The contents of the envelope fell out; and inside was a shrivelled and darkening piece of flesh that looked like the nipple of a living woman and three grainy postcards, which I now looked at. As the kettle built up steam so did I, as the kettle screamed and screamed higher and higher, so did I inside my head, even opening my mouth. The window glazed with steam, the kettle ran dry. I laughed a very unhealthy laugh. God had upped the ante.
One of the postcards was not very remarkable; it showed the back of a living woman being branded on the arse with magic symbols by a red hot brand. The second picture was somewhat even worse and the woman could now be identified, under the three headed dog of Cerberus was a face appealing to the camera and the face was Jane’s, the dog was obviously in the middle of a sex act, having mounted her. The third picture was a living and moving picture obviously depicting what was happening somewhere now, Jane was naked in a corner crying, her beauty somewhat disfigured. She was wearing only her underwear.
I took a lighter to the two still postcards, it flared up lovely and warm in my hand, but such is the human fascination with cruelty we can blame our God for, I did not burn them straight away. After maybe thirty seconds hesitation I did. The third post card I put in my pocket, since it was useful, and would tell me what was happening. There was a note with the postcard; the scrawl was spastic; showed signs of derangement and simply said, “Do you want this to stop Surrender yourself to me. Give up your powers.” I burned the note.
Now nowhere in this story did I claim to be a good person; I did not feel an overwhelming need to sacrifice my self to end her further suffering. Such an act would be one of weakness, that could never right the wrong, he should of threatened rather than carried out the act to have any chance of success, she looked all used up to me, it was already too late to salvage anything of her, so I didn’t for a second consider giving my self up, I did however, give consideration to finding and rescuing her any way.
The old unease of the crusader crept back into me though. How much does the crusader need the crusade? Does it feed him, give him a reason to live, does he identify so much with the crusade he needs it, and the worse the situation the better? It felt like that, and that is why I had laughed so ironically, now I would win and now it would be the worse for him.
I sat down in my living room. I hugged my self with my wings, snuggled the cold feather fingers like some dead stringency. I merely called for her because from now on she would never be far away. Judith appeared in front of me, she looked down on me enclosed in my feathers like a dieing dove.
Her lips opened and she demanded “What? What is it?”
I took the picture out of my pocket, something shadowy was descending on Jane’s crouched form, and a silent scream filled her mouth, I passed the picture to Judith, wanting to get the responsibility out of my possession, it was something I wanted to rip up, like some childhood artistic effort that had gone maddeningly wrong, beyond redemption, rip it up and start all over again.
Judith looked at it and remarked “This is no good, there is a stronger magic in the veneer than the picture, we can not enter; we will have to find out where it is.”
I replied with icy anger, mingled in it was the beginnings of sadness and hatred “It’s no good, she’s finished.”
Judith gave a cry like a mother exasperated with her child “Argh!. What the hell do you mean, look at it, look at it; it’s you’re love.” She pushed the picture in my face “And she needs your help now.”
I looked at the picture, its growing urgency, and then averted my gaze sadly.
Judith said calmly “That’s better. The picture may give us some clues, what ever he blackmailed you with, and I’m sure he did, to finish him is the only way to save her and yourself, when you kill God there will be nothing you can’t undo, nothing.” She emphasised the last word. Then she added, “Put it back in your pocket, snuggled next to your cock” She gave the picture back and I pocketed it.
Judith said “Now, when you’re feeling better, look for clues with me in the picture and that way we will find her, and; when we find her, you can bet, we will have him.”
Judith handed me a gun, it was a ‘Dessert Eagle’ and it glowed a dull red, like a block of metal that was just being heated up, it was very cold though to touch, it stuck to my fingers like ice from the fridge. As she held out her arm and I took it she said “A detective needs a good gun, this will vanquish minor souls.”
I put the gun in my waist; if I shot off my dick I could always grow another one. I got the picture out of my pocket and braced my self to look at it again. I could make nothing of it, although I had the feeling that the information contained was everything I needed. Jane was in an almost bare white room, a digital clock, late eighties, was on the wall, the time said 2 am, the time it was now, it was there to show that this was live, a phone in the shape of a large red lobster, close up in the picture was on a desk, a large figure in a suit, possibly God, possibly not as he had his back to me, was standing before Jane. She defiantly gave a little dance in front of him and he slapped her and tore at her knickers, she spat at him and fell, catching herself with her arm. I knew instinctively I had just been given all the information I needed to find her but could make nothing of it. With the picture on my lap I banged my fists against my head trying to make sense of it as the man or God raped her.
I cried out “aghh! I know its all there but I can’t think, I’m blocked by my own agitation, I want to kill and kill, I want to disfigure, I want to torture.”
Judith talked to me gently, mothering my tormented soul “It’s alright, it will come”
She gave a condescending smile and pinched my cheek; I felt the flesh slowly take back its shape. “I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s too early to do anything now any way. He will have an army and you need one too. You need to gather your troops, very, very fast.”
I replied defensively “I have set such a thing in motion”
Judith looked down at me searchingly, then she shook her head “No, no; if your reaping from your own past; you want to look in Hell, if they’re dead now that’s where they will be, and there are better soldiers out there…” She bent and looked me in the eyes and I sensed a light of nostalgia or admiration, flickering in the movement of her eyes “in Hell your followers are like grains of sand on the beach, you can release a few now and when you have the power release them all.”
I asked flatly “Is that wise?”
Judith laughed heartily “Wise! To follow you’re mind is that wise! Is it wise to be wise, Ha-ha; you will find out just whose side you’re on. ‘All power to the imagination’; who said that?”
“Guy Debord” I replied.
Judith pinched my cheek again, this time more tugging, a few tugs, and I put my hand to the flap of stretched skin on my face “Did he say that first, did he?”
Judith continued “When you’re down in Hell, not that it’s really up or down; tell them that, that you want to give all power to their imagination. What do you think that means here? Identity, exploration of the self and to be the star in ones own story, free expression of desire, those are the things you should talk about to them.”
“But that’s what I believe” I replied, expressing it with an upper turn of the sentence like a question, but one I had answered.
Judith bent over me. The cruellest look I had ever seen came on Judith’s face, similar to her portrait but in higher definition from the underneath tension of the muscles, it should of moved or flinched under that tension, but remarkably there was an immense stillness. She stayed that way for maybe ten seconds, I thought perhaps she would never move or speak again.
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