titanically, with the terrible bitterness of a noble soul in pain. Even the poor drabs at the street corners were affected by the unhappiness that radiated out from him, wave after throbbing wave, like music, he liked to fancy, into the night. Even the wretched drabs. He walked on, more desperately bowed than ever; but met no further adventure on his way.

Gumbril and Shearwater both lived in Paddington; they set off in company up Park Lane, walking in silence. Gumbril gave a little skip to get himself into step with his companion. To be out of step, when steps so loudly and flat–footedly flapped on empty pavements, was disagreeable, he found, was embarrassing, was somehow dangerous. Stepping, like this, out of time, one gave oneself away, so to speak, one made the night aware of two presences, when there might, if steps sounded in unison, be only one, heavier, more formidable, more secure than either of the separate two. In unison, then, they flapped up Park Lane. A policeman and the three poets, sulking back to back on their fountain, were the only human things besides themselves under the mauve electric moons.

'It's appalling, it's horrible,' said Gumbril at last, after a long, long silence, during which he had, indeed, been relishing to the full the horror of it all. Life, don't you know.

'What's appalling?' Shearwater inquired. He walked with his big head bowed, his hands clasped behind his back and clutching his hat; walked clumsily, with sudden lurches of his whole massive anatomy. Wherever he was, Shearwater always seemed to take up the space that two or three ordinary people would normally occupy. Cool fingers of wind passed refreshingly through his hair. He was thinking of the experiment he meant to try, in the next few days, down at the physiological laboratory. You'd put a man on an ergometer in a heated chamber and set him to work—hours at a time. He'd sweat, of course, prodigiously. You'd make arrangements for collecting the sweat, weighing it, analyzing it and so on. The interesting thing would be to see what happened at the end of a few days. The man would have got rid of so much of his salts, that the blood composition might be altered and all sorts of delightful consequences might follow. It ought to be a capital experiment. Gumbril's exclamation disturbed him. 'What's appalling?' he asked rather irritably.