F. Anstey - Voces Populi

The Obl. Broker ( whispering beerily in his ear ). Seen anythink yet as takes your fancy, Sir; 'cos, if so —

Mr. M. Knew you'd think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to be – the " Boot-Black ," or " Mixture as Before "?

Auct. Now we come to Lot 19. Massive fluted column in coral marble with revolving-top – a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself.

The Facetious Bidder ( after a scrutiny ). Then it may as well mention, while it's about it, that it's got a bit out of its back!

Auct. Flaw in the marble, that's all. ( To Assist.) Nothing the matter with the column, is there?

Assist. ( with reluctant candour ). Well, it 'as got a little chipped, Sir.

Auct. ( easily ). Oh, very well then, we'll sell it "A. F." Very glad it was found out in time, I'm sure. [ Bidding proceeds.

First Dealer to Second ( in a husky whisper ). Talkin' o' Old Masters, I put young 'Anway up to a good thing the other day.

Second D. ( without surprise – probably from a knowledge of his friend's noble unselfish nature ). Ah – 'ow was that?

First D. Well, there was a picter as I 'appened to know could be got in for a deal under what it ought – in good 'ands, mind yer – to fetch. It was a Morlan' – leastwise, it was so like you couldn't ha' told the difference, if you understand my meanin'. ( The other nods with complete intelligence. ) Well, I 'adn't no openin' for it myself just then, so I sez to young 'Anway, "You might do worse than go and 'ave a look at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and see that picter?" "Yes," sez he, "and what's more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" "Well," sez I, "and ain't yer goin' to shake 'ands with me over it ?"

Second D. ( interested ). And did he?

First D. Yes, he did – he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will say that for him.

Second D. Oh, 'Anway's a very decent little feller — now .

Auct. ( hopefully ). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot'll tempt you, I' m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic group out of the " Merchant of Venice ," Othello in the act of smothering Desdemona , both nearly life-size. (Assist., with a sardonic inflection . " Group 'ere, Gen'lm'n !") What shall we say for this great work by Roccocippi, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just to start us?

The F. B. Can't you put the two figgers up separate?

Auct. You know better than that – being a group, Sir. Come, come, any one give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure of Othello very finely finished, Gentlemen.

The F. B. I should ha' thought it was her who was the finely finished one of the two.

Auct. ( pained by this levity ). Really, Gentlemen, do 'ave more appreciation of a 'igh-class work like this!.. Twenty-five guineas?.. Nonsense! I can't put it up at that.

Second Disinterested Dealer ( to First D. D., in an undertone ). I wouldn't tell every one, but I shouldn't like to see you stay 'ere and waste your time; so, in case you was thinking of waiting for that last lot, I may just as well mention —

First D. D. Ah, it's that way, is it? Much obliged to you for the 'int. But I'd do the same for you any day.

Second D. D. I'm sure yer would!

Auct. Now 'ere's a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. " Nymph eating Oysters " (" Nymph 'ere, Gen'lm'n! "), by the celebrated Italian artist Vabene, one of the finest works of Art in this room, and they're all exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is a truly work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? ( Silence. ) Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than that ? Come, don't be afraid of it. Make a beginning. ( Bidding starts. ) Forty-five guineas. Forty-six — pounds . Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable specimen of modern Italian Art. Forty-six and a 'arf. Only forty-six ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman's collection, a figure like this would. Forty-seven pounds — guineas ! and a 'arf… Forty-seven and a 'arf guineas… For the last time! Bidding with you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a 'arf – Gone! Name, Sir, if you please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you.

Proud Purchaser ( to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance ). You see, I must have something for that grotto I've got in the grounds.

His Friend. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have a gaslight fitted in the oyster-shell.

P. P. ( thoughtfully ). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes – we'll see.

The Obl. Broker ( pursuing the Am. Spect.). I 'ope, Sir, you'll remember me, next time you're this way.

The Am. Spect. ( who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of whom he has never heard ). I'm afraid I sh'an't have very much chance of forgetting you. Good afternoon!

A Thrifty Visitor ( on entering ). Catalogue? No. What's the use of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you nothing you don't know!

His Wife ( indicating a pile of Catalogues on table ). Aren't these big enough for you?

The Thr. V. Those? Why they're big enough for the London Directory ! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place? You don't really want a Catalogue – it's all your fancy!

Mr. Prattler ( to Miss Ammerson). Oh, do stop and look at these sweet goldfish! Pets! Don't you love them? Aren't they tame?

Miss Ammerson. Wouldn't do to have them wild – might jump out and bite people, you know!

Mr. P. It's too horrid of you to make fun of my poor little enthusiasms! But really, – couldn't we get something and feed them? — Do let's!

Miss A. I dare say you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant – or chocolates.

Mr. P. How unkind you are to me! But I don't care. ( Wilfully. ) I shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits? Well you must tell me who they all are, then, and which are the Guelphiest ones.

Considerate Niece ( to Uncle). They seem mostly Portraits here. You're sure you don't mind looking at them, Uncle? I know so many people do object to Portraits.

Uncle ( with the air of a Christian Martyr ). No, my dear, no; I don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like. I'll sit down and look at the people till you've done.

First Critical Visitor ( examining a View of St. James's Park ). I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect – there's two Highlanders there, you see.

Second C. V. Shouldn't wonder – lot o' work in that, all those different colours, and so many dresses. [ Admires, thoughtfully.