F. Anstey - Voces Populi

Second S. M. Ah, well ( with vague consolation ), I shall always know where to find you, I suppose.

First S. M. ( brightening visibly ). Oh dear, yes; I sha'n't be far away.

A Suburban Lady ( to Female Friend ). Oh dear, how stupid of me! I quite forgot to bring a pencil! Oh, thank you, dear, that will do beautifully . It's just a little blunt; but so long as I can mark with it, you know. You don't think we should avoid the crush if we began at the end room? Well, perhaps it is less confusing to begin at the beginning, and work steadily through.

First Visitor ( after devoting his whole mind to the subject ). Why, it's the Bottom of the Sea – at least ( more cautiously ), that's what it seems to be intended for.

Second V. Ah, and very well done, too. I wonder, now, how he managed to stay down long enough to paint all that?

Third V. Practice, I suppose. I've seen writing done under water myself. But that was a tank!

Fourth V. ( presumably in profound allusion to the fishes and sea-anemones ). Well, they seem to be 'aving it all their own way down there, don't they?

The Suburban Lady ( her pencil in full play ). No. 93. Now what's that about? Oh, " Forbidden Sweets ," – yes, to be sure. Isn't that charming? Those two dear little tots having their tea, and the kitten with its head stuck in the jam-pot, and the label and all, and the sticky spoon on the nursery table-cloth – so natural! I really must mark that. ( Awards this distinction. ) 97. " Going up Top. " Yes, of course . Look, Lucy dear, that little fellow has just answered a question, and his master tells him he may go to the top of the class, do you see ? And the big boy looking so sulky, he's wishing he had learnt his lesson better. I do think it's so clever – all the different expressions. Yes, I shall certainly mark that!

The S. L. ( doubtfully ). H'm, No. 156. " Cloud Chariots "? Not very like chariots, though, are they?

Her Friend. I expect it's one of those sort of pictures that you have to look at a long time, and then things gradually come out of it, you know.

The S. L. It may be. ( Tries the experiment. ) No, I can't make anything come out – only just clouds and their reflections. ( Struggling between good-nature and conscientiousness. ) I don't think I can mark that.

A Matron ( before Mr. Dicksee's "Tannhäuser" ). " Venus and Tannhäuser " – ah, and is that Venus on the stretcher? Oh, that's her all on fire in the background. Then which is Tannhäuser, and what are they all supposed to be doing? [ In a tone of irritation.

Her Nephew. Oh, it tells you all about it in the Catalogue – he meets her funeral, you know, and leaves grow on his stick.

The Matron ( pursing her lips ). Oh, a dead person .

First Person, with an "Eye for Art" ( before "Psyche's Bath," by the President ). Not bad, eh?

Second Person, &c. No, I rather like it. ( Feels that he is growing too lenient ). He doesn't give you a very good idea of marble, though.

First P. &c. No — that's not marble, and he always puts too many folds in his drapery to suit me .

First P. &c. Just what I always say. It's not natural, you know.

A Fiancé ( halting before a sea-scape, by Mr. Henry Moore, to Fiancée). Here, I say, hold on a bit – what's this one?

Fiancée ( who doesn't mean to waste the whole afternoon over pictures ). Why, it's only a lot of waves — come on!

The Suburban L. Lucy, this is rather nice. "Breakfasts for the Porth! " ( Pondering ). I think there must be a mistake in the Catalogue – I don't see any breakfast things – they're cleaning fish, and what's a "Porth!" Would you mark that – or not?

Her Comp. Oh, I think so.

The S. L. I don't know. I've marked such a quantity already and the lead won't hold out much longer. Oh, it's by Hook, R.A. Then I suppose it's sure to be all right. I've marked it, dear.

Duet by Two Dreadfully Severe Young Ladies, who paint a little on China . Oh, my dear , look at that. Did you ever see such a thing? Isn't it too perfectly awful ? And there's a thing! Do come and look at this horror over here. A " Study ," indeed. I should just think it was ! Oh, Maggie, don't be so satirical, or I shall die! No, but do just see this – isn't it killing? They get worse and worse every year, I declare!

Two Prosaic Persons come upon a little picture, by Mr. Swan, of a boy lying on a rock, piping to fishes.

First P. P. That's a rum thing!

Second P. P. Yes, I wasn't aware myself that fishes were so partial to music.

First P. P. They may be – out there – ( perceiving that the boy is unclad ) – but it's peculiar altogether – they look like herrings to me.

Second P. P. Yes – or mackerel. But ( tolerantly ) I suppose it's a fancy subject.

An Old Lady ( who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, halts approvingly before a picture of a female orphan ). Now that really is a nice picture, my dear – a plain black dress and white cuffs – just what I like to see in a young person!

The S. L. ( her enthusiasm greatly on the wane, and her temper slightly affected ). Lucy, I wish you wouldn't worry so – it's quite impossible to stop and look at everything . If you wanted your tea as badly as I do! Mark that one? What, when they neither of them have a single thing on! Never, Lucy, – and I'm surprised at your suggesting it! Oh, you meant the next one? h'm – no, I can't say I care for it. Well, if I do mark it, I shall only put a tick – for it really is not worth a cross!

The Man who always makes the Right Remark. H'm. Haven't seen anything I could carry away with me.

His Flippant Friend. Too many people about, eh? Never mind, old chap, you may manage to sneak an umbrella down stairs – I won't say anything!