Jill Steeples - Desperately Seeking Heaven

I laughed, my insides squirming uncomfortably at the further reminder of Jimmy’s perilous condition.

‘Hmm, trouble is, knowing my luck, I’d do exactly that, put on sixteen stone, become an alcoholic bag lady and live to 105. Very old, very fat, drunk and lonely with no one to care for me.’

‘Now that is hard to imagine. But you know what I’m saying, don’t you?’ There was a sincerity in his voice which was hard to ignore. ‘Make the most of what you’ve got, your time here because it could all be over in an instant.’ He clicked his fingers in the air. ‘Work out what’s important to you and go for it.’

I twirled my pasta around my fork, absent-mindedly. That was easy for him to say but then I guessed he had the benefit of hindsight; he was looking at it from the other side. Literally. Like a lot of people, I had a vague idea of the things I wanted from life, but most of those I had pencilled in for some time in the future. But what if my future were to be cut short, like Jimmy’s? A feeling of unease tempered with impatience niggled along my veins.

‘Do it, Alice, before it’s too late,’ he said, as if reading my mind. ‘It’s all too easy to put things off, but my advice to you is to go out there and grab life with both hands. And it’s not things like your career and money that are important, you know that. It’s your friends and family.’ He paused. ‘Your relationships.’

I laughed, looking up into his eyes.

‘Oh dear, you’re beginning to sound like my mother. And my sister.’

‘Really? I’m in good company then. What is it they say exactly?’

‘That I should get our more. Start dating again. I think they’d like to see me settled with someone. It’s been a while since Mike.’

‘Mike?’

‘Yeah, he was my last serious relationship. We were together for about five years and everyone thought we would have the Happy Ending, but it wasn’t to be. We sort of fizzled out.’ I laughed without a smidgeon of self-consciousness. It was such a long time ago now it was almost like talking about another person. ‘That’s not strictly true. Not so much a fizzle as an explosion when I found out he was cheating on me with a couple of other girls. I haven’t really got back into the dating scene since.’

‘His loss, definitely,’ said Jimmy, looking at me intently from beneath long dark lashes. ‘There’ll be some good guy out there for you, Alice. Someone you can be happy with. You’re such a great girl, you deserve to be happy, but you need to get out there and find him. Take it from me, you don’t have as much time here as you might think.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I said with a pang of regret. It felt so easy to be talking with Jimmy, safe and reassuring as if I could tell him anything and he would never judge me in any way. Perhaps that was because I knew he wasn’t of this world. That we had something special and sacred that would only ever exist between the two of us. How many conversations did we have left, I wondered, before Jimmy would leave our strange twilight world forever?

‘That’s what they say, isn’t it? You don’t get to your deathbed wishing you spent more time in the office. Was there someone special in your life?’ I probed again. ‘Someone you wished you’d spent more time with.’

‘No, sadly not.’ Now it was Jimmy’s turn to look pensive. ‘I wish there had been. It was all up here,’ he tapped the side of his head. ‘My master plan for the future. I had it all mapped out; a mad passionate love affair with the woman who was to be my wife, a couple of kids, an apartment in town, the big house in the country, a golden retriever, guinea pig, the full works. Only I got stuck at first base. I didn’t get to meet the woman of my dreams.’

‘That’s so sad.’ Tears pricked at the back of my eyes, but I blinked them away. It was such a terrible waste. Jimmy would have made a wonderful husband and a fantastic father too, I didn’t doubt. And now it was too late for him.

‘Actually,’ he said, putting his fork and spoon down, ‘there was something I wanted to ask you.’

‘Of course. Just ask away,’ I said lightly, trying to ignore the growing sense of trepidation in my tummy.

‘I wondered if you’d come with me on Friday?’

‘Friday?’

‘Yes, to the funeral. I need to be there, obviously, but I don’t think I can face it alone. It would mean a lot to me if you came along.’

I hoped Jimmy hadn’t noticed my sharp intake of breath. It hadn’t occurred to me that he’d go to the funeral, well not in a wafting around capacity at least, and surely I’d be conspicuous, not knowing anyone else in the congregation.

‘It’s OK,’ he said, doing that weird thing of seemingly reading my mind again, ‘you can say you were a good friend of mine. There are a lot of friends my family hadn’t got to meet. Please, Alice?’

‘Of course, I’ll come,’ I said, feeling honoured to be asked. ‘I’ll book the day off work tomorrow. It should be fine.’

‘Thanks.’ Jimmy smiled, looking relieved and reached across the table, his hand finding mine. My fingers sizzled, my whole body warming from the intimacy of his touch.

Something stirred deep inside me as my eyes locked with Jimmy’s. I was the only one he had now, the only person in this world who could help him and I wanted to ensure I did everything in my power to do exactly that.

Booking the day off work wasn’t difficult. I rarely took time off so Simon was more than happy to accommodate my request especially when I told him it was to attend a funeral.

‘I’m sorry to hear that, Alice. It wasn’t anybody close, was it?’ He’d looked up from his papers, a genuine concern etched across his brow.

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