Preparing for what I had to say I asked “Do you still see APE?”
Jay looked sad “Ahh, ‘Anarchy, Peace and Ecstasy’ dead in a toilet, heroin overdose, most people we knew are dead, I hope I’m not, sounds like and adventure though, better than travelling.”
He looked straight at me “What really happened Monster, then we can change it.” He lit the spliff, and then passed it straight to me. Almost touching my hand he said “We went round to the Irish, soon after you had broke their window. Was it the Irish?”
“No. You know who it was.” I replied sternly.
Jay continued “Was it the Carters. You got some of your gear there.”
“No. It wasn’t” I looked straight at Jay, “You were going to get me a gun Jay.”
I passed the spliff to Jay, he smiled “Why did you want the gun?”
“Don’t you know?” I asked, calm, quiet, friendly and with complicity.
“You never said.” The conversation passed back and forth.
Me “That’s not what I meant, didn’t you know?”
Jay “I can’t remember.”
Me “It was because of what happened to Jane, I let it go after that, because she came to see me. Jane was raped and I was going to kill them, I was fucked anyway, thought I was fucked for good.”
Jay “So you think it was them?”
Me “This is just a little thing Jay, much worse things happened than this, before all this.”
Jay “And you never want to discuss it again.”
Me “Not here and now, maybe not ever.”
Jay “So you hocked you’re records with Alex, you got acid from mad Willy, the crazy black guy who thought he had a pig in his belly, you went up to the top flat and you got whiz from Lynn, no doubt passing some big muscular guy in the process and going over the open landing like a draw bridge, that legend has it many people have dropped to their deaths from. After having already had a bad day and a conversation with a police woman you should never, never of had, paranoid because your getting a gun and hunting some very bad people down, and then we deliberately send you on a bad trip, but as you say, worse things have happened.”
A determined anger was gripping me “You know all that, it’s as good as said, I think I should go back there at the point it went wrong, and change the outcome, after leaving. We can blame the state, capitalism or God, they are all one and the same to me, read, they are all one and the same, I don’t discern any difference. I blame the general not the particular. The particular is only a special breed of the general.”
Jay’s body started to fade; he looked down at himself and held his still solid hands up, “Looks like I have to go!” He smiled. His hands so white were the last thing to disappear.
A vortex like a tornado of light came into existence after Jay disappeared; I stepped into it and directed my self where I wanted to go. I travelled down my time line and I saw the past fly threw me. Each time I was in my own body. I felt the effects of chasing the dragon, as I came round at a friends flat, my hands stuffed down my pants I became hazily aware I was watching morning television, then on the television came Bruce Lee, then it was me on the television fighting a gang of Asians their car stopped in the middle of the road where I had drunkenly swore at them, the words “I’m not racist but…” spoke in my head, then I was fighting a gang of kids after I had beaten their leader, blocking and punching untouchably, I was down on the floor my jumper over my head being kicked as I drummed ones head into the pavement. I saw a drunk man with a Stanley knife trying to steel food at my flat, I hit him, then I was at his house meeting his wife and many children. A policeman tried to arrest me for theft of a traffic cone that was propping shut my door, and I put it on my head and laughed “Ne, na, ne, na” I went, and the sound followed me as I ran down the street with Alex, running from Pizza Hut without paying, I could feel pizza and bottles of cider rumbling in my belly, hear Alex shout “Monster!” as she was caught, I remembered to go back to the police station to pick her up, remembering to pick up the gift cannabis plant I had hidden in the bin on the way, at the station, the police officer so dead pan “Is that a cannabis plant?”, this all happened in the time it takes to tell it, I stopped off at the right point, though I could of drifted all day.
I will refer to my self as ‘Monster’ during the whole of the next episode to delineate the difference between ‘I’ the ghost and ‘I’ the historical entity.
I was back at the Avenham flat, plastic litre bottles on the floor are washed up messages from the twilight zone, washed up on a beach of ash as no one uses the ashtrays, or they just use empty beer cans that again end up on the floor. There are actual foot prints in the ash. The bottles have tried to make the evolutionary step and walk, they have lungs, and they are called lungs. The bottoms are cut off and plastic bags cello taped to them to push in and fill up with cannabis smoke. The room is long for a council high rise, there is room for an old sofa at the back, that is probably a death trap from the seventies, striped white and orange and so long there is plenty of room for the bearded hippy lying there to stretch out with an orange cushion on his head, the cushion matches the curtains. So does the hippy’s beard. There are several other chairs where you would strategically place them near a glass coffee table in a large room. The coffee table has a bong, pipes made out of cardboard tubes, one of which Jay was lighting, several cans and ash trays.
Monster was tripping, four grams of speed and four tabs of LSD running through his system. Monster studied his hands in the air seeing burning. I closed my eyes momentarily and cried dryly, covering my face with my wings, I again opened my eyes, a white feathery gauze beautifying reality, not wanting to see things the way they were.
Monster looked from his hands to Alex standing near the door; she was so young then in her snaky dreadlocks and army jacket. “I keep thinking I’m burned Alex.” He said begging. Deliberate scares from all concerned were sending him over the edge.
Jesus the hippy was lying on the sofa covering his face with a cushion, Jay; and Biggles; who is dark skinned, in an unavoidable Nosferatu stance because of his great height, his long boots going right up his legs; walked up to him making prints in the ash with their boots, “Wake up Jesus!” shouted Jay, playfully, but with an unmistakable edge in his voice. Jesus got up and took the cushion away, tears dripping from his beard, his face red, “He’s my friend!” shouted Jesus.
How fast can a thought be thought; how long does it take to create a reality. In a split second Monster new that he had been set up, that he had been burnt and he looked at Alex in the door way and saw her as Jane crying, he grabbed her to protect her his voice cried “Ohh”, then Alex was Alex again but a look of astonishment on her face, and then looked away angrily, with the stare of hate she had been giving him all night.
Monster went for the second door way in the hall and Alex followed him there. My wings were restless, I had to keep rustling them, they wanted to intervene or take flight, they kept moving, wanting to push themselves in the scene, working automatically from own deep desire. Monster was still not sure Alex was Alex, or if she was he wanted her out of there. “Come with me Alex.” My self ‘Monster’ said to Alex in the outer doorway. Alex hesitated, she took two steps forward and one back, Monster turned and left.
He made his way down the steps of the flats, five floors, and ten landings. I chased after him my wings dragging on the steps, I had a metallic taste in my mouth from running, I shouted but it was like my mouth was clogged with blood, blood and my own feathers, I couldn’t breathe. My diaphragm heaved, he was getting ahead of me disappearing from sight, but I heard the steps fading in the distance.
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