Jill Steeples - Desperately Seeking Heaven

‘Hey.’ He jumped up and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed, his embrace feeling strange but oddly comforting, the very tips of my fingers and toes tingling in expectation. I couldn’t remember the last time a man held me that way. He pulled back, holding my face captive in his hands, his look beseeching.

‘Don’t cry. Not for me.’ I took a deep breath, taking in his earthy masculine scent, his face dangerously close to mine. ‘I’m here, aren’t I?’ He pulled away, holding out his arms wide. ‘Not exactly in the peak of health admittedly, but I’m here.’

When he laughed his deep grey eyes twinkled like stars in the night sky. It went a small way to making me feel better.

‘Yes, but, it’s so sad…’ Now, I couldn’t help the big gulping sobs that had been bubbling in my chest from erupting.

‘No, not really. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it all feels perfectly natural when it happens to you. As if it’s the right thing at the right time. Do you know what I mean? I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason and this just proves it! Sure, it’s tough for the people left behind but it’s something they’ll work through. And really, if you’ve ever held anyone close to your heart, you know that you’ll never completely leave them behind just because you die. I’ll get together again with them all one day, you can bet your life on it.’

I screwed my face up in disbelief.

‘Sorry,’ he held up his hands, ‘not the best turn of phrase. But really, it’s no big deal.’

No big deal? It was the biggest thing that had ever happened in my life. And I hadn’t even known Jimmy before he died. My whole body trembled with shock and terror.

‘But what about your mum and dad? Your friends? Was there anyone special?’ I asked, my mind rushing in each and every direction.

He dropped his head to one side, giving me a quizzical look.

‘A girlfriend?’ I said tentatively. I was pretty certain he wasn’t gay, although now, as he observed me thoughtfully, I wondered for the briefest moment if I’d got him all wrong.

‘Oh, no, there isn’t anyone, no one special at least.’ He looked wistful for a moment. ‘Mum and Dad,’ he stuttered, ‘they’ll find this hard, but they will get through it. They’re very strong together and they have lots of support around them. They’ll beOK. In time.’

Sadness washed over me. There was nothing I could do for him nor his loved ones left behind. I felt totally helpless. Jimmy was putting on a good show of coping, but his underlying vulnerability was tangible. There must be something I could do to help. Restlessness made me itchy.

‘Well, we can’t just sit around here waiting for the ghost train to turn up. We have to do something. Find out how we can get you sent on your way to your rightful place in the … in the, um, universe.’

‘Great! And you have some ideas on how we might do that then?’

‘No, not yet. But how difficult can it be?’

Jimmy shrugged, his dark eyebrows shooting high up into his forehead.

‘Tomorrow, we’ll get started,’ I said, sounding much more confident than I felt. ‘We’ll do some research, there must be oodles of stuff on the internet about it.’

‘Yeah, I bet,’ said Jimmy doubtfully. ‘There is one thing you could do for me before then though.’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Do you have anything to eat?’

‘You’re hungry?’ I asked, my lip curling involuntarily in disbelief.

‘Are you kidding? I’m bloody ravenous. I’ve had a heavy day out there.’

My mind did a quick inventory of the contents of my larder. I hadn’t been food shopping in days, but I knew there was a loaf of bread and some bacon in the fridge.

‘How does a bacon sandwich sound?’

‘Heavenly!’ he sighed with an enormous grin.

A ghost with a sense of humour, a possessive regard of my remote control and a healthy appetite, sitting large as life in my living room, was something that might take a bit of getting used to, but I supposed sharing a bacon sarnie and a cup of tea would be a good place to start.

The doorbell reverberated through my flat early the next morning. I jumped out of bed, panic washing over me. The events of yesterday afternoon and evening flashed into my head in a messy jumble. It was a dream, right? I’d imagined the whole thing. Thank goodness for that. Poking my head out of the bedroom door I saw the remains of our late-night snack. Two empty plates, two empty mugs and the faint whiff of bacon lingering in the air. Oh God. Definitely not a dream. Maybe some sort of mental breakdown then, I thought, with just a faint edge of hope. Even that scenario seemed preferable to the reality creeping into my mind like the early morning sunshine filtering into the hallway. Tiptoeing down the corridor, I stopped outside the guest bedroom, gently pushing open the door, hoping against hope that it would be empty. There, sprawled over the double bed, his long limbs tangled in the white sheets was the new man in my life, Jimmy Mack. No dream, but a living nightmare.

The doorbell rang again, more insistently this time.

‘Coming,’ I called hastily, trying to rid myself of the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt. OK, so there was a dead man in my flat, but it wasn’t as if I was personally responsible or anything like that.

‘About time,’ grinned Lexie, holding open her arms for our customary hug, as she stood in the doorway. Purple tufts of wayward hair framed her elfin features. A multi-coloured stripy short skirt, mauve leggings and black T-shirt completed her inimitable look.

‘What kept you?’ she asked, as she swept past me. ‘Didn’t get you out of bed, did I?’

‘No,’ I stuttered. Lexie would be onto all of this in a matter of minutes. ‘I was just getting ready actually.’

‘Really,’ she said slowly, inflecting that one word with a whole lot of meaning. Her eyes wide she marched around my flat like a police officer on a raid, her eyes scanning the remains of last night’s impromptu supper party. ‘I haven’t interrupted anything here, have I?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I said a little too defensively. ‘Sarah popped round last night, that’s all. It was late by the time she left. I just didn’t get round to cleaning up.’

‘Sarah, eh? Do I know her?’ That familiar impish grin rested on her lips as she looked at me through narrowed eyes and then she took off running down my hallway flinging open the door to the guest bedroom.

‘No, don’t!’ I screamed, but it was too late. With my heart in my mouth, I watched as Lexie surveyed the contents of my spare room. I squeezed my eyes tight and held my breath.

‘Disappointing as ever, Alice,’ she sighed, a look of contempt on her face. ‘I must admit though you had me going there for a moment. I really thought I might find some hunk hiding beneath the bed for once.’

My breathing steadied for a moment.

‘If I had anyone in my flat why on earth would I be hiding him away?’ I said, feeling only slightly aggrieved that the idea of a man being in my bedroom was so outrageous. The commotion must have woken Jimmy, surely? Hopefully he’d done the sensible thing and made himself scarce.Mind you, thinking about it there wasn’t a whole host of hiding places, just the bed, a small cupboard and a pile of ironing overflowing from a wicker chair. I was pretty certain he couldn’t be lurking under there. Perhaps he was performing some spectral hanging out of the window manoeuvre.

‘Hmm, I suppose,’ said Lexie, her interest evaporating. She wandered off in the direction of the kitchen. ‘I’ll stick the kettle on, shall I? I’m dying for a coffee.’

‘Um, yeah, great,’ I said, taking up the spot just vacated by my sister realising Jimmy hadn’t performed any disappearing act at all. He was still there on the bed where I’d last seen him, all 6’2” tanned, toned inches of him, completely sparko. I could even detect the slightest hint of a snore coming from out of his mouth. At that precise moment he rolled over displaying a very decent torso and much more in the process.